I Stalk Knitters

About A Boy

2009-09-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

Warning: This is a long post. There is subject matter that may not be safe for work if people read over your shoulder. Also there will be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much personal information involved for some of you. But hey, for me this is sorta like therapy. You've been warned.

On December 14, 2005, I created an account for, and started playing, World of Warcraft (henceforth known as WoW). For those of you unfamiliar with it, it's an online game where millions of people log on and play online. We create and control characters through leveling and questing and friendships are made, broken, grow into relationships and beyond. These friendships cross over into the real world and I know of at least 6 couples who met on WoW, someone moved, they got married, and have children now. In the game people form guilds and in May 2006, I joined a guild called Legacy of Khan. This is where I met The Canadians. I capitalize it because this group of people have been my friends for well over 3 years now and they've seen me at my worst and helped me get through it. So here's the cast as it sits now. Hey, this is my story I can tell it how I want.

Shanna: Exceptionally beautiful and kind Canadian.

Jordan: Shanna's best friend and co-worker at a call center. (Not gonna lie, I sorta had a crush on Jord for a while. I got over it. I was married.)

Joe: Shanna's brother.

Alex: NOT a Canadian but became Shanna's boyfriend and later husband. Lived in Kentucky. He and Shanna are now happily married in Ohio. He's a total hottie.

Rob: Co-worker of Shanna and Jordan.

Now, in game, I went everywhere with these guys. Some days I felt like the little sister following her older sibling and their friends around, even though I am older than these guys. 7 years older than the oldest of them. But these guys became my friends. We talked to each other everyday on a program called Ventrilo that allows you to talk over the internet. Now towards the middle of 2007, I was really getting into my depression, my marriage was a failure, and I was unemployed. I made WoW my life. I left the computer to occasionally sleep, shower when my clothes began to disintegrate, or eat when T demanded food. That was it. Otherwise I was on WoW and talking to these guys. They had no idea how bad things were because on vent I was laughing and joking and lying my ass off about how things were at home. In game we do these things called raids where 10 or 25 players all get together and work on more difficult mobs as a team for better gear. We raided 3 nights a week and I NEVER missed a raid. I lived for them. I let it consume me because it was so much better than what reality had become.

I think back now and all I really remember was WoW and raiding was fun. Reality consisted of fighting and crying. Now y'all, when you're married and having troubles, intimacy tends to fly out the window. My marriage didn't have a WHOLE hell of a lot of intimacy to begin with but honestly at the end when we would argue about the last time we had been intimate it was ridiculous.

Me (usually crying): Why do I stay if you don't want me?
T: But I do want you.
Me: No, you want my cooking and sometimes cleaning.
T: I love you, you're my wife.
Me: No, I'm your roommate! Spouses have sex every once in a while.
T: We do have sex.
Me: ......
T: What?!
Me (usually screaming): We haven't had sex in 5 fucking years!!
T: It's only been 4!

Seriously? Really??? Yeah we could argue about the number of YEARS, people. Not days, week, even months. Years. And honestly I had given up. I no longer wanted the intimacy because I knew I would just lose it again. It never stuck around for long and it hurts worse to have those few moments of what should have been a constant only to have it withheld again and again. So there was no intimacy, we stopped talking, we didn't do things together, we fought about every little thing it seems...yeah my marriage had been over for a long time. I look back and realize now that a lot of my depression was me mourning the death of my marriage. So I hid in WoW. I lived vicariously through The Canadians and existed.

Now around the Summer of 2007, another co-worker of Shanna and Jord's started playing on the same server as us. They helped him level and catch up to us and he started raiding with us. I don't think I ever helped him level any. I believe I was just much too busy raiding to be that helpful to anyone. So into the picture comes Cory. Cory, at the time, was, to me, a friend of theirs. I got along with him and he fit into the group well, but I wasn't really interested in getting to know him. Yes, I was a selfish bitch, I know. Can we move on now? Thanks.

So in game you gain reputation with different factions by doing what are referred to as daily quests. Cory and I started doing dailies together and started talking. He was fun, as flirtatious as me and we have the same sense of humor. Yay! A new friend! He is also a fantastic listener and I found myself opening up about my problems and he listened. He never gave advice, he was just there for me. Now, Cory speaks softly and slowly. He's articulate and thinks before he speaks so at times there's a pause before he responds. I cannot begin to describe how soothing this was to my raw nerves. As soon as I'd hear him say, "Hi there!" I would just relax. It was like slipping into a warm bath after a hard day. He always made me laugh and yeah, in a way I used him. He was the balm I needed during that time. I've already apologized to him for using him. Don't judge me. During this time, Shanna and Alex got engaged. Shanna asked me to be in the wedding. I promised to do everything in my power to make that happen.

By the summer of 2008, I considered Cory to be one of my best friends. He and I discussed anything and everything. Then his computer broke. I no longer had access to him. This...this drove me insane. The game wasn't the same. My refuge was gone. I snapped out of my happy realm and ended up facing reality. It was ugly, y'all. Reality sucked balls. I left T and at the end of 2008 I was staying with Laura and family. One day Rachel told me Cory was back. I had my computer over at the house but I was trying to resist the lure of playing WoW again so I just had her tell him "hi" for me. This lasted for about a week and a half. I missed talking to him. I logged onto vent to talk to him and that was all she wrote. I had my happy place back. I had seriously missed the sound of his voice. I had missed our flirting. He let me talk about things that were going on with T and he always urged me to think about what I truly wanted before making any final decisions. He never once told me to end it. I guess it was around October of last year, a couple of weeks after I had told T that I wanted a divorce, that Rachel (my "sister" via Laura) teased me about liking Cory.

Rachel: Why can't you admit you like him?
Me: Like who??
Rachel: Duh....Cory.
Me: Oh whatever. He's my friend, crackhead.
Rachel: You do so like him!! Your face lights up when you talk to him!
Me: You're retarded. I can't fall for my best friend.
Rachel. That's how it's supposed to work, dumb ass. Your spouse should be your best friend. Besides, you can totally tell he likes you, too.

Then I started thinking about it. I DID like this guy. Well shit. I'm still married, well, legally anyway, and my self image is in the shitter and he LIVES IN CANADA and I live in Texas and.....well shit. I decided that if I was ever going to really live again I was going to have to grow a pair and put myself out there. So I told him. I did too. It was the scariest thing I've ever done. His response? "Interesting...."

Wait....what? No matter, I let it drop. We went back to our flirting. But his flirting took on a new tone. I realize now he was being sneaky and seducing me. Yeah, it worked. Shut up. We both knew I was going to Canada in May for Shanna's wedding and began talking about how cool it was going to be to finally meet our best friend in person and I couldn't wait to give him a hug for having been such an awesome friend through all the shit. In November I moved in with my folks since my dogs and most of my crap was there anyway and began making plans to go back to school. I was ready to get back out in the world but Mom and I were going to Cozumel again in April and I was heading for Canada in May, so getting a job and going to school had to wait until I got back. When I got back to my folks and had all my computer stuff set back up, Mom asked me a question that was probably a bad idea. "I have this web cam I don't use, do you want it?" Hell yeah.

I made Cory go buy one. We began playing online games like cribbage and dominoes and turning on the web cams to talk. We discussed hobbies, books, movies, politics, religion, our childhoods...we put forth a lot of effort getting to know each other better. We talked every day without fail. We spent hours talking, joking, laughing, flirting and playing and it just was never enough time. My nephew started calling him my "Canadian boyfriend." I would yell at him to cut it out because I was still legally married. Yeah, I took my vows pretty damn serious. As it was there were times I felt I had no right to be talking to Cory because I wasn't divorced yet. It was too late. I was pretty damn hooked on him already.

We began really looking forward to May but neither of us wanted to do anything to mess up our friendship. We had a LOT of discussions about what would or would not happen when I got up there. I had already decided I was going to stay a little longer after the wedding to spend time with him and get to know him in person. He seemed pretty keen on this idea. We started out with, "I just wanna meet my friend." It progressed to "The possibility of something happening is there but I won't be divorced yet so hell no." Adultery was so not on the menu, thanks anyway. By the time April rolled around the plan became me getting there the Wednesday before the wedding to spend those days helping Shanna finalize things and then spending a full week up there with him after the wedding. Sex was definitely a possibility. We weren't ruling anything out but we weren't flat out planning on it either. Yes, by then we had planned on him staying at the hotel with me for that week but you never know what will happen once you meet face to face, right?

A week before I flew to Canada, Cory disappeared. He quit logging onto MSN, WoW and Vent. I went into a panic. My thoughts ranged from, "His computer broke again" to "He's changed his mind and doesn't want me and oh shit what have I gotten myself into." My best friend, Pamela, got me through that week. Kudos to her because I was a mess. I believe my end of one our conversations where I was crying went, "What if he doesn't want me and he's changed his mind and I don't know if I even have a hotel room because he's booking it and paying for it and I don't have any way to talk to him and I am such a fucking idiot for falling in love with him and I miss him and....." whoa. Yeah. I said it. I meant it. Especially the fucking idiot part. So by Sunday of the week I was flying out I got desperate. I looked up his mom and stepdad online, got their home number and left him a message with his mom. Oh c'mon! Don't act shocked. I'm a stalker, people!!

He got the message not 2 minutes after I hung up with his mom and he logged into MSN. Yes, I had a place to stay. He had just "gotten busy" that week so hadn't been around. I let it slide. I knew he had been thinking things through but I didn't want to deal with it just then and I knew I planned on making him talk about it while I was up there. So off I fly to Canada. He had promised Shanna to stay away from me until after the wedding because those days belonged to her. I was not amused. I mean, I got to see him that Thursday night because her bachelorette party was guys and girls since, like me, the majority of her close friends are guys. I must admit, I was a smooth and suave individual that night. I was talking to our friend Rob, who I was ever so excited to meet, when I saw Cory walking to us. My face fell and I think I went white. Rob said "Just breathe, you're gonna be ok." I responded, "Am not!! I can't do this."

He was standing below us on the floor of the pool hall so I got brave and walked down the steps, walked over beside him, bumped my shoulder into his and said our standard greeting of, "Oh hi." We smiled at each other and my brain shut off. If anyone spoke to me for that few seconds I didn't hear them. The world went a little gray around the edges, not gonna lie. Yeah, I'm cool as a cucumber. So we all proceeded to the small party room to shoot pool and socialize. It was awesome to get to finally meet these people, but weird as hell seeing people I had only known online for 3 years. I spent the night trying not to be obvious in my drooling over Cory. Cory spent the night walking up behind me and running his hand along my neck, my lower back, down my arm or, when we were sitting, along the side of my leg. I jumped every time he touched me. I think I squeaked a couple of times. Yep! Suave, that's me. He spent the evening being seductive. I spent the night jumping at shadows. I handle romance so well.

