Oh Yeah. Here's a Title and Stuff.

For those of you wondering about the results of a CT scan, there hasn't been one yet. I'm not sure when there's going to be one. See all previous posts about not working or having insurance for the last 4 freaking years. *sigh*  I have my moments where this absolutely terrifies me with everything going on with my health but I can't let it run my life, so I'm not gonna let it. I am, however, gonna bitch about it. I simply don't understand the amount of time it takes or why there's been no human interaction here. These people don't know me from Eve and yet they are making important decisions about the future of my health care. I've been at this since October! I've been divorced for 2 years, I haven't worked in 4 years, I have diabetes, hypertension, congestive heart failure, severe back pains, vertigo and now a nodule on my lung. I'm not lazy, I'm sure as hell not stupid, I. Just. Need. Help.

I don't even need permanent help. I'm not looking to be on disability for the rest of my life. That thought is just waaaaay too depressing to contemplate.  I have things I want to do but I just can't do them right now. In the meantime, I'm draining my parents dry with the buying of my meds, specialty diet and, hell, just day to day things like soap and laundry detergent.  Disability would help there. I could buy my own meds, my own food, give them gas money for running me to doctor's appointments...the list goes on. I miss my independence but I'm hanging on. Some days are good days.

Tuesday...Tuesday was a good day. Cory and I had turned on the web cams to chat so que the conversation format! Don't worry, I'll start after the gross, lovey-dovey giggling bits (usually by me):

Cory: Blogged recently?

Me: Yesterday recent enough?

Cory: I s'pose so.

Me: Say, I need a pic of your scarf. I forgot to take a pic of it before I sent it to you and now I can't blog it cuz I don't have it.

Cory: Want me to go get it and you can just take a screen shot? You know it'll be forever before I actually get around to taking a pic otherwise.

Me: Yes!! *Does a happy puppy butt wiggle cuz now I get a pic of the scarf and my Canadian*

Then...then he comes back into view. Oh, he's wearing the scarf. It just happens to be the only things he's wearing. Thankfully (maybe, shut up, don't judge me) it's long and covers up the yummy naughty bits. I absolutely died laughing. He didn't just make my day, he made my whole damn year. Yeah, I took screen shots. You would have too, don't lie.

So, with a little liberty with MS Paint, here is Cory's scarf. With a smidge of pale Canadian background. It makes me smile like an idiot.

P.S. Stop trying to look below the picture edge. Pervert. You were too!!

And So We Continue Our Story...

Previously on I Stalk Knitters:

Graduating from school! (yay!)  Job market sucks! (boo!) Panic attacks and anxiety! (boo!) Still head over heels in love with a Canadian! (yay!)

This brings us up to speed into October of 2010. At the beginning of October, little brother Frankenstein (who is 19 now and so not little) said that what he really wanted for his birthday was for me to visit. How do you refuse that??  So I talked to my folks and borrowed my dad's car to head to Austin for a few days and visit. On the 13th of October I thought I was coming down with something because I was having a really hard time breathing. Not constantly, just sudden attacks like I had asthma, which I do not. I, being me, ignored them because that's what I do! Plus I was so not letting my little brother down and I hadn't seen everyone in over a year, dammit. So off I go to Austin to see my other, non-birth, family. It was a fun week with all the singing and messing about, but I had to sleep sitting up the entire week. Walking outside would send me into some sort of holy-shit-I-can't-breathe thing but other than the breathing? I felt fine! No fever, no sluggishness, no weakness. It was so weird.

So after the birthday festivities and such, I head home on October 20th. The next evening, I get out of my desk chair, where I had been leaned back and trying to sleep, and go into my dad's office because, once again, I can't breathe. I just went in to have someone to bitch to. He decided I needed to go the emergency room and ignored my wheezy protests. In I go and immediately back to a room I go and they hook me up to all kinds of fun machines and pump me full of all kinds of fun drugs and make me have to pee every 15 seconds and the bathroom is down the hall. These people are sadists. On one trip back from the bathroom the doctor follows me in with my diagnosis.

Dr.: You have CHF.

Me: No, I don't.

Dr.: That means you have Congestive Heart Failure.

Me: I KNOW what CHF is. I just don't have it.

Dr.: I'm afraid you do.

Me:  I'm afraid you suck donkey nuts. Huge ones.

