A Good Day

Granted, it's only noon, but it's been a good day so far. I'm feeling up and positive because it seems like things are getting done. I'm not stressing as much about the job situation. T will still have his for a couple of months after me and I'll have unemployment coming in. I have time. I don't need to panic. Something will come along and it'll be good. If I apply somewhere and don't get a call, then it's not where I am meant to be.

T is finally on meds for HIS depression and stress and it's made life more bearable for me. He's in the middle of a really bad exacerbation with his MS and I'm doing my best to not let it drag me down. He doesn't need to see how badly I am taking this exacerbation. That's the hardest part about marriage or a partnership. You hold things in not because you don't want to share them but because you love them and don't want to burden them. We both do it. Hell, we all do it.

I just got off the phone with him and he just finished his first visit to a psych doctor. He sounds awesome. He's actually positive about going to this doctor. He likes what the doctor had to say and was very open about the visit they had. This is such a good thing I could cry with relief. There's hope there. He hasn't sounded this good in almost 2 years. My mind is doing cartwheels. My body is saying "Dear God maybe she'll get some sleep and relax now!!"

I have an appointment for tomorrow to talk to my doc about my meds, side effects and any symptoms I've been having that I forgot to mention before. I made a list this time. It's scary that I was able to make a fucking LIST. Lists are for groceries and things to do. Not symptoms. But that's ok! I'm accepting the fact that I cannot do this alone. I'm accepting the fact that I'm going to need meds for a while to get through this and that's it's not a permanent thing. I am accepting that pushing my friends and family away is not going to do me any good nor would it be very successful. It worked in the past. I have new friends now. They're as stubborn as I am. This is scary.

I also realize that stopping the blog would be a really dumb ass move. It's not just a way to connect with everyone. I feel better when I write out what I'm feeling or thinking. You guys make an AWESOME sounding board. I cannot thank you enough for the kind words and the advice. I need to keep reminding myself that I'm not alone, I don't have to be alone and that I'm not the only one that is going through, or has gone through, something like this.

Your comments have made me laugh and kept me going. They've made me cry and cope. Some of you have given me things to research and that's the kinda stuff I live for. Some of you (coughChristinacough) have called me a dork and made me cry not because of being called a dork, but because it's such a normal occurrence from that person, that it made me feel like things were going to be ok. Things are so out of whack with life and it's, I don't know, normal. I should probably be depressed that being called a dork is normal. It just makes me laugh. Cuz I am a dork. Also, now I am rambling. Also, being mushy, eww. Sorry.

So anyway, yeah. Having a good day. I have local friends who love me and worry about me. I have friends all over that buck me up, make me laugh and reveal my dorkiness to the world simply because I love yarn just as much as they do. You guys rock.

Hope you have a great day. See ya Friday. :)

Surfacing.

Hi! I umm...yeah. This makes 4 posts for all of November. That's really sad. It's not that nothing went on for the entire freaking month of November, I just have been in this fog. Yes, this is mostly a post for me to get out some things in writing. If you don't want to read further, just skip to comments and tell me to get the hell over it already and bring back the funny. :)

So I finally went to the doctor at the end of October and did you know it takes some meds forever to build up in your system? Totally. So the doctor says I'm stressed. I know! I was shocked. Stupid conversation follows and points out the extent of my stubbornness.

Doc: So why are you here? What can we do for you?

Me: Well, since about February, there's been MAYBE 30 days this year where I haven't been vomiting at least once and I'm getting these flash headaches and weird nerve issues in my back.

Doc: February, huh? And you're just now coming in why?

Me: I'm stubborn? I don't like doctors? I always think things will fix themselves? I have a healthy sense of denial?

Doc: Mmhmmm. Ok, so we're going to run some tests on your liver and pancreas but I'm betting it's all stress related.

Me: Stress? I never have serious stress issues.

Doc: Ok, so what's going on in your life right now that COULD cause stress if you were so inclined to be effected by said possible stress.

Me: Umm....my hubby has MS and is having an exacerbation, I'm being laid off in December, he's being laid off in February, we have 5 dogs and a cat to take care of, there's never enough time in the day and I'm still dealing with the loss of my grandmother and my dog. Granted, Grandma rates above the dog, but still.

Doc: Ok, so I'm putting you on Prozac for 30 days and then you're coming back in.

Me: Oh hell no. I don't need Prozac. Crazy people who are overwhelmed take Prozac. I'm hunky dory.