At the end of the night we were all standing in the parking lot and with out me getting any say in the matter, it was decided that Cory was driving me back to the hotel. Lemme tell ya, this did NOT calm my nerves. We got into the car and he hands me a sack with something in it and says I can't look at it until after he's dropped me off. We stopped so I could grab some bottled water for the room and then he took me back. We sat in the parking lot and talked for a bit when he got this devilish grin on his face and said, "Ok, look in the bag. I wanna see your reaction."

Now for a little back story. Back in February for Valentine's Day, I got the best freaking gift ever. Cory sent me an invite to start viewing his web cam. I accept said invite and as soon as it shows up, he's standing there, comPLETEly nude holding a heart shaped box in front of him in a very strategic manner. I laughed until I cried. Best Valentine's Day I've ever had.

So inside this bag he's given me is the heart shaped box he had held up that day. I laughed all over again. In my roaring laughter I realized there's something in the box. It's not supposed to rattle. I open the box and it's full of condoms. Ya gotta hand it to him, he's creative as hell. So I get out and head up to my room with my now box o' condoms and he heads home. He held true to his word to Shanna and I didn't see him again until Saturday at the wedding. He went with us for the picture taking. He stopped and got bottled water for me. He stayed at my side and was a perfect gentleman the whole time.

We get to the reception and I am warned, "The wedding protection promise is wearing off. Wedding stuff almost over." This scared me a bit. Cory comes up to the bridal table where I'm seated several times and runs his hand over my neck, scaring the shit out of me and making me squeak. The table he was sitting at held him and 2 of my other friends so they enjoyed his teasing as well. This game did not seem get old for them. As soon as dinner was over and I felt free of my bridesmaid obligations, I headed for the fun table. Not to say that the bridal table wasn't fun, because it was, but it's just not where I wanted to be for some reason. Hmmm. Luckily the bride understood and was surprised I had stayed as long as I had. The rest of the evening may has well be titled, "The Seduction of Angie" because he spent the rest of the night driving me insane. Planting small kisses down my arm, across my neck, holding my hand and playing with my fingers, running his hand along my exposed back. He's good. I gotta give him that.

At this point all I will say is he came back to the room with me and helped get the 45 bobby pins out of my hair for the oddity that was my up do for the wedding and then he spent the rest of my stay in Canada with me. It was, without a doubt, the most amazing week of my life. Sunday we had brunch with the newlyweds and our other friends and went to a movie with them. Tuesday we only left the room long enough to walk the block to Tim Horton's for coffee and take a short walk. We weren't even gone for 2 hours. He drove me around to places that were beautiful and places that held meaning for him. I took a thousand pictures. I met his family and we watched movies in the basement cuddled on the couch, snuggled under a blanket. We slept in each others arms and professed our love for each other.

We both cried when I left. We still talk every day without fail. Plans are being made for him to move down here to be with me. He's supporting my decisions about school and wants to help me make it happen. He's excited about the turns my life has taken. We have the same sense of humor. We like the same things for hobbies. He understands my need for yarn. He knows how to cook. Seriously! I love this guy! How could I not? So yes, out of pain and tragedy I have found love again. When I thought my life was over due to divorce I realized it's just beginning again. I'm starting over fresh. Have I had my doubts? Of course I have. At first I doubted my feelings. I doubted the timing. I have fears about the future. I never once doubted his love for me. So, without further ado, meet Cory.

You'll be hearing a lot about him, I'm sure.

Wait....Another Post?? Whoa,...

2009-09-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

I know! I'm like a mad woman here with another post within the same month and shit. I am a bit afraid, however, that this blog may turn into a bitch fest about whatever current instructor I have that likes to write notes on the board, turn around to discuss them and stand IN FRONT of said notes then get pissy because you didn't write them down. Hello!! MOVE! Gawd! He also misspells key medical terms and says bullshit like, "That's the British spelling." Jerkface. Medical terms are based on Latin and Greek. They are spelled the same around the world. Your dumb ass just can't spell. And another thing! He got mad at us for not knowing a disease he didn't cover with us. What?? He thought he covered it, but he didn't, and because we didn't know it he called US dumb. Seriously? Look Professor Fuckerpants, don't get mad at us because you come to class ill prepared and can't give us notes in any comprehensible order. But seriously y'all, I'll do my best not to let this turn into that sort of blog. Just let me know if I start failing, okay?

So I'm trying to decide between 2 posts because they sort of tie into each other but doing both stories at once would make for a hella long post. The question is, would you guys rather hear about the Canada trip? OR Do you wanna know the low down, nitty gritty on Cory? Yeah, there's a guy. He's my best friend. Has been for a few years now. He's crafty, y'all. He's tried knitting and crochet, cross stitch, quilting and does woodworking. CRAFTY. He designs things. I knit him a hat and crocheted a scarf for his birthday and he got a little teary eyed because I MADE him something instead of just going and buying something. Yeah, he's a keeper. But enough on him for now or this will just turn into the Cory post, and I have to go study for 2 tests today. After next week I learn how to give shots. I'm gonna be sticking needles into people. *SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!* I'm such a dork.

P.s. Thanks to all of you that commented and/or sent emails. Knowing that you care helps heal scars. It may not seem like much but for people who have gone through depression, knowing they were missed and receiving a kind word means the world. I've missed you guys.

Is This Thing On?

2009-09-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

Wow. So....hi there! I highly doubt anyone will actually read this, but for those of you still clinging to the possibility that I might post again some day, here it is! I'm thinking about restarting the blog but I'm not making any promises. I just felt you guys deserved an explanation of just where in the hell I dropped off to. So, be prepared for a rather long post with possible follow up posts until the story is told. It's a doozy, y'all.

So that depression thing? Yeah, it turned into severe depression with anxiety, panic attacks every time I left the house, severe suicidal tendencies..the whole kit 'n' kaboodle! Cuz, when I do something I go all out. No messing around, no sirree bob. Not this girl. By golly, if I'm gonna be depressed I'm gonna be close to being institutionalized! *Ahem* So, yeah. Hmmm....Let's go back to when I thought I was better. I was better. For a couple of weeks. I did amazingly well for a couple of weeks. Then it all just seemed to come crashing down on me again. I honestly don't remember what all happened. I have almost 2 years that are a complete blur to me. Seems that happens when you aren't really living life, just existing day to day. I did a lot of hiding in World of Warcraft. I still play, but mostly out of boredom and....well, we'll get to the other reason a little later, shall we?

So, I played a lot of WoW. I slept when I couldn't stay awake any longer, ate when I just simply had to or go into a diabetic coma and played WoW. That was my "life" for over a year. The ONLY people I talked to were my online WoW friends because they had little to no idea who I really was or what my life was like. It was a safe haven to hide in. My health was in the crapper, T's health was in the crapper, our house looked like a crapper and I didn't wanna fix it. I was tired of fixing things. I was pretty well tired of everything. I didn't want to talk about it. I sure as shit didn't want anyone to KNOW what was going on. I didn't even talk to my folks during this time. God forbid anyone should know what a failure at life I was. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not a failure, but oh damn did I ever feel like one.

See, the Bell's Palsy (see last post made before I came out of hiding THIS time) didn't send me deeper into my depression. What DID was me sugar coating what happened during that time. See, the story I posted is the pretty version of what happened. I did that a lot. What happened, if you read between the lines, is I thought I was having a stroke. My husband dropped me off at the door of the emergency room. He never even turned off the car. Didn't escort me in. Didn't stay to make sure I could cope with this. He dropped me off scared to death. I didn't see him again for a couple of hours and that was after they had transferred me. My parents, driving MUCH further than him, got to me before he did. The three days I was in the hospital getting tests done? He came to see me once and that was because I begged him to bring me yarn so I'd have something to work on and a change of clothes. When he came to pick me up from the hospital I felt like it was an inconvenience. Those if you who have spent any time in a hospital know how long it takes for them to discharge you. He was angry because he had to wait. I honestly felt he didn't give a two bit shit about me anymore. Whatever it was we had left at this point, it was not a marriage. I just kind of fell further from there.

I began having panic attacks every time I left the house, or the phone rang, or the doorbell rang. I could not handle reality poking it's head into my ugly little world. I realize now that the panic attacks when I left the house were because I might have seen someone who knew me. They'd ask me how I was. I wasn't sure I could lie anymore. I knew my face couldn't. T was pressuring me to find SOMETHING that made me happy even a little bit. He bought pots for me to paint thinking that would help. I went through the motions but it's hard to be creative when you're to that point. Crocheting and knitting was just a reminder of everything I thought I had lost. He told me I should find a job to get out of the house and maybe that would help. I went on one interview, shook like a junkie the entire time and had to pull over and vomit on the way home. I just couldn't do it. To top it off, T had informed me around the beginning of 2008 that he was not just hearing voices, but communicating with entities with his mind. I will not say what entities because it's a moot point. Trying to talk to your husband and watching his eyes go vacant because he's hearing someone else? Then he chuckles at something you didn't say? Yeah.....couldn't handle that either.

So I guess it was around June, 2008, that all this came to a boiling point. And by boiling point I mean I was sitting on our love seat alone, he was out in his office, and I was crying. Sobbing to be exact, because I was holding a loaded .38 revolver loaded with hollow point bullets, safety off and I was oh so very seriously considering painting my walls red, white and chunky instead of the fresh white they were. Hey, it's my suicide I can joke if I want to. What kept me from doing it was all the faces of the people I had stopped talking to. Friends and family that loved me and would be devastated by my cowardice. So I put the safety on, unloaded the gun, put it back where T had so carefully hidden it and told no one. About a week or two later the realization hit me; I didn't want out of my life. I wanted out of my marriage.

I needed time away to pull myself together. I needed to fix what was wrong with me before I could even consider fixing my marriage or my husband and his issues. So I went to visit Laura/Mom. I told her everything. I went to visit my folks. I told them everything. A week later, at the end of July, I left. I cried the entire time. T never had a clue until I went out to the office and packed up my computer out there and told him. By that time I had all of my stuff out of the house. I got to my parent's house that night, buried my face into a pillow and I cried. I screamed. I ran to the bathroom and threw up repeatedly. Then I cried and screamed some more. The next morning my face was so swollen I could barely open my eyes. I spent most of that day on my anxiety meds, pain meds and kept ice on my face to bring the swelling down. It was, without a doubt, the most miserable 48 hours of my life.

