It's an update!

Seriously! I know. I'm an awful blogger. I'm an even worse stalker, but I'll beat myself up about it later. So, it's been a really craptastic year. Yay! Maybe it's over! *giggle* I know, I've said that before. Here's the deal. Depression sucks ass. Honestly. I promise. See, when you're normal and semi happy and life goes on, you're at a certain point on the happiness scale.

Now, this tips up into the happy range as it should, but individual results may vary. When depression hits you, you slam down into that bottom box and you float around there in that black box for a while.


Now, the problem with depression is that area between depression and life is ok. See, when you start climbing into that box, you don't realize that it exists! You think, "Yay! I'm in my good box!" only you aren't. You are here.


Now, this crazy box and the depression box are where I've pretty much spent the last year. I hate this area. This area is misleading. That's right, you heard me, crazy box. I'm totally onto you, dude. You make me think it's ok when it's really not and I think I'm back to my old self and I'm still not and you suck. Anyway, who wants to know where I am now? Anyone? Hello? Is this thing on? Oh, hi! There you are. Here's my scale, folks!


Yep, I am coping! I dare say, I've even landed in happy a few times over the last few weeks. What, you may ask, has brought about this red block/arrow goodness? Near death scares will do WONDERS for your attitude. They really will. Allow me to e'splain.

Timeline: Thursday, October 11th at approx. 11:30 pm.

Lead in: Hubby and I have watched a movie together and eaten Chinese food that was hot enough to strip the top 3 layers of skin off your tongue. I am in the computer room (shocker, I know) playing WoW and talking on vent. My face, feels weird.

Conversation Topic: My face.

Me in vent to WoW folks: Hmm...my face has gone all weird.

Guys: "Your face is retarded." "We've known this about you." "And?.."

Me IVTWF: Shut up. I hate you guys. BRB.

Me to T: Baby, there's something wrong with my face.

T: You finally noticed?

Me: Shut up. I hate you. I'm serious, look.

T: What the hell is wrong with your face??

Me (looking in mirror): Ok, this is bad. The right side of my mouth isn't moving. We have to go to the emergency room.

T: We don't have insurance, dear. Plus, it's probably just a reaction to the Chinese food.

Me: Food reactions don't paralyze your face. Stop being retarded. What if I'm having a stroke?

T: You're over reacting.

Me: Do you wanna drive? Cuz I am going. Fuck insurance. My face is broken.

T: *sigh* Fine.

So off we go to the emergency room all of 5 mins away. I am kinda getting scared at this point. T realizes it's late, and we just left the house windows all open. He goes back to close up and in I go.

Me to Chick at Window: Hi, I need you to take me seriously cuz I'm getting scared. The right side of mouth isn't working and I know that's a sign of a stroke.

Chick at Window: Please go sit down in that chair right there and don't move.

C.a.W. proceeds to run in the back like her ass is on fire. Comforting. NOT!

Now, five (yes,5) nurse come running out of the back with a wheelchair, an I.V. line to stab me with and all other sorts of implements of torture. They are checking pupils, asking me to smile as big as I can and asking me 10 different questions each. All while putting me into a wheelchair, starting an I.V. and wheeling me into the back. Multi-tasking at it's finest. Then they call the hubby to let him know that, "why yes, it could be a stroke and we're moving her here and please bring all of her meds up here for us then you can go to your wife in a totally different city, thanks!"

T calls my folks, who live 45 mins away. T calls Mom (you know the one.) to let her know as well. I honestly don't remember who got to the hospital first. I just feel sorry for anyone on the roads in the way. So, 4 days in the hospital, an ass load of tests that seemed to consist of lots of my blood and shoving my little round body into even smaller round tubes over and over to scan for a brain. They found one. *whew*

I now have Bell's Palsy. Look it up. This is a long post and it's wearing me out. I'm too damn lazy to link it. It's much better than having had a stroke. I promise.

