Friday, September 08, 2006

For The Record

For this post, my dear Stalkees, there will be loads of sarcasm. I know shocking. For your enjoyment of this post, I recommend that anything that resides within quotation marks, such as "Hi, I'm Stalker Angie," should be read in the whiniest, nastiest, mocking, nasally voice known to man. Or woman. Think 5 year old children mocking each other with "I know you are, but what am I?" and you should be fine.

Hi! Me again. I think we need to set some things straight. I'm Stalker Angie. I stalk knitters. I crochet. I am a Crocheter. It's what I do. It's what I love to do. I do own knitting needles and they are quit pretty on their little knitting needle shelf where they will remain sitting pretty.

Don't get me wrong, I have knit in the past. A couple of scarves here, a hat or 2 there maybe even a cable once or twice. This does not even qualify me to be a knitter. I am so far from being a Knitter, it's unreal. Yes there is a difference between knitter and Knitter. You know there is. Here's my problem. In all my stalking and blog reading and such, I have become enamored with knitters and your gossamer lace shawls, your cabled sweaters, your fair isle cardigans, your quaint little socks and your felted purses. A lot of what you create has no equal in crochet. Well, not yet anyway. We're working on that and busting out of the granny square, but that's another tale for another time.

There are so many of you I consider friends and I know you mean well, but this has to stop, people. There are things in life I just don't do. I don't eat right. I don't exercise. I don't keep schedules worth a shit. I don't like cats. I don't knit socks. Stop suggesting the socks. Yes, I love sock yarn. I have lots of it. Why would I knit them? I have weird feet. I live in Texas where it is just hot as hell and we don't need socks. I don't like having my feet enclosed anyway, which is why I live in flip flops.

Every single time I wonder what project to move on to, what do I hear? "Oh, Stalker dear, you should knit some socks."

No.

"Have you tried knitting socks?"

No.

"Oh I bet you'd love knitting soooocks."

No.

"I'm not sure but look at these lovely socks I just finished."

Nice. No.

"Oooh, you could join our sock-a-long."

Hell no.

Stop it! I don't knit socks. I don't even like socks. Socks are the tool of the devil. It's like putting your feet in hell. I don't even own that many socks. Three pair of socks will see me through the winter and I only have to wash once a week. So for the very last damn time, I don't knit..


Well shit. Dammit, I blame all of you. I'm not going to start linking because it would take me forever. Oh there are some of you I blame more than the others, but I blame all of you. All of you with your parading of your socks and your self striping sock yarn. Your pretty little sock patterns that are oh so easy. You and your "Ooh look at me I knit socks." and "Aren't my socks so pretty?" and your "I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to knit socks."
Well, this doesn't make me a knitter! It's one sock! So I enjoyed knitting it. So I figured out DPNs. So I wanna make more socks. I am a crocheter! Wanna know why? Cuz 90% of you knitting suckers have cats. I hate cats! Noooo cats. I have 4 dogs. I am a crocheter. You can keep your lace and your cats all to yourselves. It's one damn sock. At least there's no..


DAMMIT! Meet Tinker. He showed up at Mom's house while I was binding off that damn sock. He lives with me and the dogs adore him. T adores him. He sleeps next to me. I blame you guys for this too. I give up. Someone hand me a crochet hook please.

48 comments:

KnitTech said...

Oh yes, another convert. Don't worry, soon you'll be knitting in your sleep.

Tinker is cute.

Molly Morrison said...

Hee. Well, it's just one sock. And one cat. You don't have to call yourself a Knitter if you don't want. You can be someone who crochets and has pretty knitting needles. And a VERY cute kitty!

S t a c i said...

Who ARE you?

Has anyone seen Angie?

Kat said...

Us knitters are taking over the world. Slowly but surely. We'll do it with our pointy sticks. BTW, I'm a knitter and I also just finished my first sock and I'm working on mitered lace. Woohoo!