I honestly just wanted time. Time to figure out what I wanted, time to figure out where I wanted my life to go, time to figure out what I was going to do with my life. I didn't get that time. T insisted on knowing how MUCH time I needed. When was I coming home? Why was I doing this to him? What in the hell was I thinking? None of which I had the answers for. How do you put a time limit on pulling yourself together? All we did was fight and scream at each other on the phone. He kept asking me if there was someone else. He would rather think I was cheating on him than to face the issues we had. The issues I had. In September I told him I was done trying. I wanted a divorce. It was devastating.

I slowly started gaining control back over my own life. 2008 was pretty much a complete wash. I didn't come even CLOSE to pulling my shit together until the beginning of 2009. In February of 2009 my mother threatened to kick my ass if I didn't get out of the sweat pants I was living in. In April of 2009, my mom and I spent another week in Cozumel, Mexico. It was the most relaxed I've been in years. In May of this year, I spent the most amazing 10 days in Kingston, Ontario, Canada. Y'all, Canadians have it made. (If you love me, bring me Tim Horton's coffee, k? Extra large, 4x4, sweetener and creamer. Thanks!) I was worried about the Canada trip because I was meeting people I had only known online (granted for 4 years now) and I was in a wedding for one of these people, PLUS it was the first time I was going to have to be truly social since all the depression crap started. I never had any sort of panic or anxiety. In fact, I haven't had a panic or anxiety attack since the day I left that house. Please, please don't get me wrong. I am so not blaming T for our marriage falling apart. It took both of us to royally fuck that up. No one person can be that detrimental to a relationship. No way. I promise I'll discuss the Canada trip at another time, cuz ya'll....seriously that was an AMAZING week for so many reasons.

Anywho, once I got back from Canada, I made a really fast decision about my future and decided to follow my dream of going into the medical field. I'm in my 4th month of school. I'll be graduating next April as a Medical Assistant. I am currently maintaining a 4.0 average and once I graduate, I'll be working and going back to school again. Deciding between nursing (my forever ago dream) or becoming an ultrasound technician. As of June 12th my divorce was final and I am a single woman again. Well, sort of, but that's also a story for another time. Am I out of my depression? Who the fuck knows. How the hell can you tell? I may never say I'm out of my depression again. That just seems to piss it off and bring it back with a vengeance!

What I do know is that I'm happy. I'm happy with my life as it is. I'm happy with the direction I'm heading. I'm happy with the choices I'm making. I'm excited about my future and what it holds. I still cry when I talk to T. I still cry when I think about my marriage failing so badly. But it's not every day. It's not even every week. And I don't wallow in it. I get a little teary eyed and realize that this is what's best for me. I'm finally taking care of me and it feels good, and it feels right. I'm a lot calmer now than I used to be. I think I may have been just a smidge manic at times during my depression, but these days I don't get that way. I'm on a pretty even keel.

So....how you guys been?

It's an update!

2007-10-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

Seriously! I know. I'm an awful blogger. I'm an even worse stalker, but I'll beat myself up about it later. So, it's been a really craptastic year. Yay! Maybe it's over! *giggle* I know, I've said that before. Here's the deal. Depression sucks ass. Honestly. I promise. See, when you're normal and semi happy and life goes on, you're at a certain point on the happiness scale.

Now, this tips up into the happy range as it should, but individual results may vary. When depression hits you, you slam down into that bottom box and you float around there in that black box for a while.

Now, the problem with depression is that area between depression and life is ok. See, when you start climbing into that box, you don't realize that it exists! You think, "Yay! I'm in my good box!" only you aren't. You are here.

Now, this crazy box and the depression box are where I've pretty much spent the last year. I hate this area. This area is misleading. That's right, you heard me, crazy box. I'm totally onto you, dude. You make me think it's ok when it's really not and I think I'm back to my old self and I'm still not and you suck. Anyway, who wants to know where I am now? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on? Oh, hi! There you are. Here's my scale, folks!

Yep, I am coping! I dare say, I've even landed in happy a few times over the last few weeks. What, you may ask, has brought about this red block/arrow goodness? Near death scares will do WONDERS for your attitude. They really will. Allow me to e'splain.

Timeline: Thursday, October 11th at approx. 11:30 pm.

Lead in: Hubby and I have watched a movie together and eaten Chinese food that was hot enough to strip the top 3 layers of skin off your tongue. I am in the computer room (shocker, I know) playing WoW and talking on vent. My face, feels weird.

Conversation Topic: My face.

Me in vent to WoW folks: Hmm...my face has gone all weird.

Guys: "Your face is retarded." "We've known this about you." "And?.."

Me IVTWF: Shut up. I hate you guys. BRB.

Me to T: Baby, there's something wrong with my face.

T: You finally noticed?

Me: Shut up. I hate you. I'm serious, look.

T: What the hell is wrong with your face??

Me (looking in mirror): Ok, this is bad. The right side of my mouth isn't moving. We have to go to the emergency room.

T: We don't have insurance, dear. Plus, it's probably just a reaction to the Chinese food.

Me: Food reactions don't paralyze your face. Stop being retarded. What if I'm having a stroke?

T: You're over reacting.

Me: Do you wanna drive? Cuz I am going. Fuck insurance. My face is broken.

T: *sigh* Fine.

So off we go to the emergency room all of 5 mins away. I am kinda getting scared at this point. T realizes it's late, and we just left the house windows all open. He goes back to close up and in I go.

Me to Chick at Window: Hi, I need you to take me seriously cuz I'm getting scared. The right side of mouth isn't working and I know that's a sign of a stroke.

Chick at Window: Please go sit down in that chair right there and don't move.

C.a.W. proceeds to run in the back like her ass is on fire. Comforting. NOT!

Now, five (yes,5) nurse come running out of the back with a wheelchair, an I.V. line to stab me with and all other sorts of implements of torture. They are checking pupils, asking me to smile as big as I can and asking me 10 different questions each. All while putting me into a wheelchair, starting an I.V. and wheeling me into the back. Multi-tasking at it's finest. Then they call the hubby to let him know that, "why yes, it could be a stroke and we're moving her here and please bring all of her meds up here for us then you can go to your wife in a totally different city, thanks!"

T calls my folks, who live 45 mins away. T calls Mom (you know the one.) to let her know as well. I honestly don't remember who got to the hospital first. I just feel sorry for anyone on the roads in the way. So, 4 days in the hospital, an ass load of tests that seemed to consist of lots of my blood and shoving my little round body into even smaller round tubes over and over to scan for a brain. They found one. *whew*

I now have Bell's Palsy. Look it up. This is a long post and it's wearing me out. I'm too damn lazy to link it. It's much better than having had a stroke. I promise.

T is afraid that having my face broken is gonna send me deeper into the depression. Only, no, not so much. There is nothing like having something this big fall in your lap to give you that shot in the ass you need to wake up and realize life is worth living. I can handle stress but it sets off the Bell's Palsy so I'm just not letting things get to me. I quit smoking. I was in the hospital for 4 days with no cigs. Might as well, right? T screams at the game he plays and it causes me to shut down. T spends most of his day out in his office now away from me. This...this has made the biggest difference. I love my husband, but damn that man is annoying. I can play music as loud as I want, and I do. I can sing and dance around the house while cleaning or crocheting, and I do. I get dressed every morning cuz the steroids I'm on have me hyper so if I feel the need to get out, I do. T and I have gone walking every day together and we're enjoying it.

I just found out on Friday that I was approved for a state funded school program with a local junior college. I'm going back to school. I'm planning on taking accounting. Good money, I love math and it's something I can do from home in the future if I need to. I've decided to live my life how I want to. I've decided to do the things I really want to do. Hitch a ride folks. Everyone is invited but if you don't hold on, you may get left behind.

Happy Birthday, Christina!!

2007-08-08T13:42:00.001-07:00

Props to Christina who is taking time out on her birthday to get me posting again.

Hope you get everything you want today.

Thirty-Five

2007-04-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

I figure we should have a post for April. At least one. Hell, there might be two! I know! Hold onto your bobby socks for the excitement never ends here. First off I wanted to say thank you for all of the support you guys have given me. The comments, the e-mails, the e-cards...you guys are awesome. For those of you who wanted me to get help, I've actually been on depression meds since October of 2006. I recently switched meds and they have been helping a lot, it's just easy to slide back into a slump. I have also been seeing a physchologist for the same amount of time so I do have someone to talk to. She lets me call her anytime I'm feeling way past the point of no return so that's a huge help.

You guys are gonna love this one. After I wrote the last post things definitely changed for the better. I got up, got in the shower, actaully washed my hair (the combing took 45 minutes. We won't be discussing that again, k? Thx) and loaded up the car to head to Mom's. You know the mom I mean. Her second oldest son is diabetic. I can't hide shit from her. She took one look at me and started the nagging. She made me eat. She made me sleep. She made me regulate my sleeping pattern. She's such a cold hearted woman. God bless her. I'm on a normal sleeping pattern of going to bed by 2 am, sometimes earlier and up between 9 and 9:30 am. I relax through my first cup of coffee and when I go back for my second one, I leave the cup on the counter and go get dressed for the day. Get my second cup of coffee and wake up further. Have I mentioned I suck at waking up? I do. Nobody talks to me for the first hour I'm awake. My brain no worky yet.

Yes, I drink too much damn coffee for my own good, but going for coffee gets me up and moving. That's the key. Hubby helped me figure it out. He's awesome. So, since I get up for coffee here's the pattern. Get up, set cup on counter, wash a sink load of dishes. Go back with coffee. Get up, set cup on counter, put away dry dishes, go back with coffee. Get up, set cup on counter, sweep the floor, or more dishes, or start laundry, or switch laundry or whatever. I go outside at least twice a day. Once to always check the mail and stop and enjoy the sunshine or listen to the rain or just listen to the wind in the trees. I make myself stop and enjoy the day for what it is. The other time I got out every day is to see Bonnie and Clyde out back. T spends lots of time with them but I never did like backyards much. I'm a front porch kinda gal. So, outside is good.

I also leave the house at least twice a week. I go look at the little shops downtown or just head to Wal-Mart to browse around for 30 minutes to an hour. It's out. It's progress. Also, I have clean spoons people! And plates! And pots and pans! It's kinda nice. I'm cooking again since there's more eating now. I'm finding healthy things to cook and eating more salads again. Also, once you start eating? You stay hungry. What the hell? Before I wasn't eating and I had no appetite. I just wasn't hungry. Then I went to Mom's and she had me eating and I swear I am hungry all the damn time now.

