Saturday, September 26, 2009

About A Boy

Warning: This is a long post. There is subject matter that may not be safe for work if people read over your shoulder. Also there will be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much personal information involved for some of you. But hey, for me this is sorta like therapy. You've been warned.

On December 14, 2005, I created an account for, and started playing, World of Warcraft (henceforth known as WoW). For those of you unfamiliar with it, it's an online game where millions of people log on and play online. We create and control characters through leveling and questing and friendships are made, broken, grow into relationships and beyond. These friendships cross over into the real world and I know of at least 6 couples who met on WoW, someone moved, they got married, and have children now. In the game people form guilds and in May 2006, I joined a guild called Legacy of Khan. This is where I met The Canadians. I capitalize it because this group of people have been my friends for well over 3 years now and they've seen me at my worst and helped me get through it. So here's the cast as it sits now. Hey, this is my story I can tell it how I want.

Shanna: Exceptionally beautiful and kind Canadian.

Jordan: Shanna's best friend and co-worker at a call center. (Not gonna lie, I sorta had a crush on Jord for a while. I got over it. I was married.)

Joe: Shanna's brother.

Alex: NOT a Canadian but became Shanna's boyfriend and later husband. Lived in Kentucky. He and Shanna are now happily married in Ohio. He's a total hottie.

Rob: Co-worker of Shanna and Jordan.

Now, in game, I went everywhere with these guys. Some days I felt like the little sister following her older sibling and their friends around, even though I am older than these guys. 7 years older than the oldest of them. But these guys became my friends. We talked to each other everyday on a program called Ventrilo that allows you to talk over the internet. Now towards the middle of 2007, I was really getting into my depression, my marriage was a failure, and I was unemployed. I made WoW my life. I left the computer to occasionally sleep, shower when my clothes began to disintegrate, or eat when T demanded food. That was it. Otherwise I was on WoW and talking to these guys. They had no idea how bad things were because on vent I was laughing and joking and lying my ass off about how things were at home. In game we do these things called raids where 10 or 25 players all get together and work on more difficult mobs as a team for better gear. We raided 3 nights a week and I NEVER missed a raid. I lived for them. I let it consume me because it was so much better than what reality had become.

I think back now and all I really remember was WoW and raiding was fun. Reality consisted of fighting and crying. Now y'all, when you're married and having troubles, intimacy tends to fly out the window. My marriage didn't have a WHOLE hell of a lot of intimacy to begin with but honestly at the end when we would argue about the last time we had been intimate it was ridiculous.

Me (usually crying): Why do I stay if you don't want me?
T: But I do want you.
Me: No, you want my cooking and sometimes cleaning.
T: I love you, you're my wife.
Me: No, I'm your roommate! Spouses have sex every once in a while.
T: We do have sex.
Me: ......
T: What?!
Me (usually screaming): We haven't had sex in 5 fucking years!!
T: It's only been 4!

Seriously? Really??? Yeah we could argue about the number of YEARS, people. Not days, week, even months. Years. And honestly I had given up. I no longer wanted the intimacy because I knew I would just lose it again. It never stuck around for long and it hurts worse to have those few moments of what should have been a constant only to have it withheld again and again. So there was no intimacy, we stopped talking, we didn't do things together, we fought about every little thing it seems...yeah my marriage had been over for a long time. I look back and realize now that a lot of my depression was me mourning the death of my marriage. So I hid in WoW. I lived vicariously through The Canadians and existed.

Now around the Summer of 2007, another co-worker of Shanna and Jord's started playing on the same server as us. They helped him level and catch up to us and he started raiding with us. I don't think I ever helped him level any. I believe I was just much too busy raiding to be that helpful to anyone. So into the picture comes Cory. Cory, at the time, was, to me, a friend of theirs. I got along with him and he fit into the group well, but I wasn't really interested in getting to know him. Yes, I was a selfish bitch, I know. Can we move on now? Thanks.