T is afraid that having my face broken is gonna send me deeper into the depression. Only, no, not so much. There is nothing like having something this big fall in your lap to give you that shot in the ass you need to wake up and realize life is worth living. I can handle stress but it sets off the Bell's Palsy so I'm just not letting things get to me. I quit smoking. I was in the hospital for 4 days with no cigs. Might as well, right? T screams at the game he plays and it causes me to shut down. T spends most of his day out in his office now away from me. This...this has made the biggest difference. I love my husband, but damn that man is annoying. I can play music as loud as I want, and I do. I can sing and dance around the house while cleaning or crocheting, and I do. I get dressed every morning cuz the steroids I'm on have me hyper so if I feel the need to get out, I do. T and I have gone walking every day together and we're enjoying it.

I just found out on Friday that I was approved for a state funded school program with a local junior college. I'm going back to school. I'm planning on taking accounting. Good money, I love math and it's something I can do from home in the future if I need to. I've decided to live my life how I want to. I've decided to do the things I really want to do. Hitch a ride folks. Everyone is invited but if you don't hold on, you may get left behind.

Happy Birthday, Christina!!

Props to Christina who is taking time out on her birthday to get me posting again.

Hope you get everything you want today.

Thirty-Five

I figure we should have a post for April. At least one. Hell, there might be two! I know! Hold onto your bobby socks for the excitement never ends here. First off I wanted to say thank you for all of the support you guys have given me. The comments, the e-mails, the e-cards...you guys are awesome. For those of you who wanted me to get help, I've actually been on depression meds since October of 2006. I recently switched meds and they have been helping a lot, it's just easy to slide back into a slump. I have also been seeing a physchologist for the same amount of time so I do have someone to talk to. She lets me call her anytime I'm feeling way past the point of no return so that's a huge help.

You guys are gonna love this one. After I wrote the last post things definitely changed for the better. I got up, got in the shower, actaully washed my hair (the combing took 45 minutes. We won't be discussing that again, k? Thx) and loaded up the car to head to Mom's. You know the mom I mean. Her second oldest son is diabetic. I can't hide shit from her. She took one look at me and started the nagging. She made me eat. She made me sleep. She made me regulate my sleeping pattern. She's such a cold hearted woman. God bless her. I'm on a normal sleeping pattern of going to bed by 2 am, sometimes earlier and up between 9 and 9:30 am. I relax through my first cup of coffee and when I go back for my second one, I leave the cup on the counter and go get dressed for the day. Get my second cup of coffee and wake up further. Have I mentioned I suck at waking up? I do. Nobody talks to me for the first hour I'm awake. My brain no worky yet.

Yes, I drink too much damn coffee for my own good, but going for coffee gets me up and moving. That's the key. Hubby helped me figure it out. He's awesome. So, since I get up for coffee here's the pattern. Get up, set cup on counter, wash a sink load of dishes. Go back with coffee. Get up, set cup on counter, put away dry dishes, go back with coffee. Get up, set cup on counter, sweep the floor, or more dishes, or start laundry, or switch laundry or whatever. I go outside at least twice a day. Once to always check the mail and stop and enjoy the sunshine or listen to the rain or just listen to the wind in the trees. I make myself stop and enjoy the day for what it is. The other time I got out every day is to see Bonnie and Clyde out back. T spends lots of time with them but I never did like backyards much. I'm a front porch kinda gal. So, outside is good.

I also leave the house at least twice a week. I go look at the little shops downtown or just head to Wal-Mart to browse around for 30 minutes to an hour. It's out. It's progress. Also, I have clean spoons people! And plates! And pots and pans! It's kinda nice. I'm cooking again since there's more eating now. I'm finding healthy things to cook and eating more salads again. Also, once you start eating? You stay hungry. What the hell? Before I wasn't eating and I had no appetite. I just wasn't hungry. Then I went to Mom's and she had me eating and I swear I am hungry all the damn time now.

So yesterday was my birthday. Daddy called and sent me pink, potted hydrangeas. Momma called and sent me an e-card. Mom called and little bro and sis told me happy b-day. Sachi sent me an email. My best friend from high school sent me an e-card. All in all, a pretty damn good day, folks. 35 may turn out to be a damn good year. Things have been looking up the last few weeks and I like the trend. Do I think the depression is over? Not by a long shot. Do I think I won't end up back in a slump? Hell no. But I am trying. I am making little changes and trying to keep up a routine. I'm looking for a job and sending in the resume. Hell, I even bought a new quilt set for my bed so the bedroom would be brighter. More Spring-y. It makes a difference.