Nikki said...

Cats like to rub against the knitting needles, so they can have a purpose for when you are not knitting. I hear you about knitting, I don't crochet. Mabye an edge here and there, but that's it. The puppy likes the crochet hook as a back scratcher. See? Every fiber tool is useful, :)
Congrats on the sock and the kitty!

Ryan said...

What a HOOT, Stalker! I laughed out loud. I even stomped my foot on the ground, slapped my thigh, and rocked back and forth a little with the laughing. No lie.

Welcome to our world.

Jacquie said...

I think you are so fabulous and funny, and I love that you got suckered into the knitting, cat owning vortex (I am starting the knitting, but avoiding the cat thing for As long as I can)... well done on the socks btw!

chris said...

Ohhhhh . . . OHHHH! You made me spit coffee on my monitor. Again. That last picture just put me over the edge, and I couldn't stop it from happening. I even checked the calendar to make sure it's not April Fool's day or something.

That is one cute sock, and also one incredibly cute cat.

erin/pinkerbell said...

LOL we've finally snagged you! the kitty's cute. I'm allergic so ours lives in the shed (she came with the house) But I'm going to have to suck it up when we move and get cats. Can't live in an old Victorian house in the woods without cats.

Imbrium said...

Woohoo! The assimilation is nearly complete!

Have you seen the Fair Isle sweater I'm knitting? You know, you might enjoy this.... ;)

Erika said...

That's a mighty fine sock!

susan said...

Nice sock and cat. I think we're rubbing off on you. (Okay! Not in a dirty way but in a friendly "don't ya wanna knit that?" way. Pervs.)

pacalaga said...

That sock is nice. Just cuz you don't wear them out doesn't mean you can't appreciate some lovely, snuggly handknit socks during the winter, in the house, while you're knitting, I mean crocheting stuff.
And *I* am a knitter, and *I* have three dogs and no cats. (There's even a Purling Puppies webring for our sad little minority.)
LOVE that cat. He is some seriously cute stuff. Self-striping, even.

pacalaga said...

PS - I hope he doesn't live up to his name. It would kill your fledgling sock-knitting career if your cat tinked your knitting.

P-la said...

Bwah-ah-ah-ha!!! Welcome.

Leeny said...

Love the orange kitty! I have a brown and black tabby. Love your sock, too!

Dragonsinger said...

ROFLMBO

Allena said...

LOL hilarious!
socks are sooo addicting!
my kitty looks like your kitty!

Nanc said...

HA Ha HA! All is coming together as planned. [rubbing hands together in maniacal glee] Special Agent kitty - aka Tinker - has made contact. Single sock knit. But the big question is...

Will Stalker Angie succomb to the dreaded... [play 'doom DOOM doom' noise] Second Sock Syndrome?!

Hee! It's great to have you and your blogs back in the webisphere. Hopefully work and 'stuff' has mellowed down enough.

Cookie said...

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

Now you're DOOMED!

It'll be a sweater next, ya know...

Karen said...

welcome to our world :-)

I eat, sleep , breathe knitting and if I didn't have to work, I'd be doing more of it (and yes, I have a life!!!)

Knitting rocks

Christina said...

So. You finally did it. *cackle* How far are you on the second one?

Anonyknits said...

Sa-weet!

Rabbitch said...

Heh. The cats don't arrive until there are socks. I thought everyone knew that.

I want my cats back so I intend to knit about 40 pairs of socks this year.

janna said...

Beautiful sock! Adorable kitty! Welcome to our world....

Teri said...

Just three words:

Heh heh heh

einsteinella said...

You're one of us now! Resistance is futile...bwaaahhhhhh!!!

kmkat said...

First the sock, then the kitty... what's next? Lace? Fair isle/feral? Don't be ashamed. After a long period of resistance I recently succumbed to the lace knitting, sort of. No ill effects to speak of. Well, except for that twitch and the throbbing vein...