So in game you gain reputation with different factions by doing what are referred to as daily quests. Cory and I started doing dailies together and started talking. He was fun, as flirtatious as me and we have the same sense of humor. Yay! A new friend! He is also a fantastic listener and I found myself opening up about my problems and he listened. He never gave advice, he was just there for me. Now, Cory speaks softly and slowly. He's articulate and thinks before he speaks so at times there's a pause before he responds. I cannot begin to describe how soothing this was to my raw nerves. As soon as I'd hear him say, "Hi there!" I would just relax. It was like slipping into a warm bath after a hard day. He always made me laugh and yeah, in a way I used him. He was the balm I needed during that time. I've already apologized to him for using him. Don't judge me. During this time, Shanna and Alex got engaged. Shanna asked me to be in the wedding. I promised to do everything in my power to make that happen.

By the summer of 2008, I considered Cory to be one of my best friends. He and I discussed anything and everything. Then his computer broke. I no longer had access to him. This...this drove me insane. The game wasn't the same. My refuge was gone. I snapped out of my happy realm and ended up facing reality. It was ugly, y'all. Reality sucked balls. I left T and at the end of 2008 I was staying with Laura and family. One day Rachel told me Cory was back. I had my computer over at the house but I was trying to resist the lure of playing WoW again so I just had her tell him "hi" for me. This lasted for about a week and a half. I missed talking to him. I logged onto vent to talk to him and that was all she wrote. I had my happy place back. I had seriously missed the sound of his voice. I had missed our flirting. He let me talk about things that were going on with T and he always urged me to think about what I truly wanted before making any final decisions. He never once told me to end it. I guess it was around October of last year, a couple of weeks after I had told T that I wanted a divorce, that Rachel (my "sister" via Laura) teased me about liking Cory.

Rachel: Why can't you admit you like him?
Me: Like who??
Rachel: Duh....Cory.
Me: Oh whatever. He's my friend, crackhead.
Rachel: You do so like him!! Your face lights up when you talk to him!
Me: You're retarded. I can't fall for my best friend.
Rachel. That's how it's supposed to work, dumb ass. Your spouse should be your best friend. Besides, you can totally tell he likes you, too.

Then I started thinking about it. I DID like this guy. Well shit. I'm still married, well, legally anyway, and my self image is in the shitter and he LIVES IN CANADA and I live in Texas and.....well shit. I decided that if I was ever going to really live again I was going to have to grow a pair and put myself out there. So I told him. I did too. It was the scariest thing I've ever done. His response? "Interesting...."

Wait....what? No matter, I let it drop. We went back to our flirting. But his flirting took on a new tone. I realize now he was being sneaky and seducing me. Yeah, it worked. Shut up. We both knew I was going to Canada in May for Shanna's wedding and began talking about how cool it was going to be to finally meet our best friend in person and I couldn't wait to give him a hug for having been such an awesome friend through all the shit. In November I moved in with my folks since my dogs and most of my crap was there anyway and began making plans to go back to school. I was ready to get back out in the world but Mom and I were going to Cozumel again in April and I was heading for Canada in May, so getting a job and going to school had to wait until I got back. When I got back to my folks and had all my computer stuff set back up, Mom asked me a question that was probably a bad idea. "I have this web cam I don't use, do you want it?" Hell yeah.

I made Cory go buy one. We began playing online games like cribbage and dominoes and turning on the web cams to talk. We discussed hobbies, books, movies, politics, religion, our childhoods...we put forth a lot of effort getting to know each other better. We talked every day without fail. We spent hours talking, joking, laughing, flirting and playing and it just was never enough time. My nephew started calling him my "Canadian boyfriend." I would yell at him to cut it out because I was still legally married. Yeah, I took my vows pretty damn serious. As it was there were times I felt I had no right to be talking to Cory because I wasn't divorced yet. It was too late. I was pretty damn hooked on him already.

