A REAL post. With Pictures!!

So I finally have a moment in between my busy schedule of school and...well, school, to post the pictures of the room makeover. I cannot tell you the difference it's made in my general well being. It's soothing to be in here now and I no longer feel as trapped. No, the trapped feeling won't go away until I have graduated, have a job and have become a useful member of society again, but it's been lessened and that's huge.

School is awesome. Not because I adore my instructors cuz that is sooooo not the case. School is awesome because I've already met some amazing people and I've actually enjoyed getting to be around people again. I finally feel like a lot of the anxiety and panic has gone. I'm not 100% but then I may never say I am again because we all know that when I do I end up right back in the crazy so yeah, not 100% but having a DAMN good time talking to people again.

What? Oh! Pictures! Right. Sorry. You know me, I ramble. Shut up. Here ya go!! Pictures of the room makeover with commentary! Comment away.  :)

I still have shelves to put up so I can get my dragons back in the room (and out of Mom's dining room, don't judge me) but otherwise, it's such a vast improvement that I'm very happy with it. A huge thanks to my folks for putting up with it and helping and to my nephew, Dylan, for being a champ during the whole process.

P.S You there. Lurker McLurkerson. There's a comment button below. Click it. Say Hi. Stop being creepy. That's my job, dammit.

Quicker note:

Holy hell,  I am exhausted.  I have one class that is apparently self taught and another that thinks homework is a present. plus not sleeping well doesn't help. I know, I owe you pictures and stories. They're coming, I swears it!!! Right after I read this next chapter, make a study guide and figu...zzzzzzzzzz

Quick note:

There's been a room makeover and there are pictures! Also, today was the first day of class so yippee! Also, I am on my way out the door to meet up with my nieces for what is sure to be hell at first but then fun. Midnight Harry Potter premier. I swear I will post something interesting and picture related this weekend. I swear it on my stash. Oh yeah, shit's gettin' real in here.

Wait...What?

So, I'm 39. WTF? Anyway, I've been 39 for a couple of months now so I should be over it but recently it's kind of been slapping me in the face like a loose boob during a random jog. Wait...know what? Nevermind. We'll just roll with it.We all know I'm bat shit crazy by now.

So, I know I've said it before, that I promise to blog more and blah blah bullshit blah so I'm not gonna make any promises here. Can't make me. But I have found recently that I wanna write and the whole reason behind me ignoring the blog is feeling that my life is boring as shit, which it is, and feeling like I had nothing to talk about, which I don't. So...umm...I'll be blogging...things. Random shit. I know the title of the blog is I Stalk Knitters, and maybe I should change that since I'm not stalking a damn thing. I am currently knitting and crocheting multiple projects but only because I've had some time freed up recently since I no longer spend all day, everyday talking to Cory. We broke up. It's a long story and one I may get to at some point. Or not. Whatever.  Just please don't do the whole, "OMG I'm so sorry are you okay men are assholes you're better than that anyway and he never did deserve you!" thing because that's all I've heard the last couple of weeks. I'm fine. Really. He and I both saw it coming, we haven't seen each other face-to-face in 2 years and it seemed ridiculous to continue calling him my boyfriend. Granted, he took the chicken shit way out of it but again, long story.

So...I'm going back to school. Again. I still haven't been able to find a job as a medical assistant because our economy blows so more schooling works for me. Mom and Dad are being kinda awesome about their sick lump of a daughter nesting in their house for the duration of school. I'm finally going to pursue my dream of becoming a nurse. Dammit. I mean it. This WILL HAPPEN. I start classes on July 14th. Do too! I'm uber excited which seems like a good thing until you realize I'm excited about doing math! You can't even use the "well maybe she just likes college algebra" excuse for me since I'm 2...TWO classes from even being in college algebra. I am math stupid apparently. I got through MA school with a 4.0. But my math skills are lacking. English? I tested out of every English unless I plan to major in that shit. Nice to know I can handle my own language.  Wish I could handle 2+2.