So yesterday was my birthday. Daddy called and sent me pink, potted hydrangeas. Momma called and sent me an e-card. Mom called and little bro and sis told me happy b-day. Sachi sent me an email. My best friend from high school sent me an e-card. All in all, a pretty damn good day, folks. 35 may turn out to be a damn good year. Things have been looking up the last few weeks and I like the trend. Do I think the depression is over? Not by a long shot. Do I think I won't end up back in a slump? Hell no. But I am trying. I am making little changes and trying to keep up a routine. I'm looking for a job and sending in the resume. Hell, I even bought a new quilt set for my bed so the bedroom would be brighter. More Spring-y. It makes a difference.

Funny story before I head off. Yeah I know, long ass post, huh. So the week of Easter my brother and his family came in from California. T and I went down for a day and my other brother joined us all at a restaurant for dinner. 10 people make quite a crowd. So anyway, after dinner we were all talking in the parking lot and joking around.

Small side story: My dad collects aluminum cans for recycling. He's a fanatic about it. He stops on the side of the road all the time for cans. It's like a passion for him. Wierd, but ok. I would stop for yarn.

To continue, in the parking lot of said restaurant was a soda can. My dad was already sitting in his car so he asked T to grab it for him. There was the typical family teasing about my dad's obsession with cans. Dad, T and both nephews are in the car to head back to the house. The rest of us rode with mom. So as the rest of us are still standing there talking, dad starts to drive off. We're watching them drive away of course and all of a sudden the soda can mentioned previously comes flying out of the back window. We lost it. Then dad hits the brakes and nephew has to get out of the car to retrieve said can. He's laughing so hard he can hardly stand up. Over all the laughing we can still hear daddy yelling "What the hell is wrong with you? Get that can, son!" This sends us laughing even harder. Oldest Brother actually sits on the ground he is laughing so hard. I can hear T laughing in the car. I thought momma was gonna hurt herself. T and I discuss said tom-foolery on the way home and I had to pull over from driving as T tells me he was the one whole stole the can out of the cup holder in the car, passed it back to my nephew and convinced him to throw it out. I still laugh at the image of the brake lights coming on for daddy's can. Good times. Good times.

In parting I leave you with pictures. I know! Yay!

Tinker likes the new quilt, too.

Tinker's favorite spot is in my kitchen window. Ahhh, signs of Spring.

Yes the fan is holding the window open. Told you it was an old house.

My birthday present from Daddy.

Plant is up on a shelf to keep away from Tinker who has already knocked it off the table which is why I have pink hydrangeas in the window of my kitchen. This is why his name is Tinker. He tinkers with everything. Eh-vah-ree-thing.

Also if you enlarge the photo to see the plaque on the wall to the right of the hydrangeas, it's one of my wedding presents. My mother-in-law painted that. Talented woman.

Am I Going Crazy Yet?

2007-03-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting a lot recently. Oh, you noticed, huh? Damn. Well, to be honest about it, it's because my posts are supposed to be witty and full of funny sayings and conversations had. There hasn't been a lot of that and I didn't want this to become a chronicle of my depression but sometimes ya just gotta share even if nobody really wants it. This is gonna be one of those posts where I sit here at my desk and cry and make typos because of the tears so if ya wanna skip it, please do and we'll see you on a better day.

I'm tired, folks. So fucking tired. Depression for me is like hanging off the edge of a crumbling cliff face and someone has a tight grip on my wrists. Some days I'm gripping their wrists as hard as I can and digging into anything I think my feet can find purchase on because I want up So. Damn. Badly. Other days I'm kicking and screaming because I want them to let go. For the love of God, please let go. Just let me fall. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want to fight. I don't want to be here. I don't want to live this life anymore. There's nothing good left in it. Then there are days I'm not even holding on. I'm just hanging there. I don't really care if they hold on or let go. I don't even want that decision.

I'm still not taking care of myself like I should. I'm definitely not taking care of my house like I should. I used to be so anal about my bathroom and kitchen floors. I'm not quite sure what's on my kitchen floor right now. I just quit looking at it. I'm diabetic but there are days I don't eat at all. It's not worth the effort. I don't know when I last did laundry. I guess you don't have to do laundry if you never leave the house. I occassionally look around and think to myself, "Damn. When did I get so lazy?" I spend all day at the computer watching TV shows online or playing puzzle games and smoking way too much. That's not like me. I don't knit, crochet, paint, go to the movies or anything I used to love doing. I don't stalk knitters and my husband is nearly having to drag me into Guild Wars to play with him. I still play World of Warcraft (a lot) but most of the time because it's just habit to sign in.

I sometimes wonder if I'm using the depression as an excuse to be lazy or if the depression really is that bad. How do you know? I'm no longer denying that I have depression but I don't think there's a 12 step program for it so admitting it doesn't really help so much. Is there a clue to where if your thought processes go in a certain direction you can tell yourself, "Yep. You're THAT depressed. Congrats. Now get the fuck out of it"? Is there a chart somewhere? Why does everything seem to take so much effort anymore? I'm not sure I have a clean spoon in the house. Don't ask me why that popped into my head but there it is. I don't think I have any clean spoons. Not sure about plates either. I know T went and bought paper plates last week. That might be a clue. Also, I think my scrunchie may be tangled into my hair. I don't know. I do know my hair is out of my face and that's a good thing.

I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. I feed the cat and clean his litter box. I make sure the dogs have water since T feeds them. I check the mail and pay the bills. BUT I don't have any sort of schedule. If I did would that help? I stay awake until my eyes go blurry. Sometimes that takes a day or so. Then I fall into bed and my mind goes 10,000 miles per hour with thoughts of stupid things like "Do we have any clean spoons and will I have to cut the scrunchie out of my head?" and then I finally fall asleep and I sleep an entire day away and I wake up and it's dark outside so I check the dogs water and check the mail and feed the cat and clean his litter box. Otherwise I am sitting right here. I've had a full tank of gas in my car for 2 weeks now. The same tank of gas.

When I do sleep I'm sleeping on top of my comforter. I don't remember the last time I slept IN my bed. One night I just grabbed a sheet from the hall closet and threw it on top of me as I collapsed into bed. I've been sleeping like that for weeks now. I'm just so tired. Am I going crazy yet?

Peek A Boo!

2007-03-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

Well hello again. Update time for everyone. Yes, I know I disappeared again. I know I'm lax in my stalker duties. Everytime I get through a rough spot I think "Well, ok, that's over. NOW I'm done. NOW things are all better and life will be normal again. Yay!" Only, not so much. I never realized how hard depression hits and how often you backslide and how easy it is to do so. But I'm here now! No promises that it's a permanent thing but things are definitely looking up. I actually went on a job interview today with our local energy coop company. I'm really hoping I get it. If I don't get out of the house soon I may have to kill T. Yes, I love him but damn....months of being together 24 hours? Nope. You'd wanna kill him too. Also, the coop is literally 4 stop signs from my house. Niiiiice.

So...hmmm....what's happened since the last post. Well, Bonnie, our female catahoula, slipped her choke chain that kept her in the back yard, went into the front yard and chased a huge truck on the street, bit the tire and got rolled. She's ok now but her left front leg is now useless to her. She took a lot of nerve damage. Luckily the mailman saw it happen, knew who she belonged to and came banging on our door. Gotta love a small town.

So, both of the big dogs in the back have now had accidents involving vehicles. *Sigh* Bonnie no longer has any interest in leaving the back yard, but Clyde gets out everynight still. He just hangs on the front porch and barks if anyone walks by. He's made friends with the new neighbor puppy and visits him all the time. He likes the mailman and doesn't bother him in the morning when he delivers the mail. He doesn't bark if the local neighbors are walking by, but anyone he doesn't know from his routine gets a stern barking. Also, trash. He has picked up a bad trash habit. Ya know how dogs will roam the neighborhood and dig through peoples trash? I could live with that. That's normal. Clyde goes to other peoples houses and brings home ENTIRE bags of trash so he can go through them at his leisure on our front porch. There's nothing like stepping out in the morning and finding baby diapers everywhere. Pleasant thought, no?

Also, you guys have Christina (again) to thank for this here post. She normally has the hubby poke me for her to get my attention. She found a way around that. The mail system is evil. She send me a card that I opened and smiled when I saw it. It's rather pretty.

Then I opened it and laughed until it hurt.

Friends who refuse to give up on you are a pain in the ass and the most awesome thing ever.

Stalker Goes Domestic

2007-02-07T14:56:00.000-08:00

Back from Oklahoma but tired. I did get to talk to Christina today though, on IM (ok, actually, I'm still talking to her shhh don't tell) and I got to meet Lauren today on IM who is a lurker here at Casa de la Stalker but funny as hell. Hi Lauren! Also, I think I scared the poop out of her when I answered her IM. That's what dreams are made for folks. Scaring the poop out of people. She also invited me on up to a Stitch 'N' Bitch but Pennsylvania is a bit too far and a bit too cold. Besides, the next state I visit needs to be Washington so I can meet the neato folks there. Also, I think if I go somewhere else first Christina might hurt me. Just saying.

I hadn't planned to post today cuz I was tired from hanging some shelves all by my lonesome with wall brace thingies that required drilling and everything but y'all Christina totally didn't believe that I hung shelves. And I did. And I even put them up even and stacked shit on em already and they didn't fall out of the wall. Cuz I am that awesome. So here ya go. Proof. Of shelves. Shelves that are NOT falling out of the wall and are even and shit.

Also, cuteness. Warning, you might die from overload. Tinker is my cutie kitty boo. Too bad I don't like cats.

It's Alive!!!!

2007-01-31T10:25:00.000-08:00

Hi! Ummm...look! I remembered my blogger sign in! Yay! Yeah so I've been incommunicado for a loooong freakin while but I have a really good excuse! As soon as I think of it I'll let you know. I guess things just hit me a lot harder then I expected them to. The last few months have been a serious roller coaster ride emotionally and I've gotten to the really bad point of avoiding everyone. I'm sorry. I seriously owe Christina the biggest apology since she keeps having my husband poke me in the shoulder to get my attention. I also promised her a post ummm....a week ago? Two weeks ago? Something like that. She was also sweet enough to make my mailbox do some really fun stuff and sent me a Chris LeDoux CD and some sugar free chocolate truffles (there would be a picture, but I ate them. Promptly. I'm depressed. It's chocolate.) so thank you, Christina. Seriously. I cried when I got it but in that "oh damn someone cares" way. I've gotten a lot of emails from stalkees (even the lurker kind) and I cried at every one of them. Hell, I'm crying now. I guess once you hit this point it's really hard to realize that people care and really, really hard to understand why. Damn this is hard to write. I'm trying not to pour too much of my heart out because I haven't posted in 6 weeks and the first post should not be a pity party but at least you know I'm alive.