Doc: Which is why your blood pressure is sky high, your resting pulse rate is over 100, you've sat here and chewed off 3 of your fingernails while talking to me and you've scratched your face until you're bleeding? That's your hunky dory?

Me: Shut up.

Doc: You're going to try the Prozac for 30 days. You're going to come back and see me at the end of that or before the end of the year I'll see you after your heart attack and/or stroke. Did you know you've been crying for 30 minutes now?

Me: Oh and my eyes are leaky. I'm not crying. It's medical.

Doc: Here's your prescription.

So yes, I have been taking Prozac for the last month and getting used to it. Yes, I'm going back this week because emotionally I'm on a roller coaster. I take it in the mornings and my days are whacky. By the time afternoon rolls around, I feel pretty even keel. Sloggy, but even keel. By evening I'm giddy and my brain races. I go to bed and can't sleep cuz my mind won't shut up. In the morning I wake up on rock bottom and feel like I have to start all over. This isn't what is supposed to be happening me thinks. According to Non-birth Mom (she requested it be shortened from Mom of the she did not give birth to me variety. Silly woman) I should have been on this stuff over a year ago. I tend to agree with her.

I'm trying to get myself pulled together. I'm trying to take interest in those things that once made me happy. I'm trying to find upbeat positive things to post and I'm trying so hard to get back into reading the blogs and commenting. I find when I read them here lately that I don't want to comment because I've been away so long and will anyone even remember me on some of them and can I make a comment without sounding snarky or depressed? I'm trying not to cry because when I read the blogs I'm so behind on what is happening with everyone and I miss everyone and following along.

I find that when I get overly stressed or depressed that I push people away and try to fade out of everyone's life. If I don't face my friends, I don't have to face my issues, right? Several times these last 2 months I have had serious thoughts of shutting down the blog, closing my emails and just letting Stalker Angie fade away from the blog life and move on. I realize now that that's not fair. It's not fair to me or any of you guys. I'm going to do my best to post on a regular schedule even if it's just a pic of Tinker or one of the puppies. I'm going to do my best to reconnect with all of my blogs and stay updated. If I miss a post, feel free to bug the snot out of me until I post something. I'm on yahoo, AIM and MSN. Christina does an awesome job of that when she can. Hell, bug her until she bugs me. It's not like T and I don't have dumb ass conversations on a daily basis I could post. Also, I need to be having pics of FO's for Christmas to post. See? Sometimes it just takes a cattle prod to the butt.

Guess who swatched!!

No, it wasn't me, but I have a confession of swatching. I do. See, I talk to Christina just about daily (until she remembers she has more of a life than I do) on Yahoo and I was being her seaming support for her sweater. Then....she confessed it. Just came right out and blurted! She swatched for her sweater. She's a swatcher now! And now for the confession:

[17:54] lionessria: I'm sleeve-seaming now! lol

[17:54] stalkerangie: *scared*

[17:55] lionessria: I'd kinda like to know why they're so short though.

[17:56] stalkerangie: uh oh. that doesn't bode well

[17:56] stalkerangie: umm...3/4 sleeves maybe?

[17:56] lionessria: we're going to have to have some serious ribbing. lol

[17:56] stalkerangie: don't make it look like an 80's sweater lol

[17:57] lionessria: Pfft

[17:57] stalkerangie: all tight below the elbow so it's poofy above. not a good look lol

[17:58] lionessria: Or I could actually knit a swatch in stockingette and knit downwards before starting the ribbing.

[17:58] stalkerangie: oh now that sounds like a much better idea

[17:59] lionessria: Swatch! *runs away*

[17:59] stalkerangie: lol

[17:59] stalkerangie: I've never swatched before....

[17:59] stalkerangie: unless you count that scarf I never finished....I could call it a swatch

[18:00] lionessria: You wanna know a secret? I actually swatched for this sweater on the machine before I started.

[18:01] stalkerangie: I am so blogging that. I'm telling the world!

[18:01] stalkerangie: or, the few people who read my blog anyway

[18:02] lionessria: Go ahead. I was going to anyways when I posted the finished pics and stuff.

[18:02] stalkerangie: well damn. it's no fun then. lol

[18:02] lionessria: Oh right. I mean.. No! No! You can't!

[18:03] stalkerangie: lmao. yay!! now I can! I shall blog it and tell everyone!!