We began really looking forward to May but neither of us wanted to do anything to mess up our friendship. We had a LOT of discussions about what would or would not happen when I got up there. I had already decided I was going to stay a little longer after the wedding to spend time with him and get to know him in person. He seemed pretty keen on this idea. We started out with, "I just wanna meet my friend." It progressed to "The possibility of something happening is there but I won't be divorced yet so hell no." Adultery was so not on the menu, thanks anyway. By the time April rolled around the plan became me getting there the Wednesday before the wedding to spend those days helping Shanna finalize things and then spending a full week up there with him after the wedding. Sex was definitely a possibility. We weren't ruling anything out but we weren't flat out planning on it either. Yes, by then we had planned on him staying at the hotel with me for that week but you never know what will happen once you meet face to face, right?

A week before I flew to Canada, Cory disappeared. He quit logging onto MSN, WoW and Vent. I went into a panic. My thoughts ranged from, "His computer broke again" to "He's changed his mind and doesn't want me and oh shit what have I gotten myself into." My best friend, Pamela, got me through that week. Kudos to her because I was a mess. I believe my end of one our conversations where I was crying went, "What if he doesn't want me and he's changed his mind and I don't know if I even have a hotel room because he's booking it and paying for it and I don't have any way to talk to him and I am such a fucking idiot for falling in love with him and I miss him and....." whoa. Yeah. I said it. I meant it. Especially the fucking idiot part. So by Sunday of the week I was flying out I got desperate. I looked up his mom and stepdad online, got their home number and left him a message with his mom. Oh c'mon! Don't act shocked. I'm a stalker, people!!

He got the message not 2 minutes after I hung up with his mom and he logged into MSN. Yes, I had a place to stay. He had just "gotten busy" that week so hadn't been around. I let it slide. I knew he had been thinking things through but I didn't want to deal with it just then and I knew I planned on making him talk about it while I was up there. So off I fly to Canada. He had promised Shanna to stay away from me until after the wedding because those days belonged to her. I was not amused. I mean, I got to see him that Thursday night because her bachelorette party was guys and girls since, like me, the majority of her close friends are guys. I must admit, I was a smooth and suave individual that night. I was talking to our friend Rob, who I was ever so excited to meet, when I saw Cory walking to us. My face fell and I think I went white. Rob said "Just breathe, you're gonna be ok." I responded, "Am not!! I can't do this."

He was standing below us on the floor of the pool hall so I got brave and walked down the steps, walked over beside him, bumped my shoulder into his and said our standard greeting of, "Oh hi." We smiled at each other and my brain shut off. If anyone spoke to me for that few seconds I didn't hear them. The world went a little gray around the edges, not gonna lie. Yeah, I'm cool as a cucumber. So we all proceeded to the small party room to shoot pool and socialize. It was awesome to get to finally meet these people, but weird as hell seeing people I had only known online for 3 years. I spent the night trying not to be obvious in my drooling over Cory. Cory spent the night walking up behind me and running his hand along my neck, my lower back, down my arm or, when we were sitting, along the side of my leg. I jumped every time he touched me. I think I squeaked a couple of times. Yep! Suave, that's me. He spent the evening being seductive. I spent the night jumping at shadows. I handle romance so well.

At the end of the night we were all standing in the parking lot and with out me getting any say in the matter, it was decided that Cory was driving me back to the hotel. Lemme tell ya, this did NOT calm my nerves. We got into the car and he hands me a sack with something in it and says I can't look at it until after he's dropped me off. We stopped so I could grab some bottled water for the room and then he took me back. We sat in the parking lot and talked for a bit when he got this devilish grin on his face and said, "Ok, look in the bag. I wanna see your reaction."

Now for a little back story. Back in February for Valentine's Day, I got the best freaking gift ever. Cory sent me an invite to start viewing his web cam. I accept said invite and as soon as it shows up, he's standing there, comPLETEly nude holding a heart shaped box in front of him in a very strategic manner. I laughed until I cried. Best Valentine's Day I've ever had.

So inside this bag he's given me is the heart shaped box he had held up that day. I laughed all over again. In my roaring laughter I realized there's something in the box. It's not supposed to rattle. I open the box and it's full of condoms. Ya gotta hand it to him, he's creative as hell. So I get out and head up to my room with my now box o' condoms and he heads home. He held true to his word to Shanna and I didn't see him again until Saturday at the wedding. He went with us for the picture taking. He stopped and got bottled water for me. He stayed at my side and was a perfect gentleman the whole time.