So essentially, this blog will start to be me rambling about...things. I will eventually post what projects I'm working on, but I'll most likely keep note of how school is progressing, my frustrations with financial aid, how neurotic I become about my grades and stuff like that.

Oh! I also decided to make a fresh start in my room. I know it may not sound like much (omg she's gonna clean something??) but I quit smoking back in October. No cigarettes for me for 8 months, people!! So, my nephew who adores me, as he should, is going to come over and I plan on taking every single thing out of this room, cleaning it one thing at a time to remove 2 years of dust and nicotine. Then rip up the carpet, paint the concrete floors an aubergine purple, paint all the trim a nice clean white and paint the walls a really pretty pale sea green. Possibly replace the ceiling fan. Depends on how much of the nicotine and tar I can get off the damn thing. Did i mention I was sitting in this room smoking 2 packs a day before I ended up with Congestive Heart Failure? Yeah....it's bad. I'll break out the camera and take pics of the progress. It'll be fun for everyone! Well, except my nephew who will do most of the work but he's 18 and i'm paying him with a trip to our favorite Chinese restaurant, dammit.

Speaking of food, I've been playing around a lot with cooking and finding a LOT of joy in it with the whole we-have-to-eat-healthy-even-if-it-kills-us thing because we have 2 heart patients living in the house. I'm a heart patient, y'all. Shit is stupid scary. Granted, I haven't really kicked in the whole Angie-needs-to-get-up-off-her-fat-ass-and-move thing yet. I have lost weight. A total of 35 lbs since last October and that's just from the water weight and healthy eating bit, so moving? Actually moving for at least 30 mins a day? Angie could be getting her sexy on. Not that I really give a crap about being a size 2 or hell even a size 8. But y'all, for Christmas my mom got me a really pretty skirt and shirt set. Size 18. It's tight but I got that shit zipped and buttoned. I haven't been able to do that since I was like 17. Oh yeah, we like it. I'll be happy with an 18 looking good on me! I will rock those 18s. Hells yeah. Which bring us to why I mentioned the cooking; I may post recipes as I make things up in my kitchen for us. If I find something healthy and delicious, I'll pass it along. Pinky swears.

Anywho, I think I've rambled enough for now. You're pretty well caught up on what's going on. You haven't missed much but coming soon? Changes. Me, out and about again. Doing things. With people! Making new friends. Reconnecting with old friends which I have also been trying to do more of. And I'm starting to ramble again. See? I NEED to write, I'm just too damn stupid to realize. Okay. Laters! Bye! Smooches and shit!  ♥

Oh, one last thing. Is it bad form to demand my hat and scarf back? I loved that damn scarf.  *pout*

Still Here.

There's a post. I need to read through it, but there is a post, I've just been busy. That almost said, "I've just been busty."   That would have been awesome.  Anyway, I will try and read through it tonight and get it posted. I haven't forgotten you guys, I swears. 


For those of you bugging me in MSN, Facebook and e-mails, thank you.  It helps to know you care.  Sincerely.

Oh, and if anyone wants to add me to FB, please feel free. I am easier to keep track of that way.  :)

Angela Ingham Hughes.   (zomg she put her full name on teh interwebz!!!!)  haha

Denial

I got denied my disability. I need to talk to Cory but I won't call him at work and lay this kind of shit on him. My head is just so ugly right now. I've actually tried to think of ways to get out of seeing friends coming into town next week.  It's hit me that it may be another 2 years before I see Cory again. I'm not sure I can do another 2 yrs without touching him but I obviously can't afford to go up there and he hasn't even started the process for a passport and even if he had I couldn't do anything to help him come down for a visit. I've even thought that he deserves so much better than someone who has become nothing but a financial drain on those she loves and he should, by all rights, dump my sorry, useless ass and find someone else.

I sincerely wish I could just fade away right now. I can't think of one single person that wouldn't be better off. Every part of me is screaming to start pushing people away. Delete the blog. Close my Facebook account. Stop logging into WoW. Stop logging into MSN. Turn off the cell phone. Crawl into bed and just never leave again.