I still owe Erin the worlds ugliest granny square. I haven't forgotten. I owe Christina some Guild Wars time and a lot of chat time. I owe Steph, Ryan, Erin, Norma and an ass load of others some serious stalking. I'll get there. I'll be back. I am bound and determined not to let everything bothering me win. I'm fighting back the best I know how so just hang in there for me. I have been working on projects but my one finished one can't be blogged until the recipient gets it because she reads the blog but it's what she wanted for Christmas. I just need to go see her. I just ordered some lipstick red and natural black baby alpaca yarn from Misti Alpaca so I can make myself a hat and scarf set. I think it will make me feel better. Hell if nothing else I can sit around and pet it. I'm working on a knit afghan (cuz I have nothing but time right now) in some soft chunky stuff so as soon as it's done it will get blogged. I haven't given up on knitting and crocheting. I seem to have given up brushing my hair but hey, dreadlocks are cool, right?

I'm just taking little battles right now. I get up and make my bed. I win. I take a shower and brush my teeth. I win. I remember to eat something today. I win. Little battles. I'll deal with the big ones later. I have successfully avoided an anxiety attack for 2 weeks now so that's a good thing. I'm trying not to over analyze what happened to the person that showed up in Austin for the Meet'N"Greet and became the person sitting here crying in a big pink gown, fuzzy slippers and a hooded jacket with messy hair, a ~~pack~~ carton of cigarettes and a cup of coffee. I'm going this weekend with my mom to see my grandfather in Oklahoma. I couldn't even talk to him on the phone at Christmas. I haven't seen him since my grandmother's funeral. I'll also be visiting her grave this weekend. It's gonna be hard but I need to do this. I'm taking lots of yarn.

I miss you guys. I really do. I miss the blogs and I miss being me. I miss the snarky comments you guys leave me when I do something stupid. I'll get it back though. I'm determined to win. I always have sucked at losing.

It's A Pattern!

2006-12-14T13:25:00.000-08:00

Hi kids! Yes, it is I again. Finally. It's been a lot of doctor's visits here at Casa de la Stalker and dealing with learning how to be a diabetic. Yeah, it totally sucks. I'm dealing though! Not near as many crying fits (yay!) and I seem to be having a lot less anxiety attacks. T is doing great on his meds so that helps a lot as well. I really don't wanna bore you with a lot of medical crap anyway. I've been at Mom's (the non-birthing one) for most of this week cuz she has a son that's diabetic so it's been informative. It also means I haven't been on the computer much this week so I'm behind on stalking and posting. And knitting. And crocheting. Ok so all I've done all week is sit around and laugh. That's a good thing, right?

I wanted to come on though and get the fish mat pattern out there. I know some of you have been waiting on it. I'm waiting on Catsmum *ahem* to send me a pic of hers and she was going to convert it over to the English instructions for me. Hee! Also, ummm...yeah. Pattern! If you have any questions you guys know how to find me. Also, for those of you who wanted it, and if you can catch me on, instant messenger information will be at the bottom. But first, pattern! Yay!!!

_________________________________________________

Tinker’s Fish Mat

This little mat was made for putting your kitty’s food/water dish on. If your kitty is spastic like mine is, it also makes a fine kitty bed once they push their food dishes off of it and drag it to the appropriate room in the house.

It’s made with 3 strands of acrylic worsted weight for easy cleaning, a quick work-up and it makes it rather inexpensive to replace. You can use 3 different colors as I did here, 2 different colors to create stripes by switching colors at each row or every other row, or just make a solid color fish.

Ch = Chain
SC = Single Crochet
DC = Double Crochet
ss = Slip Stitch
Dec = Decrease
st = stitch/stitches

Dec – Keeping last loop of each on hook, work double crochet in next 2 stitches, yarn over, draw through all loops on hook

Yarn: 3 strands of worsted weight yarn, any color(s) held together throughout.

Hook: Size N Hook

Body & Tail

Starting at the neck, chain 12.

Row 1.) DC in 4th chain from hook then DC in each ch across to end. Ch 3, turn. (10 DC)

Row 2.) DC in next 4 st. 2 DC in next 2 st then DC in each st to the end. Ch 3, turn. (12 DC)

Row 3.) DC in next 4 st. 2 DC in next 2 st then DC in each st to the end. Ch 3, turn. (14 DC)

Row 4.) DC in next 4 st. 2 DC in next 4 st then DC in each st to the end. Ch 3, turn. (18 DC)

Rows 5 - 9.) DC in each st across. Ch 3, turn.

Row 10.) DC in next 4 st. Dec in next 8 st then DC in each st to the end. Ch3, turn. (14 DC)

Row 11.) DC in next 4 st, Dec in next 4 st then DC in each st to the end. Ch 3, turn. (12 DC)

Row 12.) DC in next 4 st, Dec in next 4 st then DC in each st to the end. Ch 3, turn. (10 DC)

Rows 13 & 14.) DC in each st across. Ch 3, turn.

Row 15.) DC in same st as Ch 3. 2 DC in each st across. Ch 3, turn. (20 DC)

Row 16.) DC in same st as Ch 3. DC in each st to the last one. 2 DC in last st. (22 DC)

Fasten off.

Fish Head

Decide which edge of the fish body will be the top and attach yarn to that edge corner opposite the tail.

Row 1.) Ch 1 then SC in next 5 st. Turn.

Row 2.) SS in next st. Ch 1 then SC in next 3 st. Turn.

Row 3.) SS in next st. Ch 1, SC in next SC and next SS. Ch 1, turn.

Row 4.) SC in next st. SS in last st.

Bind off.

On opposite edge of the body, attach yarn for the bottom jaw.

Row 1.) Ch 1. SC in next 3 st. Ch 1. turn.

Row 2.) SC in next 2 st. Ch 1, turn.

Row 3.) SC in same st as ch 1. SC in next st. Ch 1, turn.

Row 4.) SS in same st as ch 1. SS in next st.

Bind off.

Finishing

Decide which side of the fish is right side up and attach yarn anywhere. Ch 1 and SC in all st around.

Bind off.

Optional Fish Eye

Worsted weight yarn in black and white.

Size H Hook

Round 1.) With black yarn, ch 2. SC 6 times in the 2nd loop from hook. SS into the first SC and bind off.

Round 2.) Attach white yarn to any st. Ch 1 and sc in same st as ch. 2 sc in each st around. SS into the ch and ch 1. (12 SC)

Round .3) SS in same st as ch. *SC in next st. 2 SC in next st.* Repeat from * to * until you are back at the beginning ch. SS into the beginning ch and bind off.

Position the eye where you want it and sew on.

If you have any questions about this pattern, please email me at stalkerangie AT gmail DOT com and put in the subject line “Fish Mat.”

Please fill free to share this pattern with whoever would like it. You may sell anything you make using this pattern, but please list me as the designer and do not sell the pattern as your own or the Stalker will find you.

Enjoy!!

Update: I am a dork. It's been proven time and time again. I believe I said I would provide instant messenger information. Oops. Hee!

Yahoo: stalkerangie
MSN: ladydragnblade@hotmail.com
AIM: ladydragnblade18

Friday! Yay!

2006-12-08T12:54:00.000-08:00

First off my apologies to Erin. She won the granny square. I only had to throw bits of paper in the air five times to get Tinker to pick a winner. The first 3 times he just watched them flutter to the ground then looked at me like I was stupid. The 4th time he showed a little interest and on the 5th try he actually pounced. Now he's mad because I woke him up from a nap to play with bits of paper I then took away from him. Poor Kitty Boo. So Erin, be aware that this hideous thing is going to show up on your doorstep. This is poor payment for you sending me Clucky Rooster. I'll try and do better next time. Hehe

The last few days have been all about trips to the doctor cuz my blood pressure is still too high so now I'm on 2 meds for it. As of Wednesday, I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. As of Wednesday I am going to a psychologist and I've already seen her twice. As of today I am on a paid leave of absence from work until I get my meds taken care of. My job is supposed to be ending as of December 29th. This should be interesting. I'm handling things ok. Don't worry too much about me at this point. I'll still have my bad days but I have found I have an awesome support network and people calling me daily just to see how my day is going.

Now, as promised, pictures of the animals. See, we got a new coffepot. I know! Yay us! And you know how coffepots come in those big boxes packed in shaped styrofoam? Well, Tinker found one of those pieces. He play with it. He plays in it. He also sleeps in it. Thank goodness I didn't go but him a $50 kitty bed. It's easier to go buy another $15 coffee pot. Everyone needs extra coffeepots, right?

Also, the babies are getting their hair back and Saoirse couldn't be happier about it. Well, she could but she has way too much attitude.

Alex is happy about his hair growing back, but he fell asleep watching me knit. He leads an exciting life.

You Brought This On Yourselves.

2006-12-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

You can't say I didn't warn you. I tried to be nice about the whole knitting thing and I even went ahead and showed you a picture of what I was knitting but you had to be all "There goes that bat shit Stalker again with her 'I can't decide on a craft' trying to knit something. Then you rolled your eyes at me. Did too! I saw you! Right there through the interweb. So do you remember what I said I'd do? Do you? Well let it be know that Stalker Angie does not make idle threats. Behold, the product of your scorn. The bastard child of your snide remarks. The avocado green.

Because this is your fault, this will be sent to one of the unlucky folks who read this blog. This vortex of horror will show up on your doorstep. Granted, it's soft as hell. I can't get over how soft it is. But the colors! Eww! Also, this is made with some of my grandmother's yarn. So this is probably the original stuff. From the late 60's/early 70's. You know you want this granny square. Who wants a contest??

Yay! Ok, here's the deal. It's time for Stalker Trivia! Yay! Anyone who wishes to participate, please email your answers to me at stalkerangie AT gmail DOT com. Those who get them all right will be put on little pieces of paper. Those little pieces of paper will then be systematically, with all due precision, tossed into the air and the first one attacked by the ever spastic Tinker, is the winner. This also means you have to be willing to give your snail mail address to a Stalker. Assuming I don't already have it. Hehe. So, yeah. Trivia!

1.) Who was my 14th post for?

2.) In October of 2005, who's Pin Oak tree did I hide in?

3.) My 100th post was on June 12, 2006. What did T and I "argue" about?

4.) Not counting this post, how many posts have there been? (Hint: I told you when the 100th one was.)

5.) In the previous post, what is the second word on the 12th line?