We get to the reception and I am warned, "The wedding protection promise is wearing off. Wedding stuff almost over." This scared me a bit. Cory comes up to the bridal table where I'm seated several times and runs his hand over my neck, scaring the shit out of me and making me squeak. The table he was sitting at held him and 2 of my other friends so they enjoyed his teasing as well. This game did not seem get old for them. As soon as dinner was over and I felt free of my bridesmaid obligations, I headed for the fun table. Not to say that the bridal table wasn't fun, because it was, but it's just not where I wanted to be for some reason. Hmmm. Luckily the bride understood and was surprised I had stayed as long as I had. The rest of the evening may has well be titled, "The Seduction of Angie" because he spent the rest of the night driving me insane. Planting small kisses down my arm, across my neck, holding my hand and playing with my fingers, running his hand along my exposed back. He's good. I gotta give him that.

At this point all I will say is he came back to the room with me and helped get the 45 bobby pins out of my hair for the oddity that was my up do for the wedding and then he spent the rest of my stay in Canada with me. It was, without a doubt, the most amazing week of my life. Sunday we had brunch with the newlyweds and our other friends and went to a movie with them. Tuesday we only left the room long enough to walk the block to Tim Horton's for coffee and take a short walk. We weren't even gone for 2 hours. He drove me around to places that were beautiful and places that held meaning for him. I took a thousand pictures. I met his family and we watched movies in the basement cuddled on the couch, snuggled under a blanket. We slept in each others arms and professed our love for each other.

We both cried when I left. We still talk every day without fail. Plans are being made for him to move down here to be with me. He's supporting my decisions about school and wants to help me make it happen. He's excited about the turns my life has taken. We have the same sense of humor. We like the same things for hobbies. He understands my need for yarn. He knows how to cook. Seriously! I love this guy! How could I not? So yes, out of pain and tragedy I have found love again. When I thought my life was over due to divorce I realized it's just beginning again. I'm starting over fresh. Have I had my doubts? Of course I have. At first I doubted my feelings. I doubted the timing. I have fears about the future. I never once doubted his love for me. So, without further ado, meet Cory.

You'll be hearing a lot about him, I'm sure.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Wait....Another Post?? Whoa,...

I know! I'm like a mad woman here with another post within the same month and shit. I am a bit afraid, however, that this blog may turn into a bitch fest about whatever current instructor I have that likes to write notes on the board, turn around to discuss them and stand IN FRONT of said notes then get pissy because you didn't write them down. Hello!! MOVE! Gawd! He also misspells key medical terms and says bullshit like, "That's the British spelling." Jerkface. Medical terms are based on Latin and Greek. They are spelled the same around the world. Your dumb ass just can't spell. And another thing! He got mad at us for not knowing a disease he didn't cover with us. What?? He thought he covered it, but he didn't, and because we didn't know it he called US dumb. Seriously? Look Professor Fuckerpants, don't get mad at us because you come to class ill prepared and can't give us notes in any comprehensible order. But seriously y'all, I'll do my best not to let this turn into that sort of blog. Just let me know if I start failing, okay?

So I'm trying to decide between 2 posts because they sort of tie into each other but doing both stories at once would make for a hella long post. The question is, would you guys rather hear about the Canada trip? OR Do you wanna know the low down, nitty gritty on Cory? Yeah, there's a guy. He's my best friend. Has been for a few years now. He's crafty, y'all. He's tried knitting and crochet, cross stitch, quilting and does woodworking. CRAFTY. He designs things. I knit him a hat and crocheted a scarf for his birthday and he got a little teary eyed because I MADE him something instead of just going and buying something. Yeah, he's a keeper. But enough on him for now or this will just turn into the Cory post, and I have to go study for 2 tests today. After next week I learn how to give shots. I'm gonna be sticking needles into people. *SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!* I'm such a dork.

P.S. Thanks to all of you that commented and/or sent emails. Knowing that you care helps heal scars. It may not seem like much but for people who have gone through depression, knowing they were missed and receiving a kind word means the world. I've missed you guys.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Is This Thing On?