On the plus side, just think of how much more beautiful you will now be, what with the knitting and the kitty and all.

Sunflowerfairy said...

Heeehee, welcome to the dark side.

Grab a beer, it's going to be a fun ride.

Dene said...

Ohhhh... I was over at Twisted Yarns in Spring today and they had so many CUTE knitted things you would just love! ::: running :::

Dene
(proud knitter of socks and owner of 5 cats ... oh and one dog)

Dani said...

Angie, there are many things worse than a fuzzy orange guy in your life - Orange tabbies are notoriously the sweetest cats (and usually - although not always - they are makes)

All I can say is EMBRACE YOUR INNER SOCK KNITTER *S* (and welcome to the addiction - there's no turning back now!)

Rete said...

The force is strong with this one... she will be a very powerful asset to the dark side. Mwahhahaha

Warrior Knitter said...

So, um . . . .

er. . . .

have you cast on

for the uh . . . . . .

2nd

one . . . .

yet??!! (running then ducking & covering & maybe some cowering, too)

Cookie said...

Did I ever tell you that I used fingering weight yarn for my Cozy? Most people use that weight for socks...

Just sayin'...

/runs like hell

Heatherly said...

lol, i was a crocheter who learned to knit just so i could makes socks. cuz crocheted socks suck.
that was 2 yrs ago. now i teach knitting at my LYS

Brenda said...

Nice sock! Next thing you know, you'll be knitting Jaywalkers!
I'm a knitter and a dog lover - no cats for me. So I was a little frightened by the kitty tale. Does that mean we'll be adopting a cat next? I'll have to warn my husband.

Jo said...

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....it's probably a duck!

Brava, brave Stalker Angie! To admit your closet knittiness!

Gorgeous sock by the way!
Adorable cat, too!

Just make sure that Rete doesn't seduce you to the dark side for our Sock Wars!

Norma said...

What the fuck is going on around here?!!!!!!!

Patti Who Used To Be Pasticcio said...

SO funny! I read it to my 12-year-old son, who is kind of a junior stalker - he likes to read Yarn Harlot. You cracked him up!

Lee Ann said...

So, I take it you're totally NOT interesting in spinning at all, right?

*cough*

catsmum said...

ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh deary me ... the world is about to end... a sock AND a really really cute furry person.... things will never be the same :]
Abandon all hope ye who enter into the domain of kittyknittedness.
cheers
from an aussie catowning knitter

Maia said...

Thank you for the laugh. I needed it.

Now that you are officially a knitting cat owner, you really must join http://knittingkitty.blogspot.com/.

EarthAmi said...

I waited a day to reply since it made me laugh so hard the first time I read it, I'm still laughing and have nothing to say but welcome, and stop fighting, it really isn't THAT bad knitting and having cats, I only have 4 you will be fine.

Carol said...

You realize, there's no tuning back don't you? I'll lend you a hook ;)

Brianne said...

Oh you poor dear! I was once blindsided by a wandering kitten.
I am very dogs dogs dogs... but I get it; if your man AND your dogs are happy then so are you.
Oh, and p.s.
welcome to S.S.S.
(single sock syndrome)

Christine said...

Have you tried wearing it yet? Because I live in Houston, and handknit socks are a completely different feeling than the things I buy at the store that they claim are socks. I promise.

By the way, I have a whole book on how to crochet socks. You know, in case you were wondering...

megamomls said...

oh Tinker...our little gutter cat...such a cutie!! Come back Angie...mom will give you a crochet hook anytime.

P.S. A sock would make a lovely gift for the holidays. hint hint rofl

GaiaGal said...

ROFLMFFAOooooooooooooooo!!!!

You really should try that little socklette in the "Forest" version of Parade...i'm wearing mine right this very moment.

Heehee, welcome to the dark side!!

I'd heard rumors about you on The Harlot's blog, nice to know you really exist. ;)

~Suz~