So send in your answers folks and this avocado, orange and baby poo brown monstrosity can be yours! You have until Thursday, December 7th at 6:30 pm Central to get in your answers. Wednesday's post will be skipped but I promise cute animal photos for Friday and also who won the umm...dubious contest. Woohoo!

I'd Rather Be Knitting

2006-12-01T12:41:00.000-08:00

There will be rambling and ranting this post. My doc switched my meds (we'll get to that in a bit) so today I have no meds so I can be prepared for the next round so I'm a little jittery and rambly today. Also I can't seem to type so any typing mistakes, well, that would be normal. Also, I think my doctor is related to T somehow because she carries stupid conversations as well as he does. Also, Hi. Happy Friday.

Ok, so I'd rather be knitting. Thrown for a loop? No? You're used to my crazy mood swings and going from craft to craft? Well, fine then. Piss off. I won't tell you what I'm knitting. Nope. Nuh uh. I'll just wait until I have some crochet to show you and you can suffer. I'll go make some hideous avacado green granny square thing with harvest gold fringe. And you'll like it.

So I went to the doctor yesterday and she said my emotional rollercoaster was due to the meds not building up in my system so we are on a higher dose now and also blood pressure meds for hypertension. Cuz, it would seem that 170/107 is not so much for the good. On a totally unrelated side note, eggs fried in bacon grease make the most kick ass sandwiches, ever. So we discussed my symptoms and she just kept harping on this whole blood pressure thing, y'all.

Me: So about the weird back pains..

Dr. Harpy: Oh that would be high blood pressure. See, your blood vessels are constricting so hard they're cramping the nerves in your back which is why it pulses with your (way too fast) heart beat and travels like it does.

Me: I think it may be a lasting result of when I hurt my back.

Dr. Harpy: Yep, definitely hypertension.

Me: Plus these flash headaches are really getting on my nerv...

Dr. Harpy: High blood pressure.

Me: *glare* So yeah it's a good thing that we'll be upping the dosage on the Prozac and...

Dr. Harpy: Yep! And putting you on blood pressure medication. Just until you get the stress under control.

Me: I am still going to Taco Bell for lunch after this. I am NOT getting a salad.

Dr: Harpy: You really are a stubborn pain in the ass. You're every doctor's nightmare.

Me: Hee!

See? Abuse! My doctor actually called me a pain in the ass! Ok yeah, it's true but hey! Professionalism maybe? Perhaps I just drive people to new heights of irritation......naaaah.

So anyway, I learned a new lesson. Don't give your mom your IM information. Just, don't. Cuz it's not so much that she chats with me. I love that. My mom is awesome and funny. It's that what would have been an appropriate phone call at home later, becomes a bad idea through IM at work. Like telling me that my oldest brother and his wife are splitting up after Christmas. Appropriate to call me at home and let me know this. Not so much at work where I can't exactly scream "WHAT????" at my computer screen at work. They look at you funny and make you take a break.

So yeah, I'm pissed at that situation. Granted any woman that can live with my brothers for more than 5 minutes deserves a medal of some sort, but damn. I don't get it. Plus, I am halfway through a pink afghan for this woman. Pink!!! Did I mention it had pink in it? Remember this?

What the hell am I gonna do with it? I hate citrus colors and pink. Luckily my best girl Pam in Houston has a daughter (Hi Jess!!!) who loves pink. A new home! Oh wait, Pam don't show this to Jess. Suprise, 'member? K. But you can tell her Hi for me. Ok moving on.

So anyway, yeah I have a full on rant about the impending break up of my brother's marriage and none of it favorable and dear sweet wooly Jesus she actualy said The Spark was gone!!! The Spark, people! Oh, I'm sorry, honeymoon is over and real life set in and guess what marriage is HARD!! It takes an ass load of work and dedication and you have to search for that damn spark sometimes. It can be an elusive sonofabitch. Grr!

I will deal with my anger later after I drive to California and slap the snot out of someone and scream in their faces until I foam at the mouth and spittle flies everywhere. Until then, I started knitting a scarf last night for my mom and damn, do I love it and hate that I have to give it away. The yarn is a shiny, sparkley charcoal grey that was my grandmother's and my mom fell in love with it. Mom just bought a new black leather coat so this yarn will look oh so spiffy with it. The pattern I chose can be found here and it's awesome. It's fun and engaging with it's little twists, repetitive enough to be relaxing but not boring. Also, I am knitting it on grandma's size 8 needles that are a very nice scarf knitting 8 inches long. This is what I'd rather be working on right now. I want to knit. *twitch*

A Good Day

2006-11-29T10:03:00.000-08:00

Granted, it's only noon, but it's been a good day so far. I'm feeling up and positive because it seems like things are getting done. I'm not stressing as much about the job situation. T will still have his for a couple of months after me and I'll have unemployment coming in. I have time. I don't need to panic. Something will come along and it'll be good. If I apply somewhere and don't get a call, then it's not where I am meant to be.

T is finally on meds for HIS depression and stress and it's made life more bearable for me. He's in the middle of a really bad exacerbation with his MS and I'm doing my best to not let it drag me down. He doesn't need to see how badly I am taking this exacerbation. That's the hardest part about marriage or a partnership. You hold things in not because you don't want to share them but because you love them and don't want to burden them. We both do it. Hell, we all do it.

I just got off the phone with him and he just finished his first visit to a psych doctor. He sounds awesome. He's actually positive about going to this doctor. He likes what the doctor had to say and was very open about the visit they had. This is such a good thing I could cry with relief. There's hope there. He hasn't sounded this good in almost 2 years. My mind is doing cartwheels. My body is saying "Dear God maybe she'll get some sleep and relax now!!"

I have an appointment for tomorrow to talk to my doc about my meds, side effects and any symptoms I've been having that I forgot to mention before. I made a list this time. It's scary that I was able to make a fucking LIST. Lists are for groceries and things to do. Not symptoms. But that's ok! I'm accepting the fact that I cannot do this alone. I'm accepting the fact that I'm going to need meds for a while to get through this and that's it's not a permanent thing. I am accepting that pushing my friends and family away is not going to do me any good nor would it be very successful. It worked in the past. I have new friends now. They're as stubborn as I am. This is scary.

I also realize that stopping the blog would be a really dumb ass move. It's not just a way to connect with everyone. I feel better when I write out what I'm feeling or thinking. You guys make an AWESOME sounding board. I cannot thank you enough for the kind words and the advice. I need to keep reminding myself that I'm not alone, I don't have to be alone and that I'm not the only one that is going through, or has gone through, something like this.

Your comments have made me laugh and kept me going. They've made me cry and cope. Some of you have given me things to research and that's the kinda stuff I live for. Some of you (coughChristinacough) have called me a dork and made me cry not because of being called a dork, but because it's such a normal occurrence from that person, that it made me feel like things were going to be ok. Things are so out of whack with life and it's, I don't know, normal. I should probably be depressed that being called a dork is normal. It just makes me laugh. Cuz I am a dork. Also, now I am rambling. Also, being mushy, eww. Sorry.

So anyway, yeah. Having a good day. I have local friends who love me and worry about me. I have friends all over that buck me up, make me laugh and reveal my dorkiness to the world simply because I love yarn just as much as they do. You guys rock.

Hope you have a great day. See ya Friday. :)

Surfacing.

2006-11-27T09:26:00.000-08:00

Hi! I umm...yeah. This makes 4 posts for all of November. That's really sad. It's not that nothing went on for the entire freaking month of November, I just have been in this fog. Yes, this is mostly a post for me to get out some things in writing. If you don't want to read further, just skip to comments and tell me to get the hell over it already and bring back the funny. :)

So I finally went to the doctor at the end of October and did you know it takes some meds forever to build up in your system? Totally. So the doctor says I'm stressed. I know! I was shocked. Stupid conversation follows and points out the extent of my stubbornness.

Doc: So why are you here? What can we do for you?

Me: Well, since about February, there's been MAYBE 30 days this year where I haven't been vomiting at least once and I'm getting these flash headaches and weird nerve issues in my back.

Doc: February, huh? And you're just now coming in why?

Me: I'm stubborn? I don't like doctors? I always think things will fix themselves? I have a healthy sense of denial?

Doc: Mmhmmm. Ok, so we're going to run some tests on your liver and pancreas but I'm betting it's all stress related.

Me: Stress? I never have serious stress issues.

Doc: Ok, so what's going on in your life right now that COULD cause stress if you were so inclined to be effected by said possible stress.

Me: Umm....my hubby has MS and is having an exacerbation, I'm being laid off in December, he's being laid off in February, we have 5 dogs and a cat to take care of, there's never enough time in the day and I'm still dealing with the loss of my grandmother and my dog. Granted, Grandma rates above the dog, but still.

Doc: Ok, so I'm putting you on Prozac for 30 days and then you're coming back in.

Me: Oh hell no. I don't need Prozac. Crazy people who are overwhelmed take Prozac. I'm hunky dory.

Doc: Which is why your blood pressure is sky high, your resting pulse rate is over 100, you've sat here and chewed off 3 of your fingernails while talking to me and you've scratched your face until you're bleeding? That's your hunky dory?

Me: Shut up.

Doc: You're going to try the Prozac for 30 days. You're going to come back and see me at the end of that or before the end of the year I'll see you after your heart attack and/or stroke. Did you know you've been crying for 30 minutes now?

Me: Oh and my eyes are leaky. I'm not crying. It's medical.

Doc: Here's your prescription.

So yes, I have been taking Prozac for the last month and getting used to it. Yes, I'm going back this week because emotionally I'm on a roller coaster. I take it in the mornings and my days are whacky. By the time afternoon rolls around, I feel pretty even keel. Sloggy, but even keel. By evening I'm giddy and my brain races. I go to bed and can't sleep cuz my mind won't shut up. In the morning I wake up on rock bottom and feel like I have to start all over. This isn't what is supposed to be happening me thinks. According to Non-birth Mom (she requested it be shortened from Mom of the she did not give birth to me variety. Silly woman) I should have been on this stuff over a year ago. I tend to agree with her.

I'm trying to get myself pulled together. I'm trying to take interest in those things that once made me happy. I'm trying to find upbeat positive things to post and I'm trying so hard to get back into reading the blogs and commenting. I find when I read them here lately that I don't want to comment because I've been away so long and will anyone even remember me on some of them and can I make a comment without sounding snarky or depressed? I'm trying not to cry because when I read the blogs I'm so behind on what is happening with everyone and I miss everyone and following along.

