Friday, March 11, 2011


I got denied my disability. I need to talk to Cory but I won't call him at work and lay this kind of shit on him. My head is just so ugly right now. I've actually tried to think of ways to get out of seeing friends coming into town next week.  It's hit me that it may be another 2 years before I see Cory again. I'm not sure I can do another 2 yrs without touching him but I obviously can't afford to go up there and he hasn't even started the process for a passport and even if he had I couldn't do anything to help him come down for a visit. I've even thought that he deserves so much better than someone who has become nothing but a financial drain on those she loves and he should, by all rights, dump my sorry, useless ass and find someone else.

I sincerely wish I could just fade away right now. I can't think of one single person that wouldn't be better off. Every part of me is screaming to start pushing people away. Delete the blog. Close my Facebook account. Stop logging into WoW. Stop logging into MSN. Turn off the cell phone. Crawl into bed and just never leave again.

I hate that I've been crying for well over an hour now and nobody has noticed. I hate that I've been sobbing so hard that my entire body shakes, but I've become so practiced at doing this silently that anyone listening would just think my allergies were acting up. I want to scream. I want to be held and told everything is going to work out. Told that things will be fine even though the ugly voices in my head are whispering that things will never be as I want them.

I'm trying. I really am fighting here but I'm so tired. The disability was going to pay for the doctor's visits, my meds...that kind of thing. Now it's all on my parents still. The letter said that according to their findings I could still work as a sales clerk. These people have obviously never worked retail. Fuck them. I'm not even a person to them, I'm a file. They don't know me, what I'm going through or what I've gone through. I hate bureaucracy so fucking much.


twelvedaysold said...

Hey. It really will be all right. Life may suck right now, but I really mean it that there are a lot of people out there who care about you (and I'm not even talking about us internet weirdos!). Your parents love you, and that is why they are supporting you. Don't think it's not worth it to them to take care of you.

Regarding Cory, don't think like that. If roles were reversed, and Cory called you to tell you he had a slew of health issues, would you not want to be by his side anyway? Feeling like a burden is the biggest bummer, but remember that you are worth it. Don't let those negative thoughts bring you down. Satan, be gone!

I know we don't know each other, but I really hope you can feel my virtual arm around you telling you that you are valuable and loved.

Christina said...

The voices are liars.

Lola said...

They usually deny disability at the first request. Try again, and make sure to build your case. You might want to look into finding an advocate who specializes in helping people get disability. I don't know where you could find one, but ask around in your local area.