Funny story before I head off. Yeah I know, long ass post, huh. So the week of Easter my brother and his family came in from California. T and I went down for a day and my other brother joined us all at a restaurant for dinner. 10 people make quite a crowd. So anyway, after dinner we were all talking in the parking lot and joking around.

Small side story: My dad collects aluminum cans for recycling. He's a fanatic about it. He stops on the side of the road all the time for cans. It's like a passion for him. Wierd, but ok. I would stop for yarn.

To continue, in the parking lot of said restaurant was a soda can. My dad was already sitting in his car so he asked T to grab it for him. There was the typical family teasing about my dad's obsession with cans. Dad, T and both nephews are in the car to head back to the house. The rest of us rode with mom. So as the rest of us are still standing there talking, dad starts to drive off. We're watching them drive away of course and all of a sudden the soda can mentioned previously comes flying out of the back window. We lost it. Then dad hits the brakes and nephew has to get out of the car to retrieve said can. He's laughing so hard he can hardly stand up. Over all the laughing we can still hear daddy yelling "What the hell is wrong with you? Get that can, son!" This sends us laughing even harder. Oldest Brother actually sits on the ground he is laughing so hard. I can hear T laughing in the car. I thought momma was gonna hurt herself. T and I discuss said tom-foolery on the way home and I had to pull over from driving as T tells me he was the one whole stole the can out of the cup holder in the car, passed it back to my nephew and convinced him to throw it out. I still laugh at the image of the brake lights coming on for daddy's can. Good times. Good times.

In parting I leave you with pictures. I know! Yay!

Tinker likes the new quilt, too.




Tinker's favorite spot is in my kitchen window. Ahhh, signs of Spring.

Yes the fan is holding the window open. Told you it was an old house.

My birthday present from Daddy.

Plant is up on a shelf to keep away from Tinker who has already knocked it off the table which is why I have pink hydrangeas in the window of my kitchen. This is why his name is Tinker. He tinkers with everything. Eh-vah-ree-thing.

Also if you enlarge the photo to see the plaque on the wall to the right of the hydrangeas, it's one of my wedding presents. My mother-in-law painted that. Talented woman.

Am I Going Crazy Yet?

I haven't been posting a lot recently. Oh, you noticed, huh? Damn. Well, to be honest about it, it's because my posts are supposed to be witty and full of funny sayings and conversations had. There hasn't been a lot of that and I didn't want this to become a chronicle of my depression but sometimes ya just gotta share even if nobody really wants it. This is gonna be one of those posts where I sit here at my desk and cry and make typos because of the tears so if ya wanna skip it, please do and we'll see you on a better day.

I'm tired, folks. So fucking tired. Depression for me is like hanging off the edge of a crumbling cliff face and someone has a tight grip on my wrists. Some days I'm gripping their wrists as hard as I can and digging into anything I think my feet can find purchase on because I want up So. Damn. Badly. Other days I'm kicking and screaming because I want them to let go. For the love of God, please let go. Just let me fall. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want to fight. I don't want to be here. I don't want to live this life anymore. There's nothing good left in it. Then there are days I'm not even holding on. I'm just hanging there. I don't really care if they hold on or let go. I don't even want that decision.

I'm still not taking care of myself like I should. I'm definitely not taking care of my house like I should. I used to be so anal about my bathroom and kitchen floors. I'm not quite sure what's on my kitchen floor right now. I just quit looking at it. I'm diabetic but there are days I don't eat at all. It's not worth the effort. I don't know when I last did laundry. I guess you don't have to do laundry if you never leave the house. I occassionally look around and think to myself, "Damn. When did I get so lazy?" I spend all day at the computer watching TV shows online or playing puzzle games and smoking way too much. That's not like me. I don't knit, crochet, paint, go to the movies or anything I used to love doing. I don't stalk knitters and my husband is nearly having to drag me into Guild Wars to play with him. I still play World of Warcraft (a lot) but most of the time because it's just habit to sign in.