I find that when I get overly stressed or depressed that I push people away and try to fade out of everyone's life. If I don't face my friends, I don't have to face my issues, right? Several times these last 2 months I have had serious thoughts of shutting down the blog, closing my emails and just letting Stalker Angie fade away from the blog life and move on. I realize now that that's not fair. It's not fair to me or any of you guys. I'm going to do my best to post on a regular schedule even if it's just a pic of Tinker or one of the puppies. I'm going to do my best to reconnect with all of my blogs and stay updated. If I miss a post, feel free to bug the snot out of me until I post something. I'm on yahoo, AIM and MSN. Christina does an awesome job of that when she can. Hell, bug her until she bugs me. It's not like T and I don't have dumb ass conversations on a daily basis I could post. Also, I need to be having pics of FO's for Christmas to post. See? Sometimes it just takes a cattle prod to the butt.

Guess who swatched!!

2006-11-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

No, it wasn't me, but I have a confession of swatching. I do. See, I talk to Christina just about daily (until she remembers she has more of a life than I do) on Yahoo and I was being her seaming support for her sweater. Then....she confessed it. Just came right out and blurted! She swatched for her sweater. She's a swatcher now! And now for the confession:

[17:54] lionessria: I'm sleeve-seaming now! lol
[17:54] stalkerangie: *scared*
[17:55] lionessria: I'd kinda like to know why they're so short though.
[17:56] stalkerangie: uh oh. that doesn't bode well
[17:56] stalkerangie: umm...3/4 sleeves maybe?
[17:56] lionessria: we're going to have to have some serious ribbing. lol
[17:56] stalkerangie: don't make it look like an 80's sweater lol
[17:57] lionessria: Pfft
[17:57] stalkerangie: all tight below the elbow so it's poofy above. not a good look lol
[17:58] lionessria: Or I could actually knit a swatch in stockingette and knit downwards before starting the ribbing.
[17:58] stalkerangie: oh now that sounds like a much better idea
[17:59] lionessria: Swatch! *runs away*
[17:59] stalkerangie: lol
[17:59] stalkerangie: I've never swatched before....
[17:59] stalkerangie: unless you count that scarf I never finished....I could call it a swatch
[18:00] lionessria: You wanna know a secret? I actually swatched for this sweater on the machine before I started.
[18:01] stalkerangie: I am so blogging that. I'm telling the world!
[18:01] stalkerangie: or, the few people who read my blog anyway
[18:02] lionessria: Go ahead. I was going to anyways when I posted the finished pics and stuff.
[18:02] stalkerangie: well damn. it's no fun then. lol
[18:02] lionessria: Oh right. I mean.. No! No! You can't!
[18:03] stalkerangie: lmao. yay!! now I can! I shall blog it and tell everyone!!

So there it is folks! Head over and mock her for the swatcher she is. Or bug her on Yahoo and tell her you heard of her swatchiness. Swatching indeed.

Slog Blog

2006-11-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

I keep slogging through my brain to try and figure out what to write. I'm trying not to create my own personal pitty party on the blog. I'm struggling with dealing with the impending job loss, T's MS, having to go to work everyday knowing that I am just spinning my wheels because in just over a month it will be someone else's job. For those of you that were in Boerne this last weekend I extend my sincerest apologies for missing it. I'm trying to pick myself back up and I don't think I would have made the weekend without crying into the alpaca and that would have just been awkward. I spent the weekend instead crying into my mom's lap and getting a new batch of yarn that used to be my grandmother's and crying because I miss her oh, and there was crying because I woke up Sunday and my folks were out of vanilla creamer. Are you sensing a trend?

So that's why I haven't posted in a week and why I missed the coolest time in Boerne this last weekend. I'll make it up at the next meet n greet. I pinky swear it. I swear on my stash. Yeah. So take that. So to kinda keep my spirits up, I have been crocheting and have I got something for you guys. Remember this?
Some of you expressed interest in a fish mat for your knitter kitties. Guess what I did! It's not tested yet but I have a person in mind to test the pattern for me. Tada!!!! I designed a fish mat!

And here it is in use by Tinker's food dish.

It would be very simple to do a striped fish or a solid color. If anyone wants a fish mat, let me know. Once the pattern is tested, I'll post it and share. :)

Nekkid and Pissed

2006-11-01T17:23:00.000-08:00

Now before you sickos out there (that would be you....you think I'm funny and that makes you sick. Hee!) get any ideas about this post, I'm not nekkid. Nor are there any pics of me nekkid. You may thank me later. I am, however, pissed. At myself. See, this post was supposed to happen this morning. Or, early afternoon, whatever. Earlier than now anyway. Here's what happened.

See, I got up late this morning. No, later than usual. Shut up. So I didn't have time over my coffee this morning to upload pics or throw them onto my handy-dandy thumb drive for uploading from work. Yes, I suck, I know. So T says he'll take my memory card out of my camera and send me the files at work. Yay! So around mid afternoon I send him an IM about the pictures. Yes, it's another installment of stupid conversations. Yes, I know it's not original.

Me: Pictures! I demand pictures for blogging!

T: Ok, hold on. Getting you camera.

T: Umm....Where's your memory card for you camera?

Me: Umm...shit?

T:........

Me: Is it in my computer?

T: Yes. It is. Did you take pictures without your memory card?

Me: Maybe...

T: *sigh* Ok, where is the cord for your camera?

Me: Umm...shit?

T: Baby, where is the cord.

Me: In my purse. At work. With me.

T signs off the instant messenger. Yeah that's kinda how my day went. But I'm home now! I have pictures for you! Now we get on with the nekkid! Woohoo! I know some of you are wonder what was lurking beneath the carpet of death in my dining room. Who wants pictures?? Oh, you do? Ok! Behold, my nekkid dining room floor!

That, my dear Stalkees, is the original tongue 'n groove hardwood floors from when the house was built in the 1920's. We asked the neighbors who have the same floor and who's house was built by the same guy who built ours. They are also the people we bought the house from. It's not in perfect shape, but it just needs to be sanded, stained and water sealed. None of the boards are cracked or coming up, none separating and all of the problem spots can easily be sanded out. I cannot tell you how excited I am. The neighbors said they'd even come over and help since they did their own floors and know how to work the sanders and such. Woohoo!! Here is proof of some of the rough spots. Trust me, there are larger areas, but I'm not sharing those.

So, speaking of nekkid, yesterday the puppies had an appointment for the groomer. I make the mistake of letting T take them in for the first time ever. I know how I like them cut. He doesn't. He tells them he just wants a little hair left on the ends of their tails. That's ALL they have left people. I get home yesterday and I'm convinced he brought home the wrong dogs. I sent in Lhasa Apso's. I got back pugs. Proof of the nekkid!

Poor Alex. The boy has been in a bad mood since he got home yesterday. Then there's Saoirse. She just spent all day and night shivering. By the way, Saoirse is pronounced "SEER-sha." It's Gaelic for Freedom. Nekkid Freedom. Hehe

Also, speaking of not amused? The dogs? Are pissed. They are trying to figure out how to get revenge for being nekkid.

He's plotting.

Saoirse just wants a chunk of vital flesh. I'm running to hide now.

Cuteness, Finished Object and Not So Cute.

2006-10-30T11:00:00.000-08:00

Hi gang! So, shall we start with cuteness, the finished object or the not so cute? I'm afraid if I start with cuteness I may lose you for the rest of the post. The finished object I'm saving for the end because most of you won't believe I actually finished something. So I guess we head right for the not so cute. This....this used to be an orderly stash room.

I found this when I got home Friday and went to find some yarn. I think it's time for another installment of "Stupid Conversations Had At My House."

Me: Baby??

T: Yes?

Me: Why is my dining room in my stash room?

T: Cuz I moved it in there?

Me: You're an ass.

T: For moving the furniture?

Me: No..Well yes, but for giving me a stupid answer. Why did you move the furniture into my stash room?

T: Because we're ripping up the dining room carpet.

Me: Oh. Ummm...You're sister and her husband are due here next week.

T: Yeah, it's easier to rip up the carpet and claim construction than it is to try and clean the carpet.

Me: The carpet is so bad you'd rather rip it up, hoping there's a serviceable floor under it and claim construction??

T: Yes.

Me: Are we that damn messy?

T: Penny was. When was the last time you looked behind the dining room table? She destroyed it!

Me: Ummm...well....behind, huh?

T: You're so observant.

Me: Piss off, dear.

So yeah, we're ripping up the dining room carpet. I guess. It didn't happen over the weekend so I guess my next few evenings will consist of...carpet ripping. I'm doing a lot of guessing here folks.

So anyway, on to the cuteness! I cornered Saoirse in the living room and demanded a picture of her saying her presence was requested. I got this.

Cold shouldered. By my own dog. If she could have reached me to bite me, she would have, y'all. Luckily, she is lazy and I would not step closer to her. I swear vengeance upon her come Wednesday when I get home and she and Alex are back from the groomers. Hee!

Now, this is where Tinker sleeps while I play on the computer. My cat is retarded.

He sleeps on my left foot. Under my desk. Alex sleeps on my right foot. I have living slippers. This will rock in the winter time if it ever comes to Texas. Until then, I am dying with the hot feet.

Moving on past the cuteness.....move on, people. Come on, get off the pictures already. I am dangling a finished object in front of you. Yarny goodness. Wanna see?

It's a dog bone mat! For the babies' water bowl cuz they are messy drinkers. This thing is fully washable and it's acrylic. I really don't care how messed up it gets because I can whip out another one in a day or two! I used blue, green and white to match my kitchen. The pattern was found on the Crochetville forums and was designed by Andrea Wallace.

I finished something! Now I need to move chairs so I can get to my stash because I know a few people who need one of these for their furry beasties. I just need to know colors folks or I'll just make it "bone" color. Anyone want one? I like making these. E-mail me. Seriously. I wanna make you people dog bone mats. Now.

*Ahem* Sorry. Obsessive. I'll go take my meds now. Hee!

Yarn's Bound and Wound

2006-10-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

Yarn's bound and wound, we're loadin' up and truckin',
We gonna drive past San Antonio.
We've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there.
We're West bound just watch ol' Stalker run.

Keep your foot hard on the pedal. Jo, never mind them brakes.
Let the yarn hang out cuz we got a run to make.
The girls are twitchy up in Dallas and there's wool to get in Boerne,
And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes.

Yarn's bound and wound, we're loadin' up and truckin',
We gonna drive past San Antonio.
We've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there.
We're West bound just watch ol' Skitter run.

Yarn's bound and wound, we're loadin' up and truckin',
We gonna drive past San Antonio.
We've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there.
We're West bound just watch ol' NanC run.

