So yesterday was my Mom's birthday (Happy B-Day, Boo!) and I didn't forget, but it was late when I was getting around to calling her. There was work, we needed a new vaccuum, Tinker needed toys, and I needed fruit for some potpourri. (I'll give you the recipe for the best damn homemade potpourri that will have you drooling, if you want it.) Getting home, there was hanging of the toy for Tinker to play with, assembling the new vaccuum (alone since hubby was outside) and dinner. So as I was winding up to call Mom, my cell phone rings. It's my brother.
Me: Hello?
Bro: You need to call Momma.
Me: Umm, yeah I know, it's her birthday. Hi to you too.
Bro: Then why haven't you called her yet? I was the first one to call her and I'm always the last cuz I'm an asshole.
Me: Ok, no argument there. And dude, it's called "life." You should get one.
Bro: Well I already called Larry (our oldest brother) and left him a nasty message.
Me: You so need to stop sucking up. You're already Mom's favorite and your head is so far up her butt that if she turns too fast it'll break your neck.
Bro: *Laughing his ass off* Oh like you're not Daddy's favorite.
Me: Well duh, I'm the girl, but I don't kiss his butt like you do Mom. I bet you told her you were gonna call us, didn't you.
Bro: Hell yeah
Me: Suck up.
Bro: Whatever, just call her and at least ACT like you love her.
Me: Oh what the f*ck ever, dude! Who took her on a freakin cruise?? I did. She knows I love her, and besides, none of you called me on my birthday.
Bro: I did too.
Me: Nope. Not you, Larry, Mom and Dad, the in-laws...nobody.
Bro: Well, nobody calls me on my birthday.
Me: That's cuz nobody likes you.
Bro: Why?
Me: Cuz you're an asshole.
Bro: Oh yeah. Call Momma.
Me: I will when you get the hell off my phone.
Bro: Oh yeah. Ok, see ya sis.
Me: blah blah blah.
Bro: *laughter* Bitch.
Me: *laughter* Asshole.
Don't you just love family?
Living vicariously through others with grace and elegance. Okay, no, I'm actually trying to find my own life by stalking the shit out of it!
9 comments:
and I thought my family knew how to put the fun in dysfunctional....
*L* Ya'll are so cute.
What kind of vacuum? What kind fruit? Can you believe I'm craving spinach because we can't get it right now?
Wait... not my blog...
/wanders out
Are we related? I swear I've had that same conversation.... yes, please give me your recipe!
Ahhhh family...without them, we'd all be sane. I'd love any recipe that makes me drool.
Just post the recipe! And let the drooling commence...
Sounds like a conversation with my sister. Only I hang up much quicker than that.
You're cracking me up! I've had similar conversations with my brothers. It was funny - at my parent's anniversary party two weeks ago my uncle was confused as to why I was hesitant to have my brother do me a favor. I had to explain to him that brothers don't do favors - it's more than likely some prank that'll bite me in the ass. He was astounded about this. (He and my dad are 10 years apart - so basically only children.)
Dear Stalker
I have come to know you in a different way than just your stalking. We have even stalked together more than a couple of times. I call you teacher, fellow stalker and best of all friend. Figure out who knows your brother and why this post made her laugh and you win the prize. And to all you other Stalkers She really does talk like that.
lol! I loved that conversation with your brother! Me, me! I want the recipe, too! Please?
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