It's All Lies

Ok, so about 2 months ago I made a conscious decision to drink more water. I have a Dr. Pepper (hereforeto or something like that know as DP) addiction and it's about time I did something about it. Now, I won't be cutting DP out of my life for good. That's just stupid. And it will never work. I LIKE DP. I enjoy drinking it. And if I try to quit drinking it entirely my mind will rebel. Simple. But if I allow myself to have one when I really, really want one, no biggie. In the last 2 months I have had all of 2 DP's. Seriously. Just the 2. So I'm doing ok, plus saving money. My problem was, I wasn't drinking a DP just when I wanted one. If I was thirsty, I just reached for one. Or kept one with me at all times. Rather scary stuff, dude.

So, enter water, stage left. Don't get me wrong, my dear stalkees, I'm not exclusive to water. I am a beverage whore and will spread my favor around. I like milk and juice in the morning, I drink about 2-3 cups of coffee a week now and the occasional tea at lunch. But I have this humongo cup at my desk and we have a free ice maker and water cooler. My humongo cup stays full and I drink about 4 of them a day just between the hours of 9am - 6 pm.. So here are some observations about all this damn water drinking.

1.) Why in the hell am I so damn thirsty all the time now? I drink more fluids than I ever did during my DP days, and yet I stay thirsty. Why??? Where is all the fluid going now? Is there some magical hydrating property in DP that I am missing out on?

2.) I am 33, purging my system of DP, drinking more than my share of water a day and my face is breaking out. Pardon me, but What. The. F*ck. I am not a 15-year-old on greasy french fries!!!!! Dammit!

3.) They say that drinking more water will help you lose weight. Lies. All of it. Lies. Drinking more water just makes you pee. A lot. A whole lot. What makes you lose weight is all the running to the bathroom. I used to go to the restroom once or twice on an average workday. Makes for a very productive individual. Now? Every hour. I look like a yo yo in my chair. Sit down, make a call, run to the bathroom. And it is a run. I'm one of those people who cannot casually go to the restroom. I think my bladder is broken in that it only registers as full at the very last possible moment. Then the race is on and by race I mean that fast little walk where your legs only move from the knees down in this rapid cartoonish fashion because to move any more leg would require a cleanup crew and a trip home to change.

4.) There are very few things I like in my water. Tea, coffee or kool aid just about covers it all. I don't want any kind of fruit in my water. Blech. I don't like it. Do I like lemonade? Oh you betcha. But not if I see, or have to participate in, the mutilation of lemons to get it. It pretty much has to be made before I ever see it. Besides, I can't make fresh lemonade because I am topically allergic to lemons. I can drink lemonade, eat lemon cakes, pies, cookies.....all day. If lemon juice gets on my skin I get tiny blisters that hurt. What is that all about?

So I am wondering if this water gig is all it's cracked up to be. What's your take on it?

In other news, our Norma Dear had a post about idiosyncrasies some time back. Which, of course, got me to thinking about if I had any. I have decided I am a complete weirdo.

I once, while in nursing school, got to help with an autopsy. I literally got to pull a man's brains out of his head. It was one of the most exciting moments of my life. I have seen a man on one table and his guts on another. I know what cancer smells like. Theses things I can handle. You show me an infected hangnail? I get woozy and nauseous. I also get the major heebie-jeebies and have to look away.

I cannot mix my food. And by that, I don't mean that my food cannot touch. I can handle that. But I have to eat my food, one item at a time. Let's say, for example, that I am having grilled chicken, rice, carrots, broccoli and a dinner roll. I will eat them in order. And just by imagining the plate I can tell you which order I will go in. Carrots first (all of them) then broccoli, rice, chicken then the roll. I cannot take a bite of carrots and then one of chicken, then maybe broccoli.....I just can't. I have to eat all of one item, then the next item. I even will turn my plate so that whatever item I am eating is right in front of me. This drives my mother insane.

I am a tactile person. I have to touch things to see how they feel. Certain things I can't stand because of how they feel. Flannel. Flannel is the best torture method known to man. You can hit me all day and you'll get nothing. Put me in a flannel nightgown between flannel sheets and I will be reduced to tears in an instant. I just....bleark. No flannel. I am the same way about food. I love love love the taste of coconut. I love the smell of coconut. I cannot eat coconut because the texture of it in my mouth drives me batty. Same thing with celery. I like celery. But I hate the way it feels in my mouth. Same way with Lima beans or Navy beans. Any of the real "meaty" beans. Ugh. And now that I have scared everyone away.....

Have a great day!!!