I immediately look at my dad and say to him, "Go home. Go in my room. Find every carton of cigarettes, my cigarette case, every lighter and my ashtray and get them out of my room. I'm done. I quit. No more smoking for me." I was instantly terrified.  For those of you unfamiliar with CHF, it basically means that my blood pressure was so out of control and that my body was retaining so much fluid that my heart and lungs were surrounded and weren't functioning properly. Yeah, I was trying to die on accident. Wait, I failed suicide and now I'm gonna ACCIDENTALLY die?  Fuck that noise. No thank you. I still have shit to do. I spent 3 days in the hospital that were a blur to me. Basically I had deprived my brain of decent oxygen for long enough that I had mild dementia for a week or so. Then, because I was stupid enough to say yes to having a Foley catheter put in, I had a sever kidney infection for a week or so. Stupid hospitals. Stupid infections.

So now I am a heart patient. That hasn't worked or had insurance since T and I got laid off in March of 2007.  Well.....fuckerpants. There have been some good things come of this. No, really! I promise! I have a plan. I have things I still wanna do, dammit. I still wanna go back to school. I still wanna import my very own Canadian and make an honest man of him. I'm not done yet, dammit.  Yeah, I have my days where I am really down.  I also have my days where I am determined. Today is a determined day, obviously. In the 3 days I was in the hospital I dropped 25 lbs. All water weight and I had NO idea I was that bad.  My body looks WEIRD to me but I am working on losing more. Slowly, but working.  I am cooking and eating healthier and it pisses my dad off. He LIKES his junky food and has been sneaking fast food when he goes out. He doesn't think we know. He's not really that sneaky for a private investigator. Did I mention that after I moved in he had a series of 7 (SEVEN) heart attacks? Yeah. I've been under a smidge bit of stress here.

I've also been working on getting my SSI disabilty because I'm in no physical shape to work right now and who is going to hire a very recent CHF patient? I'm a walking liability right now. I've also been working on getting the Harris County Hospital District discount card, called a Gold Card. It's basically a form of insurance for low income/no income individuals and family.  Thank the gods my family lives in Harris County. I've also been going to a free clinic here in Katy and they have been wonderful. They can't treat my CHF, but I am at least back on all my meds and my numbers are looking good. My folks are still buying my meds though and I'm slowly draining them dry between my meds and needing a specialty diet. Cooking with diabetes AND staying heart healthy isn't cheap because this country fails.

I haven't had a cigarette since October 21st. I've only craved one MAYBE 3 times since then and all I have to do is remember the terror I felt upon my diagnosis. Most days I simply forget I ever smoked and people, I was smoking 2 freaking packs a day up to that point. So praise God for huge miracles. If you've ever smoked, you'll understand that.

I called Cory the first day I was in the hospital so he wouldn't panic:

He answers the phone and I say, "Hey, sweetie."

Cory: Where are you? Are you ok?

Me: I'm in the hospital. They admitted me last night.

Cory: So what's the diagnosis? What did they say was causing the breathing issues??

Me: It's bad sweetie.  (I start crying)

Cory: You're scaring me. Really scaring me, just tell me what the doctor said, please.

Me:  I have Congestive Heart Failure. They said I was minutes away from a heart attack or stroke.

Cory: So that means meds, rehabilitation, therapy, better eating and exercise. right?

Me: Yeah, I guess so.

Cory. Okay. That's not bad.

Me: Excuse me??

Cory: You're alive, love. So long as you stay with me we can get through anything.

So then I cried harder. I honestly expected him to bail. Think about it! Perfect opportunity to say, "Oh hell no I don't need this shit." and just walk. He's in Canada, I'm way down here. I have a crap ton of health issues and can't find a job. And he's still with me. No ignoring the fact that he truly loves me. He even apologized for not being able to be here with me. I am SO keeping him.

Now on to the latest thing. With my disability stuff, Social Security sent me for evaluations to 2 of their doctors. The first one was for depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I managed to actually have a panic attack while sitting in their waiting room. I panicked and fled to the bathroom. Fun times. The other was for the CHF, back issues and vertigo I seem to have developed since then and that included an x-ray. A week or so after that one I got a "courtesy call" from their office about my x-ray.

Nurse: I'm calling as a legal courtesy to inform you of your x-ray results. A 1.3 cm nodule was found on your lung and we recommend you find a pulmonologist, have a CT scan taken asap. They will determine if a biopsy is necessary from that CT scan and you should have a follow-up scan every 6 months for at least the next 2 years.

Translation: I'm calling because I legally HAVE to tell you that you may have lung cancer and should have that looked into. Kthx bye.