Ol' Smokey's got them ears on, he's hot on your trail.
He's gonna take your wool and lock you in jail.
So you got to dodge 'im and you got to duck 'im,
You got to keep that spinning wheel truckin'.
Just put that hammer down and give it hell.

Yarn's bound and wound, we're loadin' up and truckin',
We gonna drive past San Antonio.
We've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there.
We're West bound just watch these knitters run.

I...couldn't resist. Blame NanC. We're going to Kid 'N' Ewe. I got stalking to do. See you guys in Boerne. Yay!

Oh and if you haven't seen Smokey and the Bandit, shame on you. Go rent it now. The stalker compels you!

Menagerie

2006-10-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

I really have nothing to follow up Austin with. I'm discussing Kid N' Ewe with the hubby and trying to ignore the coersion going on in the comments. Seriously. He wants me to go, we're just working out finances for hotels and such. Anyone want or need a roommate for Saturday night? I promise I'm fun to have around. Jo will attest to the fact that if it gets late enough I'll talk about damn near anything. Hee!

So to distract you from the lack of anything interesting, I give you pictures of Alex, Bonnie, Clyde and Tinker being his cutest self. I don't have any recent of Saoirse because she refuses to sit still for the blindy flashy thing after the shawl modeling debacle.

Someone needs a haircut. And a clue. Hee!

Happy girl!
Happy boy!

Mmmm.....they think they're tasty indeed.Love me, I'm cute.

Tinker says, "Why is the basket empty? Mommy wont share her yarn with me! Kitty abuse!" I think he's plotting my demise here. Eeeeevil kitty.

Austin Meet N Greet

2006-10-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

Warning: This post is long and picture heavy. Yay!

How do you explain fun? How do you describe how awesome something was? I'll try, but damn, I don't know if I'll do it any justice. Seriously. I honestly figured there would be maybe 5 people there (including me) and that it might be a smidge awkward. I love when I am wrong. Sometimes. This time I loved it anyway.

As usual, I was running late to a function. Now folks, it doesn't matter if I leave at 7 am for a 2 hour drive when I don't have to be there until 10 am. I will be late. There will be accidents, construction zones and funerals. It's a given. I give up trying to be on time. I'm just going to accept my tardiness and be done with it. So I was supposed to be at Opal Divines by 10:30 am to be able to greet everyone and at 11:00 am I called the restaurant because I was still 45 minutes away. Shocked? No? Shut up. At least I called. Jeez. So I told the hostess to possibly expect people and to go ahead and seat them or whatever and let them know I was running late. Her response was that a few people had already showed and had been seated. Huh? People already? Cool! Then I began to panic. There were people already there and waiting. WAITING! Then it hit me. It's knitters. They have yarn. They are so not bored or anything.

So I finally arrived and by golly there was cheering! Mostly by me because I was out of Austin traffic and there was food in my future. Skipping breakfast is not so much for making a fun drive. I'll try and remember that in the future. We had a very nice turn out with folks from Austin, Dallas and Houston. You guys rock, you know that? So this is who showed up for our yarn party.

Let me see if I can get all the names right here. *Crosses fingers.* If I get anyone wrong, please let me know I'm an idiot so I can correct it. K? Thx. Starting with Jo in the blue shirt and going clockwise around the first table, Chris, NanC, Snowden (sadly blogless), Nancy (also sadly blogless), Ellie, Julia (who is hiding here but I got a pic of her tattoo. Hee!), Kristin, Meg and P-La. At the second table is Caro in the background and Stacy.

Here we have (from the left) Meg, Kristin and Amy showing proof that swatching happens. And what happens when there is no swatching?

Rrrriiiiiiiipppppppp. Poor Snowden. And she can't even blog her frustrations, hint, hint. We tried to promote blogging. We were ruthless. Ok, not really, but we can pretend, right?

Jene (below in the blue shirt, but sadly blogless as well) also came and played with us. Look at all the yarn on the table! So wonderful.

But then yarn on the table was the order of the day. Also, there was tattoo showings and adorable purses and project bags every-damn-where. And beer. There was definitely beer

Hi Julia's Leg!!

Also, there were some evil people there from a cool organization called Thundering Paws but y'all, they brought kittens. That needed homes. Kittens + Knitters = Lots of not looking that way cuz there are cute kittens. Also, lots of "Awwwwwwwww how cute!" There might have been a couple of "Well, we had talked about another kitten." and some "No, I cannot take a kitten home." I do not have a picture of the kittens. That would just be cruel. But if you click on the link for them, there are kittens. Consider yourself warned.

So all in all, I would say it was a grand success and will definitely happen again. It was so cool to get to meet everyone and it was just...damn fun, guys. There was yarn petting and pattern drooling and so much laughter. There was music, food and drink. There was talk of rotating the Meet 'N' Greet and I like the idea. I like the idea of rotating between Austin, Houston and Dallas so that the same people aren't having to make a long drive each time. Plus, it will allow those folks who simply cannot afford to drive across state to participate. No, we won't be holding one in El Paso, I'm sorry. There had been talk of San Antonio but, damn, this bunch loose on the River Walk? Scary. We'll see how we progress.

So around 3 pm, Chris, NanC and I headed for the Lonestar Knit Out and Crochet. It was nice and relaxing and we met some really cool folk there as well. I don't know names (unfortunately) but here are some of the pictures taken there.

Scary Doll. Cool sweater.

Now this next photo is a kicker. Everyone know of Mom of the did not give birth to me variety? The woman on the left in this picture, is her sister. I shit you not. I haven't seen her in almost 10 years. I flipped out.

The poor woman on the right with her finger stuck in her eye? She's the one who put the whole Knit Out thing in Austin together. She's allergic to wool, people. I will give you a moment to process the horror that is her knitting life. Bless her heart. She had to have been miserable all day.

I love that bright hat. I covet that hat.

And then this woman was perfectly lovely and fun to hang out with and she knit a Princess Leia hat!! How cool is that??

So around 5:30, Chris, NanC and I headed off to find food. Well, they ate and I sampled a bit. At 7:00 I met up with Jo and her lovely daughters for dinner at the Hula Hut in Austin and y'all, I cannot recommend it more. The food was fabulous, the atmosphere was awesome and the company was way too fun. There was singing and dancing in our seats and food. Damn good food. I won't tell you how late we hung out on the pier where the restaurant is, because it was an ungodly amount of time that just seemed to fly by.

I cannot thank everyone enough for coming out to play and just making it a very kick ass Saturday. I don't think we should do this once a year. I think we should do this once every 4 months so we hit all 3 major cities in a year. I miss everyone already and cannot wait to hang out again.

Because I Am Obviously An Idiot

2006-10-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

Eek! This is going up much later than I wanted it to. Stupid, stupid work and the stupid, stupid customers. I have things to do people! I cannot be sitting around all day dealing with your problems! There is blogging to be done!

Anyway, is it Saturday yet? No? Dammit. So I thought I'd throw in a final idea of an itinerary (snerk) since, ya know, this whole Meet N' Greet thing is tomorrow and all. Here we go!

11:00 am - 3:00 pm

Opal Divine's Penn Field. 3601 S. Congress Ave Ste K100, Austin, Tx.
You can reach them at 512-707-0237 for directions. It's just south of St Edward's University.
When I get there (hopefully before 11 am when they open) I'll make sure the door folks know of their impending doom and to steer anyone asking about knitters, crocheters or stalkers over to wherever they stick me.
Bring a project! I like petting yarn. Hee!

3:00 pm - 6:00 pm

Lonestar Knitters Knit Out and Crochet at Borders, 4477 S. Lamar, Austin, Tx.
You can reach them at 512-891-8974 for directions.
I would imagine there will be someone to follow. I have a map.
Be afraid.

There will most likely be a hotel room involved Saturday night for myself to crash into, I honestly haven't decided. I should get on that, huh. Hopefully, none of the Harlot's big, hairy spiders will be involed. Otherwise, I'm sleeping in the hotel pool. Just sayin.

Dear, sweet Jeebus is it Saturday yet??

Oh, and there will be pictures taken and blog fodder happening. Do not be offended if I am sitting like an idiot writing down names and blogs. My memory is shit. Go ask Christina about my memory. She'll have stories. They might be funny, I don't remember.

See you tomorrow!!!

Yes, I Should Be Working. Shut Up.

2006-10-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I know I should be working but I'm having a real hard time giving a shit today. I'm betting I'm gonna be having these days. Plus I was sick yesterday and I hurt all over because of it so I'm not really caring that our customers can't figure their computer systems out. No, I'm not being all depressed and blah, or maybe I am. How do you tell if you're depressed? Seriously, cuz I'm actually all excited about this weekend and trying to decide what project to drag along with me and just...I don't know, having a DAMN good time with strangers. I'm actually looking forward now to the next 3 months and finding new work and having a change. Maybe I wasn't meant to have a long term job anywhere. I get too bored easily. After about 2 years in one job, I tend to get twitchy. Perhaps this was all for the best.

Anyway, off the doom and gloom. Not much going on at Casa de la Stalker these days except cleaning, and that's not exciting. We've been re-arranging the living room and y'all, some of that shit hasn't moved in 3 years. I don't dust. It shows. So everything that got moved, got cleaned and let me tell ya, you can go through a crap load of cleaning wipes in one room. Hell, I even took all of our DVD's out of their racks and wiped them down. We won't discuss how nasty that was. The worst part of moving furniture that hasn't moved in 3 years? Untouched carpet. Carpet that no longer matches the rest of the carpet. If we have company, I'll be sitting on the pretty carpet to hide it. So sad.

So, yeah I have pictures! Yay! Looook at the shiny piiiictuuures. Don't think about your duuuuuust.

Tinker seems to be real comfortable in his new home. Hubby needs a shave. Tinker doesn't care.

I was also going to have a picture of Alex in the backyard here but when I took the pic, I didn't realize he chose that exact moment to hike his leg and we don't do doggy porn here, folks. And I can't wait to see what kind of hits I get from THAT little sentence.

Can anyone tell me what these are? They grow between our house and our deck every year and bloom every Fall. They're gorgeous and I want more of them. Anyone?

My grapevines are coming back and really seem to be enjoying the chicken wire we put up to keep Bonnie and Clyde in.

Here a shot of what it looks like if you stand in my backyard and look straight up. Our pecan trees have gotten huge!

And last but not least, remember the pear tree incident? I think you do. And remember this shot of the pear tree's revenge?

Pear trees says, "HA! Screw you, fence dude! I'm glad you cut me down cuz some of my limbs had that damn tree fungus. Not now, fence bitches! Look how healthy I am!"

You go on with your bad self, Mr. Pear Tree. You just go on.