Still Here.

There's a post. I need to read through it, but there is a post, I've just been busy. That almost said, "I've just been busty."   That would have been awesome.  Anyway, I will try and read through it tonight and get it posted. I haven't forgotten you guys, I swears. 


For those of you bugging me in MSN, Facebook and e-mails, thank you.  It helps to know you care.  Sincerely.

Oh, and if anyone wants to add me to FB, please feel free. I am easier to keep track of that way.  :)

Angela Ingham Hughes.   (zomg she put her full name on teh interwebz!!!!)  haha

Denial

I got denied my disability. I need to talk to Cory but I won't call him at work and lay this kind of shit on him. My head is just so ugly right now. I've actually tried to think of ways to get out of seeing friends coming into town next week.  It's hit me that it may be another 2 years before I see Cory again. I'm not sure I can do another 2 yrs without touching him but I obviously can't afford to go up there and he hasn't even started the process for a passport and even if he had I couldn't do anything to help him come down for a visit. I've even thought that he deserves so much better than someone who has become nothing but a financial drain on those she loves and he should, by all rights, dump my sorry, useless ass and find someone else.

I sincerely wish I could just fade away right now. I can't think of one single person that wouldn't be better off. Every part of me is screaming to start pushing people away. Delete the blog. Close my Facebook account. Stop logging into WoW. Stop logging into MSN. Turn off the cell phone. Crawl into bed and just never leave again.

I hate that I've been crying for well over an hour now and nobody has noticed. I hate that I've been sobbing so hard that my entire body shakes, but I've become so practiced at doing this silently that anyone listening would just think my allergies were acting up. I want to scream. I want to be held and told everything is going to work out. Told that things will be fine even though the ugly voices in my head are whispering that things will never be as I want them.

I'm trying. I really am fighting here but I'm so tired. The disability was going to pay for the doctor's visits, my meds...that kind of thing. Now it's all on my parents still. The letter said that according to their findings I could still work as a sales clerk. These people have obviously never worked retail. Fuck them. I'm not even a person to them, I'm a file. They don't know me, what I'm going through or what I've gone through. I hate bureaucracy so fucking much.

Good News! Finally!

So I finally got approved for my Gold Card.  This is exciting because it's a HUGE help to me for several reasons. What the Gold Card does is allow people who live in Harris County, where Houston is, get affordable health care. It's almost like having an insurance plan in that those who qualify only have to pay a nominal co-pay for clinic and hospital visits. They cover primary care physicians, specialists, hospital stays, dental visits and I'm researching to see what else they may cover, such as vision since I'm blind as hell. 

This means I can get a doctor that I see on a regular basis that will monitor my conditions. This means a cardiologist if deemed necessary to monitor my congestive heart failure. This means...

THIS MEANS A CT SCAN FOR MY LUNGS!!!!!!  Woohoo!!!!! Cheer with me, folks!! 

It's not my disability yet, but it's a start. It means health care for me that won't break my parents in the meantime. It means diabetic testing supplies we can afford.  It means visits with a certified nutritionist for education. This means...a lot, guys. I cried with relief when I got the letter.

So things are looking up! Yay!!!! Now if my disability would just come through. Keep up any prayers or well wishes. They are so working!!

♥

Lovey Dovey Crap. No, Really.

So the title should really be a warning if you pay attention at all. Sorry it's been a bit since I posted but I've just had a lot going on with nothing worth posting. Still no word on my disability or Gold Card so still no CT scan on my lungs or anything. I promise to update if anything on that front changes. The depression crap is still waxing and waning as it wants to but hasn't been as bad the last couple of weeks.  Hell, I shaved my legs yesterday! Woohoo!!!  I just hate that it wore me out to do so and I think that's the worst part of all of this. The physical exhaustion is just....hell.

I plan dinner so I can cook it in stages. I can empty the dishwasher, but I need a break before I can then place the dirty dishes inside. Then I need a break before I go back and wipe down counters and the stove. Forget sweeping the floor because my back just won't handle it. It's not even my lower back! It makes no damn sense, but my upper back pretty well always feels like it's on fire and doing anything for more than 10 minutes makes it try to knot up and the skin in that area goes numb. What...the...fuck!? It only started doing that after the CHF hospital stay, too. So shit that I could do just fine before that, I can't now. I've talk to the nurse practitioner at the free clinic but she has no clue what could be causing it. Blarg, dammit. Just blarg.