Wow. So....hi there! I highly doubt anyone will actually read this, but for those of you still clinging to the possibility that I might post again some day, here it is! I'm thinking about restarting the blog but I'm not making any promises. I just felt you guys deserved an explanation of just where in the hell I dropped off to. So, be prepared for a rather long post with possible follow up posts until the story is told. It's a doozy, y'all.

So that depression thing? Yeah, it turned into severe depression with anxiety, panic attacks every time I left the house, severe suicidal tendencies..the whole kit 'n' kaboodle! Cuz, when I do something I go all out. No messing around, no sirree bob. Not this girl. By golly, if I'm gonna be depressed I'm gonna be close to being institutionalized! *Ahem* So, yeah. Hmmm....Let's go back to when I thought I was better. I was better. For a couple of weeks. I did amazingly well for a couple of weeks. Then it all just seemed to come crashing down on me again. I honestly don't remember what all happened. I have almost 2 years that are a complete blur to me. Seems that happens when you aren't really living life, just existing day to day. I did a lot of hiding in World of Warcraft. I still play, but mostly out of boredom and....well, we'll get to the other reason a little later, shall we?

So, I played a lot of WoW. I slept when I couldn't stay awake any longer, ate when I just simply had to or go into a diabetic coma and played WoW. That was my "life" for over a year. The ONLY people I talked to were my online WoW friends because they had little to no idea who I really was or what my life was like. It was a safe haven to hide in. My health was in the crapper, T's health was in the crapper, our house looked like a crapper and I didn't wanna fix it. I was tired of fixing things. I was pretty well tired of everything. I didn't want to talk about it. I sure as shit didn't want anyone to KNOW what was going on. I didn't even talk to my folks during this time. God forbid anyone should know what a failure at life I was. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not a failure, but oh damn did I ever feel like one.

See, the Bell's Palsy (see last post made before I came out of hiding THIS time) didn't send me deeper into my depression. What DID was me sugar coating what happened during that time. See, the story I posted is the pretty version of what happened. I did that a lot. What happened, if you read between the lines, is I thought I was having a stroke. My husband dropped me off at the door of the emergency room. He never even turned off the car. Didn't escort me in. Didn't stay to make sure I could cope with this. He dropped me off scared to death. I didn't see him again for a couple of hours and that was after they had transferred me. My parents, driving MUCH further than him, got to me before he did. The three days I was in the hospital getting tests done? He came to see me once and that was because I begged him to bring me yarn so I'd have something to work on and a change of clothes. When he came to pick me up from the hospital I felt like it was an inconvenience. Those if you who have spent any time in a hospital know how long it takes for them to discharge you. He was angry because he had to wait. I honestly felt he didn't give a two bit shit about me anymore. Whatever it was we had left at this point, it was not a marriage. I just kind of fell further from there.

I began having panic attacks every time I left the house, or the phone rang, or the doorbell rang. I could not handle reality poking it's head into my ugly little world. I realize now that the panic attacks when I left the house were because I might have seen someone who knew me. They'd ask me how I was. I wasn't sure I could lie anymore. I knew my face couldn't. T was pressuring me to find SOMETHING that made me happy even a little bit. He bought pots for me to paint thinking that would help. I went through the motions but it's hard to be creative when you're to that point. Crocheting and knitting was just a reminder of everything I thought I had lost. He told me I should find a job to get out of the house and maybe that would help. I went on one interview, shook like a junkie the entire time and had to pull over and vomit on the way home. I just couldn't do it. To top it off, T had informed me around the beginning of 2008 that he was not just hearing voices, but communicating with entities with his mind. I will not say what entities because it's a moot point. Trying to talk to your husband and watching his eyes go vacant because he's hearing someone else? Then he chuckles at something you didn't say? Yeah.....couldn't handle that either.