I sometimes wonder if I'm using the depression as an excuse to be lazy or if the depression really is that bad. How do you know? I'm no longer denying that I have depression but I don't think there's a 12 step program for it so admitting it doesn't really help so much. Is there a clue to where if your thought processes go in a certain direction you can tell yourself, "Yep. You're THAT depressed. Congrats. Now get the fuck out of it"? Is there a chart somewhere? Why does everything seem to take so much effort anymore? I'm not sure I have a clean spoon in the house. Don't ask me why that popped into my head but there it is. I don't think I have any clean spoons. Not sure about plates either. I know T went and bought paper plates last week. That might be a clue. Also, I think my scrunchie may be tangled into my hair. I don't know. I do know my hair is out of my face and that's a good thing.

I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. I feed the cat and clean his litter box. I make sure the dogs have water since T feeds them. I check the mail and pay the bills. BUT I don't have any sort of schedule. If I did would that help? I stay awake until my eyes go blurry. Sometimes that takes a day or so. Then I fall into bed and my mind goes 10,000 miles per hour with thoughts of stupid things like "Do we have any clean spoons and will I have to cut the scrunchie out of my head?" and then I finally fall asleep and I sleep an entire day away and I wake up and it's dark outside so I check the dogs water and check the mail and feed the cat and clean his litter box. Otherwise I am sitting right here. I've had a full tank of gas in my car for 2 weeks now. The same tank of gas.

When I do sleep I'm sleeping on top of my comforter. I don't remember the last time I slept IN my bed. One night I just grabbed a sheet from the hall closet and threw it on top of me as I collapsed into bed. I've been sleeping like that for weeks now. I'm just so tired. Am I going crazy yet?

Peek A Boo!

Well hello again. Update time for everyone. Yes, I know I disappeared again. I know I'm lax in my stalker duties. Everytime I get through a rough spot I think "Well, ok, that's over. NOW I'm done. NOW things are all better and life will be normal again. Yay!" Only, not so much. I never realized how hard depression hits and how often you backslide and how easy it is to do so. But I'm here now! No promises that it's a permanent thing but things are definitely looking up. I actually went on a job interview today with our local energy coop company. I'm really hoping I get it. If I don't get out of the house soon I may have to kill T. Yes, I love him but damn....months of being together 24 hours? Nope. You'd wanna kill him too. Also, the coop is literally 4 stop signs from my house. Niiiiice.


So...hmmm....what's happened since the last post. Well, Bonnie, our female catahoula, slipped her choke chain that kept her in the back yard, went into the front yard and chased a huge truck on the street, bit the tire and got rolled. She's ok now but her left front leg is now useless to her. She took a lot of nerve damage. Luckily the mailman saw it happen, knew who she belonged to and came banging on our door. Gotta love a small town.

So, both of the big dogs in the back have now had accidents involving vehicles. *Sigh* Bonnie no longer has any interest in leaving the back yard, but Clyde gets out everynight still. He just hangs on the front porch and barks if anyone walks by. He's made friends with the new neighbor puppy and visits him all the time. He likes the mailman and doesn't bother him in the morning when he delivers the mail. He doesn't bark if the local neighbors are walking by, but anyone he doesn't know from his routine gets a stern barking. Also, trash. He has picked up a bad trash habit. Ya know how dogs will roam the neighborhood and dig through peoples trash? I could live with that. That's normal. Clyde goes to other peoples houses and brings home ENTIRE bags of trash so he can go through them at his leisure on our front porch. There's nothing like stepping out in the morning and finding baby diapers everywhere. Pleasant thought, no?

Also, you guys have Christina (again) to thank for this here post. She normally has the hubby poke me for her to get my attention. She found a way around that. The mail system is evil. She send me a card that I opened and smiled when I saw it. It's rather pretty.

Then I opened it and laughed until it hurt.

Friends who refuse to give up on you are a pain in the ass and the most awesome thing ever.