So, first two paragraphs not so lovey dovey. Maybe I should change the title. Nah, fuck it, we'll do the lovey dovey crap now. Turn away if you have a weak stomach. Seriously.

So during the 10 years of my marriage, T and I spent a lot of time saying the words, "I love you."  Not once did we ever say WHY we loved each other.  I find that a lot of couples are like that but wouldn't it be wonderful if someone actually told you why they loved you? What is it about you that they find so endearing? Talk about a confidence booster to actually hear why they adore YOU and not the drop-dead gorgeous brunette sex-pot that sat next to you on the train that day!  Imagine having someone take what you see as faults about yourself and put them in a new light. Yeah, that's good stuff.

No, this isn't going to be a brag-fest cuz Cory did this for me. This is a brag-fest because I sat down and wrote out a few of the things I love about him. I say a few because it would take years to figure out all the reasons I love him. And I hate romance. It bugs the shit out of me but he makes me go all doe-eyed at him. So the remainder of this post is to him. You can read it or skip it. You can also go write to the person you love and make their day.

I decided to write this because while I boost your ego a lot, what I want boosted is your self esteem. Not just because it would make you a healthier, happier person, but because you're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Am I biased? Possibly. But there had to be something about you to get me to the point of BEING biased, right? Right??

You tell me that people don't like you except to appease me in some way or because of me in some way. You have friends and acquaintances in life that have absolutely nothing to do with me. If you don't have more friends it's because you're simply a very private person. Even with me there are aspects of your life and your past that you keep to yourself. Not a complaint, simply an observation. I figure you’ll share those things when or if you’re ready to.

You tell me you’re weird. Yes. Yes you are. I love every minute of your oddities. It means you’ll always be interesting. It means you’ll always keep me guessing. It means you’ll always be able to make me burst into surprise laughter. I don’t see this as a flaw. If anything it makes me love you more. Every time you’ve ever done something that others would see as “odd” or “weird” it just makes me smile because it means you’re just being you, something I encourage at every turn. It’s rough because you can’t see me all the time when we’re together but if you could just see how often I smile because of you and your “antics” I think it would make your head spin.

I have heard people say jokingly, and you’ve told me you’ve heard it in all seriousness, that you’re perverted. Thank you, God. A man that is open, honest and exploratory in his sexuality. A man that’s willing to try different things and keep life interesting. Your “perversity” has allowed me to open up and be honest for the first time in my life about my own sexuality and not be afraid to ask for the things I want because someone will think I’m weird. You’re the first man who has ever made me feel like a real woman. The first man to ever make me truly feel wanted. You’re the first man to ever make me feel as if I deserve more. If that’s perverted, then I am so grateful to be in love with a pervert.

You once told me that your brothers got all the brains and the looks in the family. I call major bullshit on this one. I’m considered pretty intelligent, but at times you blow me away with the way your mind works. You ARE intelligent. You’re creative and inquisitive and just because you don’t always conform to the directions your family or society thinks you should be taking doesn’t make you stupid. It makes you independent. You speak slowly and concisely. Others may see this as a flaw, but it’s one of the reasons I find your voice so soothing. It’s the first thing I noticed about you. I love hearing you talk. You know this. As far as your brothers getting all the looks, go buy a mirror. You’re not exactly a train wreck. I used to think you were cute. I did. Thought so the first time I saw a picture of you from the Toronto trip. You’ve been upgraded from cute a couple of times since then. Biased? You bet your ass. There’s a reason I stare at you on web cam. When you smile, really sincerely smile, it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

I love every quirk you have. Yes, some days you irritate the shit out of me but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Yes, some days I roll my eyes at your antics, but I still smile because I love you. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t say to myself “Jesus, I love this man.” and marvel at just how much I do. People are tired of hearing me say it. I just don’t care. I’d shout it to the rooftops if I could. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

I love your personality.

I love your mind.

I love your body.

I love your voice.

I love you.