I hate that I've been crying for well over an hour now and nobody has noticed. I hate that I've been sobbing so hard that my entire body shakes, but I've become so practiced at doing this silently that anyone listening would just think my allergies were acting up. I want to scream. I want to be held and told everything is going to work out. Told that things will be fine even though the ugly voices in my head are whispering that things will never be as I want them.

I'm trying. I really am fighting here but I'm so tired. The disability was going to pay for the doctor's visits, my meds...that kind of thing. Now it's all on my parents still. The letter said that according to their findings I could still work as a sales clerk. These people have obviously never worked retail. Fuck them. I'm not even a person to them, I'm a file. They don't know me, what I'm going through or what I've gone through. I hate bureaucracy so fucking much.

Good News! Finally!

So I finally got approved for my Gold Card.  This is exciting because it's a HUGE help to me for several reasons. What the Gold Card does is allow people who live in Harris County, where Houston is, get affordable health care. It's almost like having an insurance plan in that those who qualify only have to pay a nominal co-pay for clinic and hospital visits. They cover primary care physicians, specialists, hospital stays, dental visits and I'm researching to see what else they may cover, such as vision since I'm blind as hell. 

This means I can get a doctor that I see on a regular basis that will monitor my conditions. This means a cardiologist if deemed necessary to monitor my congestive heart failure. This means...

THIS MEANS A CT SCAN FOR MY LUNGS!!!!!!  Woohoo!!!!! Cheer with me, folks!! 

It's not my disability yet, but it's a start. It means health care for me that won't break my parents in the meantime. It means diabetic testing supplies we can afford.  It means visits with a certified nutritionist for education. This means...a lot, guys. I cried with relief when I got the letter.

So things are looking up! Yay!!!! Now if my disability would just come through. Keep up any prayers or well wishes. They are so working!!

♥

Lovey Dovey Crap. No, Really.

So the title should really be a warning if you pay attention at all. Sorry it's been a bit since I posted but I've just had a lot going on with nothing worth posting. Still no word on my disability or Gold Card so still no CT scan on my lungs or anything. I promise to update if anything on that front changes. The depression crap is still waxing and waning as it wants to but hasn't been as bad the last couple of weeks.  Hell, I shaved my legs yesterday! Woohoo!!!  I just hate that it wore me out to do so and I think that's the worst part of all of this. The physical exhaustion is just....hell.

I plan dinner so I can cook it in stages. I can empty the dishwasher, but I need a break before I can then place the dirty dishes inside. Then I need a break before I go back and wipe down counters and the stove. Forget sweeping the floor because my back just won't handle it. It's not even my lower back! It makes no damn sense, but my upper back pretty well always feels like it's on fire and doing anything for more than 10 minutes makes it try to knot up and the skin in that area goes numb. What...the...fuck!? It only started doing that after the CHF hospital stay, too. So shit that I could do just fine before that, I can't now. I've talk to the nurse practitioner at the free clinic but she has no clue what could be causing it. Blarg, dammit. Just blarg.

So, first two paragraphs not so lovey dovey. Maybe I should change the title. Nah, fuck it, we'll do the lovey dovey crap now. Turn away if you have a weak stomach. Seriously.

So during the 10 years of my marriage, T and I spent a lot of time saying the words, "I love you."  Not once did we ever say WHY we loved each other.  I find that a lot of couples are like that but wouldn't it be wonderful if someone actually told you why they loved you? What is it about you that they find so endearing? Talk about a confidence booster to actually hear why they adore YOU and not the drop-dead gorgeous brunette sex-pot that sat next to you on the train that day!  Imagine having someone take what you see as faults about yourself and put them in a new light. Yeah, that's good stuff.

No, this isn't going to be a brag-fest cuz Cory did this for me. This is a brag-fest because I sat down and wrote out a few of the things I love about him. I say a few because it would take years to figure out all the reasons I love him. And I hate romance. It bugs the shit out of me but he makes me go all doe-eyed at him. So the remainder of this post is to him. You can read it or skip it. You can also go write to the person you love and make their day.

