Monday, November 27, 2006

Surfacing.

Hi! I umm...yeah. This makes 4 posts for all of November. That's really sad. It's not that nothing went on for the entire freaking month of November, I just have been in this fog. Yes, this is mostly a post for me to get out some things in writing. If you don't want to read further, just skip to comments and tell me to get the hell over it already and bring back the funny. :)

So I finally went to the doctor at the end of October and did you know it takes some meds forever to build up in your system? Totally. So the doctor says I'm stressed. I know! I was shocked. Stupid conversation follows and points out the extent of my stubbornness.

Doc: So why are you here? What can we do for you?

Me: Well, since about February, there's been MAYBE 30 days this year where I haven't been vomiting at least once and I'm getting these flash headaches and weird nerve issues in my back.

Doc: February, huh? And you're just now coming in why?

Me: I'm stubborn? I don't like doctors? I always think things will fix themselves? I have a healthy sense of denial?

Doc: Mmhmmm. Ok, so we're going to run some tests on your liver and pancreas but I'm betting it's all stress related.

Me: Stress? I never have serious stress issues.

Doc: Ok, so what's going on in your life right now that COULD cause stress if you were so inclined to be effected by said possible stress.

Me: Umm....my hubby has MS and is having an exacerbation, I'm being laid off in December, he's being laid off in February, we have 5 dogs and a cat to take care of, there's never enough time in the day and I'm still dealing with the loss of my grandmother and my dog. Granted, Grandma rates above the dog, but still.

Doc: Ok, so I'm putting you on Prozac for 30 days and then you're coming back in.

Me: Oh hell no. I don't need Prozac. Crazy people who are overwhelmed take Prozac. I'm hunky dory.

Doc: Which is why your blood pressure is sky high, your resting pulse rate is over 100, you've sat here and chewed off 3 of your fingernails while talking to me and you've scratched your face until you're bleeding? That's your hunky dory?

Me: Shut up.

Doc: You're going to try the Prozac for 30 days. You're going to come back and see me at the end of that or before the end of the year I'll see you after your heart attack and/or stroke. Did you know you've been crying for 30 minutes now?

Me: Oh and my eyes are leaky. I'm not crying. It's medical.

Doc: Here's your prescription.

So yes, I have been taking Prozac for the last month and getting used to it. Yes, I'm going back this week because emotionally I'm on a roller coaster. I take it in the mornings and my days are whacky. By the time afternoon rolls around, I feel pretty even keel. Sloggy, but even keel. By evening I'm giddy and my brain races. I go to bed and can't sleep cuz my mind won't shut up. In the morning I wake up on rock bottom and feel like I have to start all over. This isn't what is supposed to be happening me thinks. According to Non-birth Mom (she requested it be shortened from Mom of the she did not give birth to me variety. Silly woman) I should have been on this stuff over a year ago. I tend to agree with her.

I'm trying to get myself pulled together. I'm trying to take interest in those things that once made me happy. I'm trying to find upbeat positive things to post and I'm trying so hard to get back into reading the blogs and commenting. I find when I read them here lately that I don't want to comment because I've been away so long and will anyone even remember me on some of them and can I make a comment without sounding snarky or depressed? I'm trying not to cry because when I read the blogs I'm so behind on what is happening with everyone and I miss everyone and following along.

I find that when I get overly stressed or depressed that I push people away and try to fade out of everyone's life. If I don't face my friends, I don't have to face my issues, right? Several times these last 2 months I have had serious thoughts of shutting down the blog, closing my emails and just letting Stalker Angie fade away from the blog life and move on. I realize now that that's not fair. It's not fair to me or any of you guys. I'm going to do my best to post on a regular schedule even if it's just a pic of Tinker or one of the puppies. I'm going to do my best to reconnect with all of my blogs and stay updated. If I miss a post, feel free to bug the snot out of me until I post something. I'm on yahoo, AIM and MSN. Christina does an awesome job of that when she can. Hell, bug her until she bugs me. It's not like T and I don't have dumb ass conversations on a daily basis I could post. Also, I need to be having pics of FO's for Christmas to post. See? Sometimes it just takes a cattle prod to the butt.

21 comments:

Dragonsinger said...

And why do your posts always have to be the happy kind? Its your blog. It's an extention of you and if you are not feeling merry then post it. Post and say this is one of those days. And then we can let you know Hey it's ok to have one of those days ........even more than once in a row.

And then we can ((((((((HUGS)))))))) the stuffing out of ya.

Just take it one day, hour or minute at a time, whichever makes it possible for you and know there's a bunch of us out here who care.

BigAlice said...

I've missed reading you this month. I would miss you a lot if you were gone. Ha, I read through all your archives even, so I could get my Stalker Angie fix.
I'm so sorry things have been so crappy for you. This is a really stupid question, but have you tried taking the stuff at night, instead of in the morning? I had a similar reaction to a similar medication, except I had to take it first thing in the morning or I would be Up. All. Night.

And if you're getting such weird side effects from Prozac, there are other drugs that your doc can try you on. They definitely helped me a lot. It's that even keel thing you're talking about, although I did not get the sluggishness. They made my emotions not swing wildly about and once the emotions calmed down, I could cope with everyday stuff so much better.

chris said...

Oh, sweetie! I'm so glad to see you back up here, and also that you went to see your doc. I'm the same way about letting things go and not going to see the medical professionals, but you know, sometimes it's needed!

And just to "ditto" what is above, you shouldn't feel like you always have to be funny or happy -- life isn't always like that (as you know). As it is, your conversation with the dr. cracked me up.

HUGS TO YOU!

Anonymous said...

Angie, I've been reading your blog for a while. So sorry about all the upheaval in your life.

