Friday, March 30, 2007

Am I Going Crazy Yet?

I haven't been posting a lot recently. Oh, you noticed, huh? Damn. Well, to be honest about it, it's because my posts are supposed to be witty and full of funny sayings and conversations had. There hasn't been a lot of that and I didn't want this to become a chronicle of my depression but sometimes ya just gotta share even if nobody really wants it. This is gonna be one of those posts where I sit here at my desk and cry and make typos because of the tears so if ya wanna skip it, please do and we'll see you on a better day.

I'm tired, folks. So fucking tired. Depression for me is like hanging off the edge of a crumbling cliff face and someone has a tight grip on my wrists. Some days I'm gripping their wrists as hard as I can and digging into anything I think my feet can find purchase on because I want up So. Damn. Badly. Other days I'm kicking and screaming because I want them to let go. For the love of God, please let go. Just let me fall. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want to fight. I don't want to be here. I don't want to live this life anymore. There's nothing good left in it. Then there are days I'm not even holding on. I'm just hanging there. I don't really care if they hold on or let go. I don't even want that decision.

I'm still not taking care of myself like I should. I'm definitely not taking care of my house like I should. I used to be so anal about my bathroom and kitchen floors. I'm not quite sure what's on my kitchen floor right now. I just quit looking at it. I'm diabetic but there are days I don't eat at all. It's not worth the effort. I don't know when I last did laundry. I guess you don't have to do laundry if you never leave the house. I occassionally look around and think to myself, "Damn. When did I get so lazy?" I spend all day at the computer watching TV shows online or playing puzzle games and smoking way too much. That's not like me. I don't knit, crochet, paint, go to the movies or anything I used to love doing. I don't stalk knitters and my husband is nearly having to drag me into Guild Wars to play with him. I still play World of Warcraft (a lot) but most of the time because it's just habit to sign in.

I sometimes wonder if I'm using the depression as an excuse to be lazy or if the depression really is that bad. How do you know? I'm no longer denying that I have depression but I don't think there's a 12 step program for it so admitting it doesn't really help so much. Is there a clue to where if your thought processes go in a certain direction you can tell yourself, "Yep. You're THAT depressed. Congrats. Now get the fuck out of it"? Is there a chart somewhere? Why does everything seem to take so much effort anymore? I'm not sure I have a clean spoon in the house. Don't ask me why that popped into my head but there it is. I don't think I have any clean spoons. Not sure about plates either. I know T went and bought paper plates last week. That might be a clue. Also, I think my scrunchie may be tangled into my hair. I don't know. I do know my hair is out of my face and that's a good thing.

I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. I feed the cat and clean his litter box. I make sure the dogs have water since T feeds them. I check the mail and pay the bills. BUT I don't have any sort of schedule. If I did would that help? I stay awake until my eyes go blurry. Sometimes that takes a day or so. Then I fall into bed and my mind goes 10,000 miles per hour with thoughts of stupid things like "Do we have any clean spoons and will I have to cut the scrunchie out of my head?" and then I finally fall asleep and I sleep an entire day away and I wake up and it's dark outside so I check the dogs water and check the mail and feed the cat and clean his litter box. Otherwise I am sitting right here. I've had a full tank of gas in my car for 2 weeks now. The same tank of gas.

When I do sleep I'm sleeping on top of my comforter. I don't remember the last time I slept IN my bed. One night I just grabbed a sheet from the hall closet and threw it on top of me as I collapsed into bed. I've been sleeping like that for weeks now. I'm just so tired. Am I going crazy yet?

Friday, March 23, 2007

Peek A Boo!

Well hello again. Update time for everyone. Yes, I know I disappeared again. I know I'm lax in my stalker duties. Everytime I get through a rough spot I think "Well, ok, that's over. NOW I'm done. NOW things are all better and life will be normal again. Yay!" Only, not so much. I never realized how hard depression hits and how often you backslide and how easy it is to do so. But I'm here now! No promises that it's a permanent thing but things are definitely looking up. I actually went on a job interview today with our local energy coop company. I'm really hoping I get it. If I don't get out of the house soon I may have to kill T. Yes, I love him but damn....months of being together 24 hours? Nope. You'd wanna kill him too. Also, the coop is literally 4 stop signs from my house. Niiiiice.

So...hmmm....what's happened since the last post. Well, Bonnie, our female catahoula, slipped her choke chain that kept her in the back yard, went into the front yard and chased a huge truck on the street, bit the tire and got rolled. She's ok now but her left front leg is now useless to her. She took a lot of nerve damage. Luckily the mailman saw it happen, knew who she belonged to and came banging on our door. Gotta love a small town.

So, both of the big dogs in the back have now had accidents involving vehicles. *Sigh* Bonnie no longer has any interest in leaving the back yard, but Clyde gets out everynight still. He just hangs on the front porch and barks if anyone walks by. He's made friends with the new neighbor puppy and visits him all the time. He likes the mailman and doesn't bother him in the morning when he delivers the mail. He doesn't bark if the local neighbors are walking by, but anyone he doesn't know from his routine gets a stern barking. Also, trash. He has picked up a bad trash habit. Ya know how dogs will roam the neighborhood and dig through peoples trash? I could live with that. That's normal. Clyde goes to other peoples houses and brings home ENTIRE bags of trash so he can go through them at his leisure on our front porch. There's nothing like stepping out in the morning and finding baby diapers everywhere. Pleasant thought, no?

Also, you guys have Christina (again) to thank for this here post. She normally has the hubby poke me for her to get my attention. She found a way around that. The mail system is evil. She send me a card that I opened and smiled when I saw it. It's rather pretty.

Then I opened it and laughed until it hurt.

Friends who refuse to give up on you are a pain in the ass and the most awesome thing ever.