So there it is folks! Head over and mock her for the swatcher she is. Or bug her on Yahoo and tell her you heard of her swatchiness. Swatching indeed.

Slog Blog

I keep slogging through my brain to try and figure out what to write. I'm trying not to create my own personal pitty party on the blog. I'm struggling with dealing with the impending job loss, T's MS, having to go to work everyday knowing that I am just spinning my wheels because in just over a month it will be someone else's job. For those of you that were in Boerne this last weekend I extend my sincerest apologies for missing it. I'm trying to pick myself back up and I don't think I would have made the weekend without crying into the alpaca and that would have just been awkward. I spent the weekend instead crying into my mom's lap and getting a new batch of yarn that used to be my grandmother's and crying because I miss her oh, and there was crying because I woke up Sunday and my folks were out of vanilla creamer. Are you sensing a trend?

So that's why I haven't posted in a week and why I missed the coolest time in Boerne this last weekend. I'll make it up at the next meet n greet. I pinky swear it. I swear on my stash. Yeah. So take that. So to kinda keep my spirits up, I have been crocheting and have I got something for you guys. Remember this?
Some of you expressed interest in a fish mat for your knitter kitties. Guess what I did! It's not tested yet but I have a person in mind to test the pattern for me. Tada!!!! I designed a fish mat!

And here it is in use by Tinker's food dish.

It would be very simple to do a striped fish or a solid color. If anyone wants a fish mat, let me know. Once the pattern is tested, I'll post it and share. :)

Nekkid and Pissed

Now before you sickos out there (that would be you....you think I'm funny and that makes you sick. Hee!) get any ideas about this post, I'm not nekkid. Nor are there any pics of me nekkid. You may thank me later. I am, however, pissed. At myself. See, this post was supposed to happen this morning. Or, early afternoon, whatever. Earlier than now anyway. Here's what happened.

See, I got up late this morning. No, later than usual. Shut up. So I didn't have time over my coffee this morning to upload pics or throw them onto my handy-dandy thumb drive for uploading from work. Yes, I suck, I know. So T says he'll take my memory card out of my camera and send me the files at work. Yay! So around mid afternoon I send him an IM about the pictures. Yes, it's another installment of stupid conversations. Yes, I know it's not original.

Me: Pictures! I demand pictures for blogging!

T: Ok, hold on. Getting you camera.

T: Umm....Where's your memory card for you camera?

Me: Umm...shit?

T:........

Me: Is it in my computer?

T: Yes. It is. Did you take pictures without your memory card?

Me: Maybe...

T: *sigh* Ok, where is the cord for your camera?

Me: Umm...shit?

T: Baby, where is the cord.

Me: In my purse. At work. With me.

T signs off the instant messenger. Yeah that's kinda how my day went. But I'm home now! I have pictures for you! Now we get on with the nekkid! Woohoo! I know some of you are wonder what was lurking beneath the carpet of death in my dining room. Who wants pictures?? Oh, you do? Ok! Behold, my nekkid dining room floor!






That, my dear Stalkees, is the original tongue 'n groove hardwood floors from when the house was built in the 1920's. We asked the neighbors who have the same floor and who's house was built by the same guy who built ours. They are also the people we bought the house from. It's not in perfect shape, but it just needs to be sanded, stained and water sealed. None of the boards are cracked or coming up, none separating and all of the problem spots can easily be sanded out. I cannot tell you how excited I am. The neighbors said they'd even come over and help since they did their own floors and know how to work the sanders and such. Woohoo!! Here is proof of some of the rough spots. Trust me, there are larger areas, but I'm not sharing those.



So, speaking of nekkid, yesterday the puppies had an appointment for the groomer. I make the mistake of letting T take them in for the first time ever. I know how I like them cut. He doesn't. He tells them he just wants a little hair left on the ends of their tails. That's ALL they have left people. I get home yesterday and I'm convinced he brought home the wrong dogs. I sent in Lhasa Apso's. I got back pugs. Proof of the nekkid!



Poor Alex. The boy has been in a bad mood since he got home yesterday. Then there's Saoirse. She just spent all day and night shivering. By the way, Saoirse is pronounced "SEER-sha." It's Gaelic for Freedom. Nekkid Freedom. Hehe



Also, speaking of not amused? The dogs? Are pissed. They are trying to figure out how to get revenge for being nekkid.



He's plotting.



Saoirse just wants a chunk of vital flesh. I'm running to hide now.