Apparently my life has not been interesting enough. I REALLY need that disability and discount card to come through now.  Dear God, I know you don't give us more than we are able to handle, but dammit, maybe you have me confused with someone else?


So, how you guys been?

Where The Hell Are We??

A friend of mine suggested I may wanna pretty things up a bit around ye olde blog and I had been thinking about it, so i did. It was easier than I had feared and I would love knowing what you think. In that I also mean you can suggest changes you may want. I only post here, YOU have to try and read it. Need a bigger font? I'm on it cuz I'm blind as a bat myself. HATE the color scheme? I'm always willing to play around and change things to make it more soothing. I draw the line at neon, though. If you want neon do it to your own blog. Ugh.

As previously mentioned, I have been going through a lot in the last umm...well, few years, actually. I have failed at stalking knitters during that time, but you know what? I'm keeping the title. Both of them, mine and the blog's. I mean, yeah I lost touch for a while but I did keep SOME contact with people through Facebook, so technically there was SOME stalking going on. Hah!

Now begins the difficult task of trying to decide where to start. How far do I go back while still moving forward and not just confuse everyone in the process? Pfft. I'll do what I always do. I'll start typing and let my mind ramble on like a crazy person and we'll just see where we end up, shall we?

Since I know some of you are wondering my yarn status, I did some crocheting last year and made some little pot holders for a future kitchen I plan to have but other than that, I just haven't felt the desire to pick up yarn. In fact, and this is going to be difficult to read for most of you, my yarn is packed up and placed in the storage shed at the moment. I'll give you a moment. If you have to switch web sites for a bit to recuperate I'll understand.

Everyone ok to move on? You sure? Ok, then you need to know that my knitting and crochet days ARE NOT OVER. In fact recently I have been feeling the bug to pick my hook back up. This is a good sign! It means I'm getting back to me. It also means Cory has been riding my ass (and not in that oh so fun way) to get back into crochet, knitting, singing and spending more time away from this damn contraption. He's such a good boy.

So previously at Casa de la Stalker I posted that I was going back to school for medical assistant. I did graduate (with a 4.0, thank you) but the job market around here SUCKED. I basically spent last summer going on interviews where my panic attacks slapped me in the face and I looked like an over-eager coke addict looking for a paycheck or a crazy woman that seriously wanted to stick people with needles please can I stick the pretty people??? Well, that's how my mind pictures me anyway. I'm pretty sure it wasn't THAT bad. Or it could have been. Piss off. I am now making a pouty face at you.

We're going to leave it here cuz I just don't feel like getting into what happened in Fall of 2010 yet. We'll just leave it with 2010 sucked major donkey balls and next time we'll get into details about the size of said donkey anatomy. I am pointing out, however, that this is officially another post. Can I has a cookie now? =D

Some changes were made per comment suggestions so I hope it's easier to read now. I cannot stand a solid white web page as it kills my eyes so I compromised. I am now in the process of fixing all the old posts that had light colored (coloured for my non Americans) text in it so it can be read.  

So I Remembered My password for Blogger...

Hi! It's me. Fail Stalker. I'm not even sure if anyone is even out there, but here's the deal; yeah, I know I did it again. I disappeared for over a year again. At least I'm consistent on that front! Yes, the depression is back in force and I'm wrestling with it daily but Cory insists that writing about it and getting it out of my system will help. And he has a point in that. What if it doesn't help me, but someone reads what I'm writing and it helps them? They realize they aren't alone in feeling this way and that there's hope? It'll be worth it to throw my crap out in the wind at that point. No, I'm not looking for sympathy or platitudes or a pity party. I do the pity thing all by myself just fine so I don't need to drag you down with me.

So I plan to write either daily or every other day. It's really not like I have jack shit else going on, ya know? I will get you guys caught up on what's been going on with me since the last post and it's likely to get personal so if you don't wanna know THAT much about someone else's life, please don't get offended and just move on. If, however, you enjoy a good train wreck and can't seem to look away, hop on board!! There will be love, pain, hope, disappointment, resolution, fear, tears and laughter. In other words, this WILL be about life. There will be times that I joke about my situation or my health so I ask that you please don't berate me "for not taking things seriously, dammit!" This is how I cope. I joke about things when they get bad. If I can make light of my situation, then I'm not so far down the black hole of hell that I can't get back out, ya know? It's my affirmation that I can spring back from the bad shit. So...yeah. I'm back. You're stuck with me again.

Muahahahahahaha....

*To be continued...*