Sunday, October 21, 2007

It's an update!

Seriously! I know. I'm an awful blogger. I'm an even worse stalker, but I'll beat myself up about it later. So, it's been a really craptastic year. Yay! Maybe it's over! *giggle* I know, I've said that before. Here's the deal. Depression sucks ass. Honestly. I promise. See, when you're normal and semi happy and life goes on, you're at a certain point on the happiness scale.

Now, this tips up into the happy range as it should, but individual results may vary. When depression hits you, you slam down into that bottom box and you float around there in that black box for a while.

Now, the problem with depression is that area between depression and life is ok. See, when you start climbing into that box, you don't realize that it exists! You think, "Yay! I'm in my good box!" only you aren't. You are here.

Now, this crazy box and the depression box are where I've pretty much spent the last year. I hate this area. This area is misleading. That's right, you heard me, crazy box. I'm totally onto you, dude. You make me think it's ok when it's really not and I think I'm back to my old self and I'm still not and you suck. Anyway, who wants to know where I am now? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on? Oh, hi! There you are. Here's my scale, folks!

Yep, I am coping! I dare say, I've even landed in happy a few times over the last few weeks. What, you may ask, has brought about this red block/arrow goodness? Near death scares will do WONDERS for your attitude. They really will. Allow me to e'splain.

Timeline: Thursday, October 11th at approx. 11:30 pm.

Lead in: Hubby and I have watched a movie together and eaten Chinese food that was hot enough to strip the top 3 layers of skin off your tongue. I am in the computer room (shocker, I know) playing WoW and talking on vent. My face, feels weird.

Conversation Topic: My face.

Me in vent to WoW folks: face has gone all weird.

Guys: "Your face is retarded." "We've known this about you." "And?.."

Me IVTWF: Shut up. I hate you guys. BRB.

Me to T: Baby, there's something wrong with my face.

T: You finally noticed?

Me: Shut up. I hate you. I'm serious, look.

T: What the hell is wrong with your face??

Me (looking in mirror): Ok, this is bad. The right side of my mouth isn't moving. We have to go to the emergency room.

T: We don't have insurance, dear. Plus, it's probably just a reaction to the Chinese food.

Me: Food reactions don't paralyze your face. Stop being retarded. What if I'm having a stroke?

T: You're over reacting.

Me: Do you wanna drive? Cuz I am going. Fuck insurance. My face is broken.

T: *sigh* Fine.

So off we go to the emergency room all of 5 mins away. I am kinda getting scared at this point. T realizes it's late, and we just left the house windows all open. He goes back to close up and in I go.

Me to Chick at Window: Hi, I need you to take me seriously cuz I'm getting scared. The right side of mouth isn't working and I know that's a sign of a stroke.

Chick at Window: Please go sit down in that chair right there and don't move.

C.a.W. proceeds to run in the back like her ass is on fire. Comforting. NOT!

Now, five (yes,5) nurse come running out of the back with a wheelchair, an I.V. line to stab me with and all other sorts of implements of torture. They are checking pupils, asking me to smile as big as I can and asking me 10 different questions each. All while putting me into a wheelchair, starting an I.V. and wheeling me into the back. Multi-tasking at it's finest. Then they call the hubby to let him know that, "why yes, it could be a stroke and we're moving her here and please bring all of her meds up here for us then you can go to your wife in a totally different city, thanks!"

T calls my folks, who live 45 mins away. T calls Mom (you know the one.) to let her know as well. I honestly don't remember who got to the hospital first. I just feel sorry for anyone on the roads in the way. So, 4 days in the hospital, an ass load of tests that seemed to consist of lots of my blood and shoving my little round body into even smaller round tubes over and over to scan for a brain. They found one. *whew*

I now have Bell's Palsy. Look it up. This is a long post and it's wearing me out. I'm too damn lazy to link it. It's much better than having had a stroke. I promise.

T is afraid that having my face broken is gonna send me deeper into the depression. Only, no, not so much. There is nothing like having something this big fall in your lap to give you that shot in the ass you need to wake up and realize life is worth living. I can handle stress but it sets off the Bell's Palsy so I'm just not letting things get to me. I quit smoking. I was in the hospital for 4 days with no cigs. Might as well, right? T screams at the game he plays and it causes me to shut down. T spends most of his day out in his office now away from me. This...this has made the biggest difference. I love my husband, but damn that man is annoying. I can play music as loud as I want, and I do. I can sing and dance around the house while cleaning or crocheting, and I do. I get dressed every morning cuz the steroids I'm on have me hyper so if I feel the need to get out, I do. T and I have gone walking every day together and we're enjoying it.

I just found out on Friday that I was approved for a state funded school program with a local junior college. I'm going back to school. I'm planning on taking accounting. Good money, I love math and it's something I can do from home in the future if I need to. I've decided to live my life how I want to. I've decided to do the things I really want to do. Hitch a ride folks. Everyone is invited but if you don't hold on, you may get left behind.