I decided to write this because while I boost your ego a lot, what I want boosted is your self esteem. Not just because it would make you a healthier, happier person, but because you're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Am I biased? Possibly. But there had to be something about you to get me to the point of BEING biased, right? Right??

You tell me that people don't like you except to appease me in some way or because of me in some way. You have friends and acquaintances in life that have absolutely nothing to do with me. If you don't have more friends it's because you're simply a very private person. Even with me there are aspects of your life and your past that you keep to yourself. Not a complaint, simply an observation. I figure you’ll share those things when or if you’re ready to.

You tell me you’re weird. Yes. Yes you are. I love every minute of your oddities. It means you’ll always be interesting. It means you’ll always keep me guessing. It means you’ll always be able to make me burst into surprise laughter. I don’t see this as a flaw. If anything it makes me love you more. Every time you’ve ever done something that others would see as “odd” or “weird” it just makes me smile because it means you’re just being you, something I encourage at every turn. It’s rough because you can’t see me all the time when we’re together but if you could just see how often I smile because of you and your “antics” I think it would make your head spin.

I have heard people say jokingly, and you’ve told me you’ve heard it in all seriousness, that you’re perverted. Thank you, God. A man that is open, honest and exploratory in his sexuality. A man that’s willing to try different things and keep life interesting. Your “perversity” has allowed me to open up and be honest for the first time in my life about my own sexuality and not be afraid to ask for the things I want because someone will think I’m weird. You’re the first man who has ever made me feel like a real woman. The first man to ever make me truly feel wanted. You’re the first man to ever make me feel as if I deserve more. If that’s perverted, then I am so grateful to be in love with a pervert.

You once told me that your brothers got all the brains and the looks in the family. I call major bullshit on this one. I’m considered pretty intelligent, but at times you blow me away with the way your mind works. You ARE intelligent. You’re creative and inquisitive and just because you don’t always conform to the directions your family or society thinks you should be taking doesn’t make you stupid. It makes you independent. You speak slowly and concisely. Others may see this as a flaw, but it’s one of the reasons I find your voice so soothing. It’s the first thing I noticed about you. I love hearing you talk. You know this. As far as your brothers getting all the looks, go buy a mirror. You’re not exactly a train wreck. I used to think you were cute. I did. Thought so the first time I saw a picture of you from the Toronto trip. You’ve been upgraded from cute a couple of times since then. Biased? You bet your ass. There’s a reason I stare at you on web cam. When you smile, really sincerely smile, it’s breathtakingly beautiful.

I love every quirk you have. Yes, some days you irritate the shit out of me but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Yes, some days I roll my eyes at your antics, but I still smile because I love you. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t say to myself “Jesus, I love this man.” and marvel at just how much I do. People are tired of hearing me say it. I just don’t care. I’d shout it to the rooftops if I could. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

I love your personality.

I love your mind.

I love your body.

I love your voice.

I love you.

Oh Yeah. Here's a Title and Stuff.

For those of you wondering about the results of a CT scan, there hasn't been one yet. I'm not sure when there's going to be one. See all previous posts about not working or having insurance for the last 4 freaking years. *sigh*  I have my moments where this absolutely terrifies me with everything going on with my health but I can't let it run my life, so I'm not gonna let it. I am, however, gonna bitch about it. I simply don't understand the amount of time it takes or why there's been no human interaction here. These people don't know me from Eve and yet they are making important decisions about the future of my health care. I've been at this since October! I've been divorced for 2 years, I haven't worked in 4 years, I have diabetes, hypertension, congestive heart failure, severe back pains, vertigo and now a nodule on my lung. I'm not lazy, I'm sure as hell not stupid, I. Just. Need. Help.

I don't even need permanent help. I'm not looking to be on disability for the rest of my life. That thought is just waaaaay too depressing to contemplate.  I have things I want to do but I just can't do them right now. In the meantime, I'm draining my parents dry with the buying of my meds, specialty diet and, hell, just day to day things like soap and laundry detergent.  Disability would help there. I could buy my own meds, my own food, give them gas money for running me to doctor's appointments...the list goes on. I miss my independence but I'm hanging on. Some days are good days.

