Sunday, October 21, 2007

It's an update!

Seriously! I know. I'm an awful blogger. I'm an even worse stalker, but I'll beat myself up about it later. So, it's been a really craptastic year. Yay! Maybe it's over! *giggle* I know, I've said that before. Here's the deal. Depression sucks ass. Honestly. I promise. See, when you're normal and semi happy and life goes on, you're at a certain point on the happiness scale.

Now, this tips up into the happy range as it should, but individual results may vary. When depression hits you, you slam down into that bottom box and you float around there in that black box for a while.

Now, the problem with depression is that area between depression and life is ok. See, when you start climbing into that box, you don't realize that it exists! You think, "Yay! I'm in my good box!" only you aren't. You are here.

Now, this crazy box and the depression box are where I've pretty much spent the last year. I hate this area. This area is misleading. That's right, you heard me, crazy box. I'm totally onto you, dude. You make me think it's ok when it's really not and I think I'm back to my old self and I'm still not and you suck. Anyway, who wants to know where I am now? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on? Oh, hi! There you are. Here's my scale, folks!

Yep, I am coping! I dare say, I've even landed in happy a few times over the last few weeks. What, you may ask, has brought about this red block/arrow goodness? Near death scares will do WONDERS for your attitude. They really will. Allow me to e'splain.

Timeline: Thursday, October 11th at approx. 11:30 pm.

Lead in: Hubby and I have watched a movie together and eaten Chinese food that was hot enough to strip the top 3 layers of skin off your tongue. I am in the computer room (shocker, I know) playing WoW and talking on vent. My face, feels weird.

Conversation Topic: My face.

Me in vent to WoW folks: face has gone all weird.

Guys: "Your face is retarded." "We've known this about you." "And?.."

Me IVTWF: Shut up. I hate you guys. BRB.

Me to T: Baby, there's something wrong with my face.

T: You finally noticed?

Me: Shut up. I hate you. I'm serious, look.

T: What the hell is wrong with your face??

Me (looking in mirror): Ok, this is bad. The right side of my mouth isn't moving. We have to go to the emergency room.

T: We don't have insurance, dear. Plus, it's probably just a reaction to the Chinese food.

Me: Food reactions don't paralyze your face. Stop being retarded. What if I'm having a stroke?

T: You're over reacting.

Me: Do you wanna drive? Cuz I am going. Fuck insurance. My face is broken.

T: *sigh* Fine.

So off we go to the emergency room all of 5 mins away. I am kinda getting scared at this point. T realizes it's late, and we just left the house windows all open. He goes back to close up and in I go.

Me to Chick at Window: Hi, I need you to take me seriously cuz I'm getting scared. The right side of mouth isn't working and I know that's a sign of a stroke.

Chick at Window: Please go sit down in that chair right there and don't move.

C.a.W. proceeds to run in the back like her ass is on fire. Comforting. NOT!

Now, five (yes,5) nurse come running out of the back with a wheelchair, an I.V. line to stab me with and all other sorts of implements of torture. They are checking pupils, asking me to smile as big as I can and asking me 10 different questions each. All while putting me into a wheelchair, starting an I.V. and wheeling me into the back. Multi-tasking at it's finest. Then they call the hubby to let him know that, "why yes, it could be a stroke and we're moving her here and please bring all of her meds up here for us then you can go to your wife in a totally different city, thanks!"

T calls my folks, who live 45 mins away. T calls Mom (you know the one.) to let her know as well. I honestly don't remember who got to the hospital first. I just feel sorry for anyone on the roads in the way. So, 4 days in the hospital, an ass load of tests that seemed to consist of lots of my blood and shoving my little round body into even smaller round tubes over and over to scan for a brain. They found one. *whew*

I now have Bell's Palsy. Look it up. This is a long post and it's wearing me out. I'm too damn lazy to link it. It's much better than having had a stroke. I promise.

T is afraid that having my face broken is gonna send me deeper into the depression. Only, no, not so much. There is nothing like having something this big fall in your lap to give you that shot in the ass you need to wake up and realize life is worth living. I can handle stress but it sets off the Bell's Palsy so I'm just not letting things get to me. I quit smoking. I was in the hospital for 4 days with no cigs. Might as well, right? T screams at the game he plays and it causes me to shut down. T spends most of his day out in his office now away from me. This...this has made the biggest difference. I love my husband, but damn that man is annoying. I can play music as loud as I want, and I do. I can sing and dance around the house while cleaning or crocheting, and I do. I get dressed every morning cuz the steroids I'm on have me hyper so if I feel the need to get out, I do. T and I have gone walking every day together and we're enjoying it.

I just found out on Friday that I was approved for a state funded school program with a local junior college. I'm going back to school. I'm planning on taking accounting. Good money, I love math and it's something I can do from home in the future if I need to. I've decided to live my life how I want to. I've decided to do the things I really want to do. Hitch a ride folks. Everyone is invited but if you don't hold on, you may get left behind.