So I guess it was around June, 2008, that all this came to a boiling point. And by boiling point I mean I was sitting on our love seat alone, he was out in his office, and I was crying. Sobbing to be exact, because I was holding a loaded .38 revolver loaded with hollow point bullets, safety off and I was oh so very seriously considering painting my walls red, white and chunky instead of the fresh white they were. Hey, it's my suicide I can joke if I want to. What kept me from doing it was all the faces of the people I had stopped talking to. Friends and family that loved me and would be devastated by my cowardice. So I put the safety on, unloaded the gun, put it back where T had so carefully hidden it and told no one. About a week or two later the realization hit me; I didn't want out of my life. I wanted out of my marriage.

I needed time away to pull myself together. I needed to fix what was wrong with me before I could even consider fixing my marriage or my husband and his issues. So I went to visit Laura/Mom. I told her everything. I went to visit my folks. I told them everything. A week later, at the end of July, I left. I cried the entire time. T never had a clue until I went out to the office and packed up my computer out there and told him. By that time I had all of my stuff out of the house. I got to my parent's house that night, buried my face into a pillow and I cried. I screamed. I ran to the bathroom and threw up repeatedly. Then I cried and screamed some more. The next morning my face was so swollen I could barely open my eyes. I spent most of that day on my anxiety meds, pain meds and kept ice on my face to bring the swelling down. It was, without a doubt, the most miserable 48 hours of my life.

I honestly just wanted time. Time to figure out what I wanted, time to figure out where I wanted my life to go, time to figure out what I was going to do with my life. I didn't get that time. T insisted on knowing how MUCH time I needed. When was I coming home? Why was I doing this to him? What in the hell was I thinking? None of which I had the answers for. How do you put a time limit on pulling yourself together? All we did was fight and scream at each other on the phone. He kept asking me if there was someone else. He would rather think I was cheating on him than to face the issues we had. The issues I had. In September I told him I was done trying. I wanted a divorce. It was devastating.

I slowly started gaining control back over my own life. 2008 was pretty much a complete wash. I didn't come even CLOSE to pulling my shit together until the beginning of 2009. In February of 2009 my mother threatened to kick my ass if I didn't get out of the sweat pants I was living in. In April of 2009, my mom and I spent another week in Cozumel, Mexico. It was the most relaxed I've been in years. In May of this year, I spent the most amazing 10 days in Kingston, Ontario, Canada. Y'all, Canadians have it made. (If you love me, bring me Tim Horton's coffee, k? Extra large, 4x4, sweetener and creamer. Thanks!) I was worried about the Canada trip because I was meeting people I had only known online (granted for 4 years now) and I was in a wedding for one of these people, PLUS it was the first time I was going to have to be truly social since all the depression crap started. I never had any sort of panic or anxiety. In fact, I haven't had a panic or anxiety attack since the day I left that house. Please, please don't get me wrong. I am so not blaming T for our marriage falling apart. It took both of us to royally fuck that up. No one person can be that detrimental to a relationship. No way. I promise I'll discuss the Canada trip at another time, cuz ya'll....seriously that was an AMAZING week for so many reasons.

Anywho, once I got back from Canada, I made a really fast decision about my future and decided to follow my dream of going into the medical field. I'm in my 4th month of school. I'll be graduating next April as a Medical Assistant. I am currently maintaining a 4.0 average and once I graduate, I'll be working and going back to school again. Deciding between nursing (my forever ago dream) or becoming an ultrasound technician. As of June 12th my divorce was final and I am a single woman again. Well, sort of, but that's also a story for another time. Am I out of my depression? Who the fuck knows. How the hell can you tell? I may never say I'm out of my depression again. That just seems to piss it off and bring it back with a vengeance!

What I do know is that I'm happy. I'm happy with my life as it is. I'm happy with the direction I'm heading. I'm happy with the choices I'm making. I'm excited about my future and what it holds. I still cry when I talk to T. I still cry when I think about my marriage failing so badly. But it's not every day. It's not even every week. And I don't wallow in it. I get a little teary eyed and realize that this is what's best for me. I'm finally taking care of me and it feels good, and it feels right. I'm a lot calmer now than I used to be. I think I may have been just a smidge manic at times during my depression, but these days I don't get that way. I'm on a pretty even keel. you guys been?