Tuesday...Tuesday was a good day. Cory and I had turned on the web cams to chat so que the conversation format! Don't worry, I'll start after the gross, lovey-dovey giggling bits (usually by me):

Cory: Blogged recently?

Me: Yesterday recent enough?

Cory: I s'pose so.

Me: Say, I need a pic of your scarf. I forgot to take a pic of it before I sent it to you and now I can't blog it cuz I don't have it.

Cory: Want me to go get it and you can just take a screen shot? You know it'll be forever before I actually get around to taking a pic otherwise.

Me: Yes!! *Does a happy puppy butt wiggle cuz now I get a pic of the scarf and my Canadian*

Then...then he comes back into view. Oh, he's wearing the scarf. It just happens to be the only things he's wearing. Thankfully (maybe, shut up, don't judge me) it's long and covers up the yummy naughty bits. I absolutely died laughing. He didn't just make my day, he made my whole damn year. Yeah, I took screen shots. You would have too, don't lie.

So, with a little liberty with MS Paint, here is Cory's scarf. With a smidge of pale Canadian background. It makes me smile like an idiot.

P.S. Stop trying to look below the picture edge. Pervert. You were too!!

And So We Continue Our Story...

Previously on I Stalk Knitters:

Graduating from school! (yay!)  Job market sucks! (boo!) Panic attacks and anxiety! (boo!) Still head over heels in love with a Canadian! (yay!)

This brings us up to speed into October of 2010. At the beginning of October, little brother Frankenstein (who is 19 now and so not little) said that what he really wanted for his birthday was for me to visit. How do you refuse that??  So I talked to my folks and borrowed my dad's car to head to Austin for a few days and visit. On the 13th of October I thought I was coming down with something because I was having a really hard time breathing. Not constantly, just sudden attacks like I had asthma, which I do not. I, being me, ignored them because that's what I do! Plus I was so not letting my little brother down and I hadn't seen everyone in over a year, dammit. So off I go to Austin to see my other, non-birth, family. It was a fun week with all the singing and messing about, but I had to sleep sitting up the entire week. Walking outside would send me into some sort of holy-shit-I-can't-breathe thing but other than the breathing? I felt fine! No fever, no sluggishness, no weakness. It was so weird.

So after the birthday festivities and such, I head home on October 20th. The next evening, I get out of my desk chair, where I had been leaned back and trying to sleep, and go into my dad's office because, once again, I can't breathe. I just went in to have someone to bitch to. He decided I needed to go the emergency room and ignored my wheezy protests. In I go and immediately back to a room I go and they hook me up to all kinds of fun machines and pump me full of all kinds of fun drugs and make me have to pee every 15 seconds and the bathroom is down the hall. These people are sadists. On one trip back from the bathroom the doctor follows me in with my diagnosis.

Dr.: You have CHF.

Me: No, I don't.

Dr.: That means you have Congestive Heart Failure.

Me: I KNOW what CHF is. I just don't have it.

Dr.: I'm afraid you do.

Me:  I'm afraid you suck donkey nuts. Huge ones.

I immediately look at my dad and say to him, "Go home. Go in my room. Find every carton of cigarettes, my cigarette case, every lighter and my ashtray and get them out of my room. I'm done. I quit. No more smoking for me." I was instantly terrified.  For those of you unfamiliar with CHF, it basically means that my blood pressure was so out of control and that my body was retaining so much fluid that my heart and lungs were surrounded and weren't functioning properly. Yeah, I was trying to die on accident. Wait, I failed suicide and now I'm gonna ACCIDENTALLY die?  Fuck that noise. No thank you. I still have shit to do. I spent 3 days in the hospital that were a blur to me. Basically I had deprived my brain of decent oxygen for long enough that I had mild dementia for a week or so. Then, because I was stupid enough to say yes to having a Foley catheter put in, I had a sever kidney infection for a week or so. Stupid hospitals. Stupid infections.