Jennu said...

Angie! Missed you!

I'm glad that you're taing the Bell's in stride and congrats on school!

Shari said...

Wow Angie! It was great to hear from you. I am sorry to hear about the Bell's Palsy but congrats on the rest--on quitting smoking and walking every day and most of all going back to school--it sounds like a great plan and I wish you all the best of luck, honey!

Anonymous said...

so happy to hear from you - sorry about the Bell's - and I'm happy to hear that you are going back to school - I hope that things can only get better from here :-)

Plum Texan said...

Welcome back! You sure have been missed. I'm glad things are improving for you.

Hope you enjoy school...and that we see you more often... :)

Anonymous said...

So glad you're back. Sounds like things are looking better. Hang in there, so many of us care about you. Jennifer in Oak Park

Sugar Britches Knits! said...

Yea! I keep hoping every day as I scan down my bloglines for the extra fun blogs to read first...and HERE YOU ARE!

I am so glad to hear you are inching your way up the boxes and I do hope you feel like posting more!

Lee Ann said...

Um, dude? I can attest that Bell's Palsy is way better than having a stroke. And I'm so proud of you for taking this direction toward the preferable of the two crazy boxes. Delusional works for me. Also, loud music and crazy dancing and not having to be in the same office as my husband.

You're awesome, Angie. :-)

Angie said...

Good to hear from you! I've just recently suffered a teenie tiny bought with depression and MAN, it was awful and it didn't even last that long. Glad to hear that you are climbing out of the tunnel and hope your improvements continue. YOU.GO.GIRL! You got the stuff!!!

chris said...

Sheesh, girl, it's SO! GOOD! to see a post from you! You were on my mind just the other day, actually.

I'm sorry to hear about the Bell's Palsy, but as was said, it could be so much worse. And I'm glad to hear that your happiness scale is back on the upswing . . . I've been worried about youuuuu!

p.s. Do you still have my cell #? Gimme a call if you do.

kmkat said...

Wow, I am glad to see you are still with us! Bell's palsy is, iirc, not a permanent condition. Unlike a stroke, which could be. Anyway, congrats on the stopping smoking and climbing into The Other Box and going back to school. As a CPA, I can attest (hah! an accounting joke!) that accounting is a dandy career and one pretty much guarandamnteed to provide as much employment as you want.

Speaking of quitting smoking, have you ever read Stephen Fry's blog? His latest post is about addictions and the giving up thereof. He's an intelligent and entertaining writer:

Roladie said...

Been there without the insurance in the ER. Scarry I know! *hugs!* I LOVE your depression/happyness chart! It's great! I might put it up at work. I am soooooooooooooooo mightally glad you are back on, even if it is only once every 6 months! You do what you need to, we will wait! You are worth waiting for.

Hickory said...

Good to see you back! Keep up the positive attitude, I swear that's half the battle.

Christina said...

You posted? On your own? *falls over*

Good to see you again! Stay with us this time ;) And come chat with me on IM.

Anonymous said...

Bells Palsy!?! That's one of the best diagnosis' I've heard of in quite a while (considering the possibilities). I've missed you like crazy and was super happy to see a new post when I checked my favorite blogs today. Good on you!

Megs said...

So. i found you after you stalked the Yarn Harlot a while back. Just decided to google for you today for kicks. Sorry to hear about the Bell's and glad it's not permanent. But why am i really commenting??
BECAUSE - OH MY GOD - YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CRAZY BOX!!! i've spent this last year in the damned crazy box, and i am SO GLAD to find somebody who can perfectly describe (and acknowledge) it. Thank you. *hugs*
And CONGRATS on school!!! i'm thinking about accounting myself.

eclair said...

I'm so glad you are posting again! Welcome back. My man is very annoying too, I escape to my car (okay, it's the school run but it still counts), wind down the windows and sing very loudly to 80's disco tunes. It makes me happy. I love your crazy box. I spend a lot of time there!

Congratulations on going back to school. I did that too and it was the best move I ever made.

(Just to repeat myself, I'm so glad you're back!)

BigAlice said...

It's so good to hear from you and that you're up past the crazy area. Your happiness scale is awesome.

And, uh, yay for Bell's Palsy and not a stroke. Yikes. My Dad got that, he's completely better now.

Good luck with the school thing, I know you will kick ass. Oh yes.

Anonymous said...

That's a great attitude. This is the only life we have, so do what you want to live it to the fullest! Hell of a way to figure that out, though. So happy to hear you are digging out of the depression and getting back to happy. May you have many happy days.

Joan in Reno

Sunflowerfairy said...

Great attitude.

Do they know what the bell's palsy is from??

My best friend got it before being diagnosed with Lyme's disease. After being on prescriptions for awhile it went away.

Good to see you back. You were missed.

Carol said...

I thought you gave up the blog. Hope you're doing OK! Just wishing you a Happy New Year :)