I DO like your doctor. It sounds like he didn't lose his common sense and his "people sense" when he went through med school (so many do, it seems...)

Sending good vibes, karma and hugs your way.

Phyllis M

Norma said...

Your doc sounds like a gem. You take care-a yourself, mmkay?

Plum Texan said...

I have been through the adjusting-to-meds part of this, so I sympathize. I do hope it helps you once you get used to it. On the even keel note, that's true too. I say that AD meds don't get you off the roller coaster...but the peaks and valleys will seem a little smaller, and sometimes that's enough.

Oh...been through the job loss thing too, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for both of you.

Hang in there to Stalk Another Day, SA. We don't need a Perky Stalker for every post - a Serious but Strong Stalker is just fine with us. Take care.

Cookie said...

Ya know, nagging is what I do...

*hugs*

Angie said...

Hang in there Stalker Angie, I've been reading your Blog for a while now. Please post when you can and read when you can...I'm thinking good thoughts for you and your hubby.

otter said...

Delurking to say welcome back, I missed you, if the Prozac is makikng things weird, there are plenty of alternatives, although I love my prozac, it took awhile, and some dosage adjustment, but one day I found I was actually joyful! Hang in there, ((((((hugs))))))

P-la said...

Cattle prods can be fun!

Ryan said...

Did you REALLY think I didn't notice the lack of "Stalker Angie" comments on my blog? ;-)

I hope things start to perk up soon, or percolate up soon, if you're partial to coffee.

-Ryan

kmkat said...

If your doc is a family practice doc or an internist, s/he may not be totally up to speed on the anti-depressant scene. I think Prozac is the drug of first choice, but there are others that work very very well. Everyone's chemistry is a little different, so it takes some trial and error. After Prozac kept me from sleeping -- and I even tried taking it before I went to bed, as another poster suggested (which you should try, it might work for you) -- my shrink moved me to Zoloft and eventually Celexa. The Celexa doesn't have the negative sexual side effects (sorry, possibly TMI, but you need to know as much as possible). Best of luck and hoping you feel better. We'll come here no matter what.

Christina said...

You can't just disappear from blogland. Dork. You know there are some of us who'd just drag you back here kicking and screaming anyways.

We got home this afternoon, will post in the next couple of days. Hubby's off tomorrow, but will be working Wed., so I'll definitely be bugging you then. (Wait, should I have given you early warning? Oops.)

Lauren said...

De-lurking to say-

Be well, Angie and thanks for not shutting down your blog. We would all miss it.

Lauren

Wen said...

Hell, I came over here for tips on stalking the Harlot (who will be in L.A. soon, 5 min from my house. So close in fact that I could probably throw rocks or Latern Moon straights at her hotel window)

But I read your post and I completely know where you are at lady. Call your Dr. He'll probably tell you to start taking it at night, or he'll adjust your dose, or put you on a new med. (prozac doesn't work for everyone. It didn't for me) Don't forget to tell him everything about how you've been feeling. Everything (this helps with the dose/med adjustment)

Also, if there is a counselor nearby call one. You may have to go through a few to find a good fit. Ask your Dr. for a reccommendation too. Counseling in conjunction with medication is the best way to manage/overcome stress and depression. The therapist may be able to help you with new coping techniques AND grief counseling. Plus it's really a nice thing to talk to someone whose only interest is in helping you.

Does TX have state disability? Your Dr. may be able to put you on that for a little while in order to get you to a level place. Ask him.

My heart goes out to you. I've been in that frightening, frustrating place. Email me from my website if you have any other questions.

s t a c i said...

Baby steps, Angie, baby steps.

I miss being stalked. Sort of comforting, in a strange way.

Leeny said...

Angie, do what your friends are telling you! :p I mean as far as telling the doc everything so that something can be found that works for you. I want you to be well. Even that conversation with doc shows your humor still coming through! Update even when you have nothing to say except maybe that you're just slogging through the day. It may help.

Nanc said...

{{zap}} Cattle prod.

You can't leave. We'll stalk you right back. There's no escaping. But no pressure, eh?

Wishing you the best with the meds, finding that even keel, and dealing with everything. Keep on keeping on, and catch us up when you can.

Lee Ann said...

I can totally relate to the brain doing weird shit thanks to stress. Mine's supposed to be getting better but I swear thanks to stress at home everything's getting worse. I found five cups of cold coffee around the house in various places where I clearly intended to accomplish something today and promptly forgot about it to get a coffee refill...

Hang in, babe, and yep, tell the doc EVERY DAMNED THING. Meanwhile, toss us some inane conversations between you and the hubby. We like it like that :-)

Brianne said...

I feel you on the frazzle dahling! (My last post...November 8th? I think)
I just wanted to let you in on this website I found since you're now "one of us" http://www.crazymeds.org/
It's a website run by med patients instead of pharmecudical companies and talks about actual side effects in actual life context. It will at the very least entertain you.
Personally, I started on Celexa, but gained oh, 30 lbs in about 2 months (great for my depression!)
So then I was moved to a combination of Lexapro and Wellbutrin. Which is much better, but still not quite right for my specific brand of crazy.
Things nobody told me about meds?: Expect trial and error for a few months. Pay attention to your side effects and don't try to justify them as something else (as I did). Don't skip days and take them erratically because then they don't work and you are just wasting time (ooooh yeah - that was me too).
Love comin at ya from the West Coast

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about your situation. I have been there - Zoloft worked very well for me(but it made me put on a little weight). Effexor is good (so I have heard), as is Lexipro (which made a world of difference in a friend of mine). It does take awhile to get the meds into your system, but don't be afraid to try them all until you find one that makes you feel human again.