So now I am a heart patient. That hasn't worked or had insurance since T and I got laid off in March of 2007.  Well.....fuckerpants. There have been some good things come of this. No, really! I promise! I have a plan. I have things I still wanna do, dammit. I still wanna go back to school. I still wanna import my very own Canadian and make an honest man of him. I'm not done yet, dammit.  Yeah, I have my days where I am really down.  I also have my days where I am determined. Today is a determined day, obviously. In the 3 days I was in the hospital I dropped 25 lbs. All water weight and I had NO idea I was that bad.  My body looks WEIRD to me but I am working on losing more. Slowly, but working.  I am cooking and eating healthier and it pisses my dad off. He LIKES his junky food and has been sneaking fast food when he goes out. He doesn't think we know. He's not really that sneaky for a private investigator. Did I mention that after I moved in he had a series of 7 (SEVEN) heart attacks? Yeah. I've been under a smidge bit of stress here.

I've also been working on getting my SSI disabilty because I'm in no physical shape to work right now and who is going to hire a very recent CHF patient? I'm a walking liability right now. I've also been working on getting the Harris County Hospital District discount card, called a Gold Card. It's basically a form of insurance for low income/no income individuals and family.  Thank the gods my family lives in Harris County. I've also been going to a free clinic here in Katy and they have been wonderful. They can't treat my CHF, but I am at least back on all my meds and my numbers are looking good. My folks are still buying my meds though and I'm slowly draining them dry between my meds and needing a specialty diet. Cooking with diabetes AND staying heart healthy isn't cheap because this country fails.

I haven't had a cigarette since October 21st. I've only craved one MAYBE 3 times since then and all I have to do is remember the terror I felt upon my diagnosis. Most days I simply forget I ever smoked and people, I was smoking 2 freaking packs a day up to that point. So praise God for huge miracles. If you've ever smoked, you'll understand that.

I called Cory the first day I was in the hospital so he wouldn't panic:

He answers the phone and I say, "Hey, sweetie."

Cory: Where are you? Are you ok?

Me: I'm in the hospital. They admitted me last night.

Cory: So what's the diagnosis? What did they say was causing the breathing issues??

Me: It's bad sweetie.  (I start crying)

Cory: You're scaring me. Really scaring me, just tell me what the doctor said, please.

Me:  I have Congestive Heart Failure. They said I was minutes away from a heart attack or stroke.

Cory: So that means meds, rehabilitation, therapy, better eating and exercise. right?

Me: Yeah, I guess so.

Cory. Okay. That's not bad.

Me: Excuse me??

Cory: You're alive, love. So long as you stay with me we can get through anything.

So then I cried harder. I honestly expected him to bail. Think about it! Perfect opportunity to say, "Oh hell no I don't need this shit." and just walk. He's in Canada, I'm way down here. I have a crap ton of health issues and can't find a job. And he's still with me. No ignoring the fact that he truly loves me. He even apologized for not being able to be here with me. I am SO keeping him.

Now on to the latest thing. With my disability stuff, Social Security sent me for evaluations to 2 of their doctors. The first one was for depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I managed to actually have a panic attack while sitting in their waiting room. I panicked and fled to the bathroom. Fun times. The other was for the CHF, back issues and vertigo I seem to have developed since then and that included an x-ray. A week or so after that one I got a "courtesy call" from their office about my x-ray.

Nurse: I'm calling as a legal courtesy to inform you of your x-ray results. A 1.3 cm nodule was found on your lung and we recommend you find a pulmonologist, have a CT scan taken asap. They will determine if a biopsy is necessary from that CT scan and you should have a follow-up scan every 6 months for at least the next 2 years.

Translation: I'm calling because I legally HAVE to tell you that you may have lung cancer and should have that looked into. Kthx bye.

Apparently my life has not been interesting enough. I REALLY need that disability and discount card to come through now.  Dear God, I know you don't give us more than we are able to handle, but dammit, maybe you have me confused with someone else?


So, how you guys been?

Where The Hell Are We??