Stalker Goes Domestic

Back from Oklahoma but tired. I did get to talk to Christina today though, on IM (ok, actually, I'm still talking to her shhh don't tell) and I got to meet Lauren today on IM who is a lurker here at Casa de la Stalker but funny as hell. Hi Lauren! Also, I think I scared the poop out of her when I answered her IM. That's what dreams are made for folks. Scaring the poop out of people. She also invited me on up to a Stitch 'N' Bitch but Pennsylvania is a bit too far and a bit too cold. Besides, the next state I visit needs to be Washington so I can meet the neato folks there. Also, I think if I go somewhere else first Christina might hurt me. Just saying.

I hadn't planned to post today cuz I was tired from hanging some shelves all by my lonesome with wall brace thingies that required drilling and everything but y'all Christina totally didn't believe that I hung shelves. And I did. And I even put them up even and stacked shit on em already and they didn't fall out of the wall. Cuz I am that awesome. So here ya go. Proof. Of shelves. Shelves that are NOT falling out of the wall and are even and shit.

Also, cuteness. Warning, you might die from overload. Tinker is my cutie kitty boo. Too bad I don't like cats.

It's Alive!!!!

Hi! Ummm...look! I remembered my blogger sign in! Yay! Yeah so I've been incommunicado for a loooong freakin while but I have a really good excuse! As soon as I think of it I'll let you know. I guess things just hit me a lot harder then I expected them to. The last few months have been a serious roller coaster ride emotionally and I've gotten to the really bad point of avoiding everyone. I'm sorry. I seriously owe Christina the biggest apology since she keeps having my husband poke me in the shoulder to get my attention. I also promised her a post ummm....a week ago? Two weeks ago? Something like that. She was also sweet enough to make my mailbox do some really fun stuff and sent me a Chris LeDoux CD and some sugar free chocolate truffles (there would be a picture, but I ate them. Promptly. I'm depressed. It's chocolate.) so thank you, Christina. Seriously. I cried when I got it but in that "oh damn someone cares" way. I've gotten a lot of emails from stalkees (even the lurker kind) and I cried at every one of them. Hell, I'm crying now. I guess once you hit this point it's really hard to realize that people care and really, really hard to understand why. Damn this is hard to write. I'm trying not to pour too much of my heart out because I haven't posted in 6 weeks and the first post should not be a pity party but at least you know I'm alive.

I still owe Erin the worlds ugliest granny square. I haven't forgotten. I owe Christina some Guild Wars time and a lot of chat time. I owe Steph, Ryan, Erin, Norma and an ass load of others some serious stalking. I'll get there. I'll be back. I am bound and determined not to let everything bothering me win. I'm fighting back the best I know how so just hang in there for me. I have been working on projects but my one finished one can't be blogged until the recipient gets it because she reads the blog but it's what she wanted for Christmas. I just need to go see her. I just ordered some lipstick red and natural black baby alpaca yarn from Misti Alpaca so I can make myself a hat and scarf set. I think it will make me feel better. Hell if nothing else I can sit around and pet it. I'm working on a knit afghan (cuz I have nothing but time right now) in some soft chunky stuff so as soon as it's done it will get blogged. I haven't given up on knitting and crocheting. I seem to have given up brushing my hair but hey, dreadlocks are cool, right?

I'm just taking little battles right now. I get up and make my bed. I win. I take a shower and brush my teeth. I win. I remember to eat something today. I win. Little battles. I'll deal with the big ones later. I have successfully avoided an anxiety attack for 2 weeks now so that's a good thing. I'm trying not to over analyze what happened to the person that showed up in Austin for the Meet'N"Greet and became the person sitting here crying in a big pink gown, fuzzy slippers and a hooded jacket with messy hair, a pack carton of cigarettes and a cup of coffee. I'm going this weekend with my mom to see my grandfather in Oklahoma. I couldn't even talk to him on the phone at Christmas. I haven't seen him since my grandmother's funeral. I'll also be visiting her grave this weekend. It's gonna be hard but I need to do this. I'm taking lots of yarn.

I miss you guys. I really do. I miss the blogs and I miss being me. I miss the snarky comments you guys leave me when I do something stupid. I'll get it back though. I'm determined to win. I always have sucked at losing.