A friend of mine suggested I may wanna pretty things up a bit around ye olde blog and I had been thinking about it, so i did. It was easier than I had feared and I would love knowing what you think. In that I also mean you can suggest changes you may want. I only post here, YOU have to try and read it. Need a bigger font? I'm on it cuz I'm blind as a bat myself. HATE the color scheme? I'm always willing to play around and change things to make it more soothing. I draw the line at neon, though. If you want neon do it to your own blog. Ugh.

As previously mentioned, I have been going through a lot in the last umm...well, few years, actually. I have failed at stalking knitters during that time, but you know what? I'm keeping the title. Both of them, mine and the blog's. I mean, yeah I lost touch for a while but I did keep SOME contact with people through Facebook, so technically there was SOME stalking going on. Hah!

Now begins the difficult task of trying to decide where to start. How far do I go back while still moving forward and not just confuse everyone in the process? Pfft. I'll do what I always do. I'll start typing and let my mind ramble on like a crazy person and we'll just see where we end up, shall we?

Since I know some of you are wondering my yarn status, I did some crocheting last year and made some little pot holders for a future kitchen I plan to have but other than that, I just haven't felt the desire to pick up yarn. In fact, and this is going to be difficult to read for most of you, my yarn is packed up and placed in the storage shed at the moment. I'll give you a moment. If you have to switch web sites for a bit to recuperate I'll understand.

Everyone ok to move on? You sure? Ok, then you need to know that my knitting and crochet days ARE NOT OVER. In fact recently I have been feeling the bug to pick my hook back up. This is a good sign! It means I'm getting back to me. It also means Cory has been riding my ass (and not in that oh so fun way) to get back into crochet, knitting, singing and spending more time away from this damn contraption. He's such a good boy.

So previously at Casa de la Stalker I posted that I was going back to school for medical assistant. I did graduate (with a 4.0, thank you) but the job market around here SUCKED. I basically spent last summer going on interviews where my panic attacks slapped me in the face and I looked like an over-eager coke addict looking for a paycheck or a crazy woman that seriously wanted to stick people with needles please can I stick the pretty people??? Well, that's how my mind pictures me anyway. I'm pretty sure it wasn't THAT bad. Or it could have been. Piss off. I am now making a pouty face at you.

We're going to leave it here cuz I just don't feel like getting into what happened in Fall of 2010 yet. We'll just leave it with 2010 sucked major donkey balls and next time we'll get into details about the size of said donkey anatomy. I am pointing out, however, that this is officially another post. Can I has a cookie now? =D

Some changes were made per comment suggestions so I hope it's easier to read now. I cannot stand a solid white web page as it kills my eyes so I compromised. I am now in the process of fixing all the old posts that had light colored (coloured for my non Americans) text in it so it can be read.  

So I Remembered My password for Blogger...

Hi! It's me. Fail Stalker. I'm not even sure if anyone is even out there, but here's the deal; yeah, I know I did it again. I disappeared for over a year again. At least I'm consistent on that front! Yes, the depression is back in force and I'm wrestling with it daily but Cory insists that writing about it and getting it out of my system will help. And he has a point in that. What if it doesn't help me, but someone reads what I'm writing and it helps them? They realize they aren't alone in feeling this way and that there's hope? It'll be worth it to throw my crap out in the wind at that point. No, I'm not looking for sympathy or platitudes or a pity party. I do the pity thing all by myself just fine so I don't need to drag you down with me.

So I plan to write either daily or every other day. It's really not like I have jack shit else going on, ya know? I will get you guys caught up on what's been going on with me since the last post and it's likely to get personal so if you don't wanna know THAT much about someone else's life, please don't get offended and just move on. If, however, you enjoy a good train wreck and can't seem to look away, hop on board!! There will be love, pain, hope, disappointment, resolution, fear, tears and laughter. In other words, this WILL be about life. There will be times that I joke about my situation or my health so I ask that you please don't berate me "for not taking things seriously, dammit!" This is how I cope. I joke about things when they get bad. If I can make light of my situation, then I'm not so far down the black hole of hell that I can't get back out, ya know? It's my affirmation that I can spring back from the bad shit. So...yeah. I'm back. You're stuck with me again.

Muahahahahahaha....

*To be continued...*